What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

I have cried more over some of my hamsters than over some of my dogs that have died.

Why one earth would it be different, a pet is a pet.

100% agree. We seriously need to man up and frankly a lot of these teens have parents that are just enabling this behaviour.

I went to see a 15 year old at home, missing from school on and off for over a year. I've gone round to meet her - to help. Her mother simply said, she didn't feel like coming downstairs today so won't be meeting you.

I wouldn't have dreamt of not coming downstairs to meet an adult at that age. Respect. Mother was a wimp. Child was clearly walking all over her, because she could.

Yes, lockdown meant that school was happening at home etc. But it's not lockdown now. No you don't get to miss school, no you will engage with your learning. Sure, move schools if it's a poor school but honestly, most of this is down to weak parenting.

Plenty of presents for their teenagers but no presence.

A combination of things. People who dismiss the effects of the lockdowns, or who say "I supported lockdowns even though they ruined life for young people" continue to astonish me.

At the same time, I ask myself a lot, do we talk about mental health too much nowadays? Yes it's good that we are more aware, but ordinary feelings are now medicalised. Feeling nervous is not "I suffer from anxiety". Feeling sad sometimes is not "depression". It was going that way before the pandemic.

Worrying times ahead.

I think it is a combination of covid and the fact that mental health services in the UK are shockingly bad.

It is a legacy of Covid: we are learning that being restricted in social development in the teenage years has serious consequences for adulthood.

BTW I was in favour of all the Covid restrictions, but I can see in hindsight the catastrophic effect this has had on the development of the teenagers affected, and how those teenagers now in their late teens/early twenties aren't just adapting and catching up, the impact seems to be entrenched and no-one has a solution (if anyone even cares).

Most higher education establishments just expect this cohort to fit in with how that establishment used to do things pre-2020 and it isn't working for many students in their late teens/early twenties who didn't come through education in the same environment as their lecturers, professors. What would help is if the HE establishments adapted/compromised to what the students have experienced but that isn't happening.

oh ffs. That was your fault then. No young child needed to see the news.

I had a 5 and 6 yr old at the time. Both loved lockdown, have brilliant memories of it.

If you scared them by exposing them to adult news, then that was on you.

Not totally sure it’s completely new - I had a horrible few years at uni crippled with anxiety. Spent most of my first year in my room alone. But wouldn’t have thought in a million years to seek support for it, and the message from my parents was very much ‘get on with it’. So I did. Not saying this approach was right, it absolutely wasn’t. I’m sure there were plenty of others like me at uni who just sort of got through it. I think it is great that young people now get more support.

Apologies, haven't read the full thread yet.

I'm sure that the lockdowns must have played a part in all this, but I really don't think that is the whole picture. Some kids bounced back very quickly after the lockdowns while others didn't, so we need to understand why the lockdowns were apparently so incredibly damaging to some while they seemingly had no impact on others. Inherent personality traits? Pre-existimg mental health problems that were exacerbated by the pandemic? Something to do with parenting styles? Something to do with the conditions that young people were living in during those periods? Social media consumption?

I think it's a complex picture and there are no easy explanations or solutions. I do slightly worry though that, in trying to create a culture which is accepting and supportive towards those with mental health problems, we may have inadvertently created a society in which people no longer feel a healthy amount of pressure to push just a little outside of their comfort zones. Back in the day, there was that expression "feel the fear and do it anyway". Now, "anxiety" seems to be presented as a legitimate reason for just not doing stuff. Have we accidentally pathologised normal worries and fears to the extent that we have paralysed a generation?

It can affect stats the management care about - student satisfactions scores and drop our rates in first year. Those can have wider implications for courses and departments.

Though DH just pushed back on some nannying suggested by his department heads - with a coherent argument along those lines ie their adults and got a positive response and change in approach - and students seem happy as well.

Does anyone know if these problems are peculiar to the UK or whether other European countries that had lockdowns face similar problems (also whether Sweden, which didn't lockdown fared better?)

I am older than the boomer generation - we were called "the silent generation" - so have lived through all the crises noted on this thread from World War II on. I suspect the wall to wall media coverage of doom and gloom, coupled with the ghastly social media that is impacting still immature brains plus the lack for normal social interactions during lockdown are important contributions.

I'm trying not to be "that" person but I do think that the " just get on with it attitude" we were brought up with, while really bad for some, did most of us a favour when it came to facing life's difficulties.

Plenty of presents for their teenagers but no presence.

^

This.

Parents don't have the balls to parent.

You can blame COVID all you want... But it's ineffectual parenting.

I was going to say this. Ignorance at its finest.

To the question at hand: I also have not seen this with my children or their peers so much, and I have 2 in Y11 and one in Y8.

I don't doubt that a lot of kids were very badly affected by Covid - but please, let's not ignore the many, many threads on this site where a mother says her child is hiding behind "anxiety" to not want to do things they don't want to, and is roundly told that no one would ever swing the lead on stuff like anxiety.

