What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Since someone asked - no, lockdown effects are not a UK-specific thing. I'm in Belgium and they're evident here. NYT has also reported on them in US, and I hear a fair amount of anecdotal ecidence.

To the person who said no neurodiversity in 50s - there's been a lot more exposure to all sorts of chemicals since. There may be all sorts of reasons why this happens and to just say that ppl have to pull themselves together is facile. Have some compassion.

Haven't read the full thread (I shall catch up later!) However, just wanted to chip in that secondary schools are operated like prisons... too strict, over crowded, ridiculous uniform policies, toilets locked, bullying is often overlooked, pressure not to stand out, general lack of trust in the students...

I wouldn't want to spend my time in that environment. I'm not at all surprised that young people find that environment triggers their anxiety.

It's not the kids fault! As a society we have let them down. We desperately need to radically reform our provision of secondary education in this country.

I listened to an interesting radio programme about this, it wasn't just about this age group but did touch upon how youth don't like feeling uncomfortable anymore so those uncomfortable interactions like speaking to a shop assistant at a till, ordering a pizza on the phone, going to a music gig even and navigating yourself through the crowds and the big one using the telephone rather than texting or emailing. You can literally do all of these things with no interactions, with no discomfort so when confronted with uncomfortable scenarios it is too much to handle.

I think that people of the age have less of life now and freedoms have been taken away, independence to pursue stuff has been taken. They are monitored all of the time- student dashboards and constant information coming at them. Things like music gigs and festivals seem to be something only middle age people do now as so unaffordable. That seems wrong to me as I feel that socialising should be afforded to young people like it was for me.

I have 3 dc. 2 sons late 20s and 30. One teenage dd.

They ALL struggled with anxiety between around 16-22. The two eldest were way before Covid. It's partly our DNA but it's also a huge part due to their ADHD and dyslexia and the world functioning on a different frequency to them. It sets them up for anxiety. The foundations for the anxiety started when they were young now I can see. Didn't see it at the time.

Absolutely, the relentless drive towards competition and results and social media.

I’ll be blaming covid yes. I have ptsd. I watched my mum die alone on FaceTime. It’s affected my whole family and we’ve completely fallen apart. I’m on anti depressants now, my dad is a total recluse, we all have flashbacks, she was young… I can’t even go into a hospital… yeah… I blame it for some stuff and my son spent literally 2 years including his 16th birthday alone in his room, we had no way to grieve with each other …. Don’t ‘nice try’ people who have been seriously messed up by it all.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

It’s nothing to do with parental anxiety. Why do you think young people’s mental health has fallen off a cliff since 2020?
Of course it has to do with a genetic predisposition to anxiety. Covid lockdown certainly made it worse but it's a whole lot more that just lockdown.

Neurodivergence in a NT educational setting. Pressures of getting it right and never messing up. I remember being young and lots of people wandered through funding their path in their own way. It's so much more regimented now v

Right, I’m going to say something that will get me flamed.

Working mums. Or, more specifically, the opportunity cost of diminished parental face time, as opposed to group care.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the context of Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation, and of course he lays the blame at the door of phones and social media. But less talked about is the other big social shift, which is increased femal labour force participation.

I am a working mum. I support everyone’s right to be one. But I do think we need to ask questions about the effect.

I do understand but in the world of work I'm afraid you will get short shrift if you need time off for the death of your hamster. (And possibly for the death of your dog or cat, depending on your employment. I can't imagine many schools giving teachers time off when their cat dies.)
I think we have to learn some resiliance (and teach kids about it too) when a pet dies. Learning about death is important. That's not to say kids can't grieve, of course they must, but we have to support them through it and carrying on with normal life is part of that.

Covid, mobile phones and over protective parenting.

Holy crap. I'm so sorry. It all sounds hellish

Thanks for this thread, OP. I couldn’t agree more and somehow knew what excuses reasons would be thrown around this thread. I wish people could face that the pandering and helicopter parenting is absolutely detrimental. I’m not saying that there are no other factors but we seem to have reached a stage where “sen” abd “anxiety” are used as a get out of jail free card.
We are absolutely failing our children by keeping them so dependent on us.

No doubt covid was an issue for some but it has become a very handy excuse. It was already happening before covid.

Completely agree with above posters who signpost to Jonathon Haidt and Abigail Shrier. They both say well what I have been conscious of since mine were little - the complete overprotection of children which avoids them ever having to face age-appropriate challenges and the ability to (and consequences of) failure. I remember encouraging to 'go out to play' but there was no one else ever out to play with them, so it was hopeless.

It isn't all down to parents - the fact that school won't let primary kids walk home alone; that playing out is no longer seen to be possible because roads are seen as too dangerous (cos everyone bloody drives everywhere in massive cars) and there's no waste land or woodlands that aren't fenced or private; that wandering in the woods and building dens unsupervised and just having free unstructured unsupervised time is no longer a thing; that schools are obliged to test and test and test starting the academic rat race earlier and earlier.... then add isolation due to the internet, phones, online gaming. And then yes, pathologisation of anything and everything.

