What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Covid absolutely buggered my mental health (and physical ftr), i've never had health anxiety in my life, and I needed therapy after a complete breakdown in the december of 2020, after 6 months of trying to keep everyone safe, being the 'nominated' adult that left the house, trying to homeschool DD, trying to keep DS safe as he still had to attend school.

If me, as a relatively sane adult couldn't hack it, what on earth do you think it was doing to the kids?

There is also a factor of todays parenting style is very gentle/permissive, we're encouraged to baby them for longer.. can't leave them home alone until 12 or social services will get you.. when i was growing up it wasn't unusual to be walking to/from school alone at 7 years old, now they won't let you until you're 10! Some of my friends were latch key kids letting themselves into empty houses at 10/11 years old.

We're told its dangerous to let them go anywhere alone, so we keep them home safe. We were allowed to play out, our kids aren't.

Society today isn't geared towards giving our children autonomy and critical thinking skills in the right way.

Because they could still interact face-to-face, that is the HUGE difference.

I agree. Consumerism is a sickness.

I second this and would encourage people to listen to the interview with him. The video is on YouTube or as a podcast on Spotify. (link below) He talks about some of the challenges being seen as a result of widespread smart phone use by pre-teens and teenagers. It links to all the challenges identified by the OP. Social Media is described as one of the biggest threats to civilisation we face. The unintended consequences of "progress" are pretty depressing.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4jIPna6nBxlteDfsM53YxB?si=1c4e2fc059884e8d
Spotify
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4jIPna6nBxlteDfsM53YxB?si=1c4e2fc059884e8d

It is happening though. We now record all teaching sessions as people want that remote online/ accessible any time element- a consequence of which is lecture attendance has plummeted and sense of community is at an all time low. It’s extensions galore- nobody has to submit anything by a deadline anymore. Want another exam attempt- just submit a request. The problem is that this doesn’t help the students progress academically or help them learn any responsibilities/ evolve into the young adults university has traditionally helped them to. As a consequence we are sending young people out into the workforce woefully unprepared for the reality of being a working adult.

The OP asked for comments about children roughly 16-20 - I didn’t have a 5 year old in the pandemic ! I assume your DC are watching the news now in preparation for the transition to secondary school !

I honestly believe that senior school has an awful lot to answer for regarding the mental health of young adults.
I know my DD is still recieving counselling 7 years later after an awful time at senior school. And I know of people up and down the country dealing with similar. Bullying both in person and online is rife Teachers have very little they can do to kerb this, knife crime and drugs are a huge problem certainly in the bigger cities and it's becoming a problem in smaller areas now. I know many areas police patrol round the shops local to the schools because of problems some of the children have been causing threatening and harrassing people.

In our society there are two places you are literally forced by law to spend time in a place where people are openly hostile and violent prison and school. In the next couple of years my youngest will be have to go to senior school and none of the parents I have spoken to about this are happy to send them.

So after having to do that four 5 years it's no wonder really that a lot of people are coming out of that enviroment traumatised and have trouble being around a lot of people.

The literal first comment matches my experience.
There's a marked difference in my older child, who got her young teen age socialising in before lockdown, and is more confident and able to judge situations and push herself on through discomfort more.

Also, we have had horrendous issues with bullying, which I am absolutely certain is due to parents not giving a shit any more since the lockdowns. Their kids don't respect teachers, or the police or any intervention at all. They do as they please. So that has curtailed howuch mine want to go out... They are sick of getting shit from horrible kids who roam the streets completely unparented and feral. Home feels doubly safe nowadays. It's fucking enraging.

I totally agree with you.

I think the Internet is both a blessing and a curse. Social media in particular is both extremely addictive but has the potential to be damaging. Lockdown played a part too, but I think there is over reliance on COVID as a catch-all excuse by parents as it is easier to blame something that they had no control over than to look at their own parenting.

I think my parents' generation had that "stiff upper lip" mentality having been brought up by parents that lived through the war. And I don't think that was necessarily a good thing so when my generation became parents it swung in the opposite direction and suddenly "gentle parenting" was mainstream. But from my experience, being too gentle can lead to raising children that are mollycoddled, don't build resilience and aren't able to distinguish where the boundaries are. I personally believe somewhere in the middle of the two approaches is best.