A lot of people - young adults online in particular - are seemingly not able to tell when being anxious is a totally normal emotion to feel, and like OP says, is needed to be acknowledged and worked through in order to grow.

TW: suicidal ideation

I’m 50 now but I was exactly like your daughter in the 80s and 90s. I used to cry before school because I was so frightened of people. I had panic attacks and I was suicidal from the age of 12.

What helped me was university - being forced into independence. I had to do things like attend tutorials, make friends, get on buses etc.

I completely understand this wouldn’t work for all children. Someone up thread mentioned their DC self harmed when forced into school. Of course it isn’t a one-size-fits-all. And as I said, I thought about suicide and self harm from 12 - in fact, I had suicidal ideation very very badly.

But what saved me was conquering the fear -realising I could manage the things I was so frightened of.

My parents were very pushy and unsympathetic. At the time I hated them, but honestly, that probably saved me too. Staying home for a year just wasn’t an option. Talking to my family, seeing a dr or a therapist just weren’t things I thought could help me - and I had no idea where to start.

I believed I had absolutely no choice but to push through or to take my life. I was lucky and I got through it - some children and teens wouldn’t.

"Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function..... "

Because they have been indulged like this throughout their entire school career. For years my son's class had to emotionally check in at the start of each day. A traffic light system about how anxious or fizzy (?) or whatever they were feeling. Year 6's feeling fizzy 😅. They were also allowed into a den at the back of the class to play with lego if the 50 minute lesson got too much to cope with. Obviously some kids need these kind of breaks but most don't.......until you tell them it's available.

Visit some primary schools. For all the talk of resilience, it's terrifying how fragile we are teaching them to be.

Does anyone know if these problems are peculiar to the UK or whether other European countries that had lockdowns face similar problems (also whether Sweden, which didn't lockdown fared better?)

^

We're in Canada.

COVID and the after effects are basically never mentioned. The whole 'COVID screwed up my teen' argument seems to be UK centric.

I do feel that the narrative of "you can be what you what" peddled by schools and other bodies is very damaging as it gives a false sense of what you can achieve and for most kids, their dreams come crashing down.

I work in HE. Mental health disclosures are through the roof.

I think social media, lockdowns and reduced independence have/continue to have a significant impact on young people.

We offer so much support to students which is great, but I worry what will happen to some students once they graduate and that level of support and concessions stop and they are expected to hold down a job. I'm not sure what the solution is.

They really are. OP talks of encouraging students to access help from the GP to allow them to function. But it's very optimistic to think this will always be forthcoming. NHS mental health services are on their knees.

I think social media has a big part to play in the problems that today’s young people are facing. Algorithms are sending them down rabbit holes. They see things that are just too hard for a young person to process. They are discussing these really complex issues in their own friend groups which is particularly problematic for emotionally immature or overly sensitive children. They see eating disorders, self harm and anxiety firsthand in school and they must find the world a pretty hopeless place.
They also seem to expect instant gratification and sometimes give up before they have even really tried.
I think that the constant testing in schools does not do them any favours either and further increases their anxiety.

Big tech companies could help minimise the harm done to our young people online, but they don’t. There is a special place in hell for them!

I agree covid has seriously affected some children and young people. Whilst my 15 year old does attend class and do his homework, he has zero social skills or interest in having friends or doing anything socially. Whilst he did have some autistic signs before covid, he had friends and showed some interest in socialising before lockdowns. I have tried to get him assessed for ASD but I’ve been told they are just too many children needing assessment now.

Can't speak to Canada, but relatives and friends in Ireland are very aware of it.

They expect their employers to provide the support after they graduate.

But they didn't used to exist at all when we were teens in the 80s and 90s.

So we need to look a lot harder than that. It's society itself. Rolling news, the pervading sense of pessimism, social media and the internet. They can't switch off because of FOMO. Someone is always telling them that something or other will kill them or that they are all doomed.

The 90s were an optimistic decade. Modern kids don't have that.

I don't think it is just COVID, although that was probably a contributing factor for some teens. This whole generation of students has grown up in isolation, even before lockdown. There is far less freedom, less playing out, more ferrying people everywhere in cars, everything has to be pre-planned and paid for and transport arranged, less in-person contact - some kids spent their whole lives apart from school in their rooms "interacting" with people via X-box or Youtube on the other side of the world, so inevitably everyone ends up less resilient. Parents are bombarded with advice, pressure and criticism from all sides right from birth. It's too easy to become so overwhelmed with what you should be doing as a "good" parent, while simultaneously having to work harder than ever to stay afloat that it become easier just to give up and let TV, online games and mobile phones do more of the parenting while feeling pressured to provide the latest trainers, energy drinks and days out on demand.

Young people are over-diagnosed and labelled.
I was in a class of 30 in the 50s and not one child was neurodiverse. Bad behaviour was simply not tolerated and stoicism and discipline were driven into us. Very harsh punishments; which would have people crying to social services now, but it made going out in the world much easier. Being a victim seems to be the norm with everyone over-sharing and telling sob stories.

The phrase 'be kind' should be changed to 'just bloody get on with it'.