Honestly. We're surprised that kids, already struggling, didn't have the resilience to cope with covid lockdowns? I would love to see a study of the kids that have done well despite the lockdowns and look at the commonalities.

What I can tell you is if I can get my kids to that age without any of those problems it would put them ahead of the majority of heir peer group. Hence my dedication to the task.

Covid is not the problem, the hysterical overreaction to Covid is the problem. I was against the lockdowns from day one and it gives me no satisfaction that I was proven right.

My son was in 6th form when we went into lockdown, and I don’t recognise any of this. I think it’s how your child is pre-deposed.

Of course women are the issue 🙄

I can get on board with the effects of not having a stay at home parent, in which case both parents (including men, the horror) should adapt around the home to lessen the effects- not just working women.

Personally I think the Internet is a huge factor, and I don't just mean social media. Having access 24/7 to really heavy topics, news and whatever else before you're at an age where it's easier to rationalise and cope with it is huge. There's also so much pressure being told millions of different things which has also affected parenting.

Your final paragraph 100% .

I disagree it's down to Covid. That was four years ago now.

It's something far worse - social media. Is it any coincidence that the age group with the most serious 'mental health' issues are the ones who've grown up with social media and an abundance of screens 24/7 from day dot? I think not.

Puberty is a difficult time in anyone's life, but add social media into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. It's not just the addiction to dopamine highs it results in, it's the shortened attention spans (TikTok brain is increasingly recognised as a thing) and the overreliance on communicating digitally rather than in person. Often, online friendships are now a replacement for the real thing.

Add in unfiltered access to all the terrible things on the internet 24/7 - dire warnings of climate catastrophe every few seconds, horrific images of war every day, and an increasingly polarised/divided world, and is it any wonder young people are becoming incapable of living normally without developing various mental health conditions?

But still, the majority of parents think their little Timmy needs a smartphone with all the bells and whistles on it from the age of 10 for their own "safety". Not realising that the harm/danger they're exposed to online is probably much greater of a risk than anything they'll likely encounter in real life.

Actually, I want to add, lack of privacy. How can children try and be themselves and succeed and fail without being watched the whole time? Switch off the find my phones, let them have physical freedom (buses, walking) and time in which to enjoy it, and find out who they even are.

Young people spend too much time interacting online.

Its interesting what you say about your institution having a lot of kids from deprived backgrounds because I think the problem is as actually a lot bigger at institutions that have more well off kids.
I do think a lot of this is from the COVID era, and not directly COVID. That period of time broke all norms in society and the consequences of that will be felt for a long time. People were taught that it's ok to stay home even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, that school is not important, that everyone should be understanding of well, anything. So many kids missed very very key parts of socialising and this dragged on way past COVID.

My point is, my experience has been that kids from lower incomes are actually in a better place. Esp those that lived on housing estates etc as their communities were quite close knit. My DD would go to her friends estate down the road and massive groups of them would play traditional games, spend hours on their bikes etc.
Their parents for the most part had jobs where you had no choice, you went. I remember taking turns watching the kids at one point from someone's front garden. I'm not even in that demographic but the experience my DD had was so different from some of her middle class friends who's parents freelance careers toppled overnight. Some of those kids had many many months being really quite lonely and they're now the ones with the most MH issues. They don't come from a large community where everyone sort of pitches in. This is obviously anecdotal but I do think this is a bit thing.

I have 2 adult children, and 8 godchildren - all in their 20's, and NOT ONE of them has been impacted like this. They have all just got on with life. They have good jobs, good relationships, adventurous lives, and Covid is long forgotten.

How are youngsters meant to just buckle up and get on with it, if their parents don't?

I actually think, that what has fucked up our young people, is the CONSTANT talk about :

Mental Health
Anxiety
Trans
Non binary
All the made up genders, when we KNOW they are only 2
Be kind
Racism
Cultural appropriation
And a ton of made up crap, that didn't even exist when we were kids.

Plus all the posting and consuming on Social Media, "Look at meee, and how I am very different and special".... "If you're not special, then you're nothing"

Urgh. Pathetic.

As for comparing sitting at home during Covid to War time - well, I have no words!! It's NOT the same. Sitting on the sofa with Netflix, phones, tablets, and an ability to contact anyone at any time, group chats, zoom, and your Asda shop delivered to your door, is NOT THE SAME as watching your brother/partner/dad go off to war, with no means of contact, whilst you live on a Tube station platform for safety. That anyone could compare the two, is CRINGE!

Absolutely! My DD (now aged 20) would concur

I simply don’t believe that there were no neurodiverse children in @missdeamenor’s class of 30. They wouldn’t have been diagnosed in those days, but they were still there.