The pathologising of normal human emotions is extremely concerning. Just on example....my nephew was having some trouble going to sleep. As we all do sometimes, trouble drifting off isn't uncommon and being continually attached to a screen before bed isn't going to help. But my sister was worrying about it because he was going to school tired. So instead of going through the usual sleep hygiene items.... limiting screens before bed, regular bedtime, dark room etc she was continually up and down the stairs asking him what he was worried about, had something happened at school, was he anxious etc etc. She was so worried she was telling others all about this and I 100% think she made the issue worse. Now he apparently has "sleep anxiety" and the issue has been blown out of all proportion.

👋
You're not wrong.

Was thinking about my Great Grandma the other day. Lost her husband and 3 of her children to Spanish flu. No benefits. No counselling services. Just had to crack on with it. Brilliant woman according to my Dad (she died when he was 10) who was resilient, positive, empathetic and a real inspiration. I think of her whenever I think my life is getting hard.

it isn't. Stop moaning and get on with it. I tell my kids this all the time. One's just started high school and said to me the other day how immature some of her classmates are, really babyish.

Mental health isnt the issue for 99% of these people. They're just anxious (normal) and need to be told to stop dwelling on things. Tough love if you will. We pander far too much these days.

That is very true. My dd was an only child. We lived in a two bedroom unit upstairs with no backyard, just a balcony. While schools in Australia remained open my dd wasn’t in school.

Her only social interaction with other children had been play dates, playgrounds and hobbies. All of which suddenly ended! She cried when she discovered that playgrounds were all closed. It just wasn’t only about having outdoor equipment to play on such as swings and slides it was that her social interaction with other children stopped and there was no projected end date.

I remember reading on Mumsnet that in the UK you could have social bubbles with family members or friends or neighbours. We didn’t have that here in Australia. My dd was very lonely during that time.

It was an unusual, abnormal, authoritarian time. It was hard for many, and not so hard for some. I remember some very privileged people saying in interviews how much they enjoyed lockdown during Covid. They had incredible wealth, absolutely beautiful homes and large spaces and the kind of amenities that many people do not have.

My dd and I made the best of the situation. And there were people who had it much worse. One example was something I read in the news about some of the issues surrounding needing permission from authorities to be able to cross the border (interstate). All the borders suddenly and without warning closed. There was one case in this news article about a mum who was interstate for a work conference when the borders closed. She had young children who needed their mum and dad. She couldn’t get permission to return home. She had to live in a motel room, away from her young children and husband. Her children were too young to understand why mummy wasn’t able to come back home.

Some people had it much harder than others, that is true.

Do you think they get the support from employers from what you've seen?

I think there are many neurotypical children with mh issues (anxiety) as a result of neurodevelopmental delays caused by Covid - I.e. little to no social interaction with other people (especially peers) at a crucial time in their development. They knew there was this really scary virus that was killing people. They couldn't share cutlery, had to wash their hands to the tune of "Happy birthday" twice over, and they weren't allowed to kiss or hug their relatives. We underestimate the impact that has on young minds. Even now, my dd struggles with germs, sharing food etc.

I also think that many others are suffering more now who are in fact neurodivergent and who weren't able to access the right support at the right time in their development to enable them to manage their differences. This too was as a result of Covid, plus underinvestment in mental health services, plus a lack of general awareness around neurodivergence and how unmanaged and unsupported neurodovergence creates bigger problems for the future. I also think that many neurodivergent children have been swept up in the "it's anxiety as a result of Covid" assumption - thus, they haven't received the kind of support they actually require, because their anxiety is the result of undiagnosed neurodivergence. And in those situations, Covid has even more disproportionately affected those children (who are now mixed in with the Covid anxious children, waiting even longer for appropriate support).

Whichever way you look at it, whether directly or indirectly, Covid has had a huge impact.

My own dd is neurodivergent. She got swept up in the "It's Covid anxiety" wave. Her neurodivergence was always there, but the assumption was that her difficulties were purely mental health related - rather than coming as a result of unmanaged neurodivergence.

I agree also that screens, phones, the 'always on' culture means that there's no escape for children. Any playground arguments are carried into home time whereas we used to leave them at school, have a break, come back the next day refreshed.

Essentially, the information age, Covid and its after effects (waiting lists), long term underinvestment in mh services etc has created the perfect storm of a lack of early intervention.

Totally agree. This is not a reflection on the children who truly need these things to access a classroom. But LAs are so scared of being sued (in my experience anyway) that teachers are told to allow this as the pushback from parents can be massive. A huge culture of 'if X is allowed to do Y, then so should my child - and I'll go over your head if they don't get it'.

My own son has multiple ASN and should be partially in the nurture classroom in school, however he struggles to be timetabled as there are so many children being allocated to it. I am truly, truly shocked by the number of friends' children accessing it, when I know how dire the situation is for ASN in mainstream. It is very frustrating as a teacher and a parent to see this happen when resources are so limited.

I have older children too.

They don't watch the shit news, no. The news that is simply telling you what they want you to know (and not reporting on the real news!)

Because at just the age mine were developing independence, social skills, independent friendships, confidence, we made them stay in their rooms to conduct their lives online…
My kids, thankfully are okay, but many are still struggling with what they lost out on during Covid. The younger you were the more you suffered - being told to stay at home and read a book isn’t a big deal if you’re 40, it is if you were 14!

This is an interesting post and I'll write my opinion, simplified, before I read everyone else's.

I think it's a result of family units becoming more isolated, children growing up without feeling the support of a large community around them. I think their social need is not being met, and they do not feel safe and secure.
Imo, this is why we see less of these issues in other places in the world where people (still) live with/ near extended family, have a 'village' raising the children, a part of a close-knit community.

This is simplified, more and less, but I believe it's at the core of young people's anxieties.
And I don't see a solution.

DD developed anxiety after Covid and it was pretty bad but I would say she's totally recovered now. She was already homeschooled so it wasn't missing school but she definitely suffered from less interaction with friends, family, not going to dance classes etc.

I think lockdown is definitely a factor. We know it affected children's mental health. That's been proven right? There were reports on it. I think spending more time on social media which we also know affects mental health is another part of it.

I did . His dad was also a ‘keyworker’ .

Not all children are the same - not all children respond in the same way . Only 1 of my 3 was impacted . Fortunately the one that was is doing much better now- however I would say that his personality is different to what he would have been without the pandemic being part of his childhood

I agree with this idea, having also had to scrape through something like this as a child.
In 5th grade (American, age 10) my family moved to a new (much needed) bigger house and my parents could no longer afford private school so I had to start at a public. I had been at my previous school for 4 years, same kids, same friends. It was a very small school, run by strict nuns and my classmates were just like me, and well behaved and respectful. I had also just started puberty and was extremely shy anyway. The public school was a huge culture shock. A big, loud American public school, and I went completely into my shell and cried every day and developed stomach issues, anxiety etc. For the first few weeks truly my only "friend" was the school nurse. My parents felt horrible but the private school could not take me back until at least mid-year, but possibly not until the next school year. I had to learn to tough it out. I was incredibly anxious but learned coping skills (It was 1979, so we didnt call it that but I know now what I was doing) such as taking it one class at a time, giving myself markers throughout the day (made it through gym class, whew!) etc and within a month of that I had made friends and stopped wanting to vomit all day. By Christmas break I was actually enjoying school and when word came that I could not return to the private until next term, I was calm and accepting. By May, I no longer wanted to return to the private school, and in the end I learned a very valuable lesson about resilience and rolling with change.

Not one child neurodiverse? @missdeamenor

Some will have been sent to residential schools to basically remove them from society, sometimes with attendant abuse and horrors.

I bet you also had kids who were seemingly odd, or dim, or naughty or nervous etc who would today be diagnosed with something but in those days were left to struggle, caned etc.

I often wondered this. I can’t imagine just how awful it would be to go to sleep not knowing if you would be no bed in the night (or even that you were) and then get up and go to school the next day. Or kids being ripped from their families and transported to live with total strangers. Can you imagine what did to these kids? But yet there was an endemic of mental health problems.

Covid ruined my daughter as well. She was really outgoing and sociable before now she's a nervous wreck

I also think that many of them have a diet that is TOTAL shit. The link between what you put in your mouth and what's going on in your brain is only just starting to be understood.

And far too many of them don't do any activity whatsoever. No sport, no hobbies.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but where I work, I’m surprised by the number of young people (20+ year olds) who don’t know how to use a photocopier.