What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

This was what I was like as a kid/teen. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to support her.

It's important for young people who are struggling to know that anxiety etc are reasons but not excuses. It's fine to be afraid or scared. But not an excuse not to try or show up.

I don't understand this - as a foreigner from a poorer country.
This phenomenon isn't seen in say Bulgaria, or Vietnam...and they also had a hard COVID period, but young people aren't now (partially) constrained to their homes or functioning less than they need to, in school or college or university.

I'm now in a country of the British isles which took in a large number of Ukrainian refugees - women and children, literally fleeing their homes being bombed.
Surely this would have affected them? Yet - the children and adolescents are now excelling in the schools and universities here.

…they don’t. Ever heard of PTSD?

I was in hopsital. The school and LA were aware I was seriously unwell. Certain illnesses mean that parents aren’t prosecuted when children have to miss large chunks of education. Eg cancer.

Same. DD2 was happy all through primary school. Until 2020, Y6 - puberty and lockdown was a horrible double whammy. She has ADHD and ASD so who knows what would have been the outcome without Covid, but I cant help thinking it was a massive factor.

Lots of things have happened. Parenting has changed, and the way people view schools has changed too. Schools/colleges etc are seen as a catch all - they need to provide everything, because services have been cut so much elsewhere. I also think mainstreaming of children with ASN has meant that universal supports are there for everyone (which is great as it allows many more children to access mainstream school), however often undifferentiated so neurotypical children access these supports and are not developing resilience and experiencing failure/how to deal with it in the same way as they perhaps used to. I feel there has been a huge societal and cultural shift in the last ten years. Covid definitely part of it too.

Please note - I'm not criticising anyone's parenting with this post at all. Also I'm not in England, so my understanding of the education system could be very different.

Parents abducting responsibility to schools
Children not being allowed to fail so don't build resilience
Increased mental health with no support or services
Parents molly coddle their kids

Perhaps not with physical illness but mental illness (which also manifests physically) they do get threatened with fines and some are actually fined and prosecuted.

And children with physical health conditions still miss out on balls/proms and treats because they do not have 100% attendance.

Absolutely. I agree with this.

They have massive trauma which resounds through the following generations.

Who says they did? My grandma was utterly messed up being a ‘child of war’. She was completely emotionally closed off. I suspect she wasn’t alone.

@EveningSpread this is the consequence of gentle parenting combined with risk adverse parenting styles creating children and young adults with absolutely no resilience because they never had to learn to cope with being told no and not being pandered to or centered in everything. Then add to that covid and both the isolation and hugely increased Internet use (with all the harms that go with it) that came with it and top it off with all the identity politics being pushed everywhere (including school) and the oppression Olympics that comes with all the special identities. What you get is a bunch of self diagnosing perpetual victims who truly believe that everyone who doesn't fawn over them and their identity/self(Internet) diagnosed condition who haven't got a clue how to behave in the real world and think that they're entitled to everything without putting any work in.

I had awful anxiety at uni. It was so hard to go to classes & speak up. I was ok at studying & had lovely friends. It was due to a family member illness & it was incredibly tough but i didn't talk about it much. Maybe there is something going on you don't know about & they don't want to share?

DS is Y11, already 16, he'll take his GCSEs next summer.

He was locked down age 11. Years 6-8 all had some kind of social restriction on him. Then at 14 we decided it was all over, he was expected to be a "normal" teenager, but had never had that organic growth into independence, learning to deal with the world by yourself etc that he should have. He goes to school happily, does his school work etc, he's a clever chap, but his social skills are poor. He was always fairly quiet, but lockdown made him so used to his own company that he doesn't even feel much drive to contact friends out of school.

I don’t really get this, I don’t know any kids this deeply affected by COVID. Bit of a bumpy start getting used to school again but they all just go on with it. I’m surprised by how common it seems to be.

@Jifmicroliquid Because children are not taught the tools to deal with things anymore, they are given passes and excuses.

This. They are no longer just worried about things. They are told they 'have anxiety'. Just look at MN now. Post after post where ADHD is given as a possible reason for just about everything.

Entitlement, people know their rights and many want to access services however resources are stretched to breaking point.

When I was at primary school, I was in a smaller class for kids with additional learning needs. My daughter, who has similar struggles as me did not sadly get that privilege. Its a shame.

That may be the case, and in the case of war children I totally understand that they may have suffered after effects.

But for the majority (not all, I know) of kids did not suffer such trauma during covid. Online classes for a few months and houses full of gadgets/netflix doesn’t really equate to what war children endured.

Mine are fine, but when we were looking round secondary schools last year there was a massive emphasis on the difficulties they’re facing due to lockdowns. So even though I have no personal experience of it, I can believe that it’s an issue.

There have been studies that show that covid affects the brain. It's probably at least as much the repeat covid infections as lockdown.

Schools are becoming unsafe, unpredictable, toxic environments. A handful of kids will be allowed to harass and bully others with impunity, while other child will be punished for minor infractions. A kid can’t work out what will get them into trouble and can’t work out why they are being punished when other kids are doing far worse.
The exact term is anarcho-tyranny. A situation where the establishment punishes people but will not protect them. I hope more parents wake up.

Is there any evidence at all that Covid infection causes anxiety/poor social skills?

How are students with extreme anxiety getting to this stage in the admissions process? Surely if their anxiety is at a level that makes attending and participating in classes incredibly difficult for them, parents and teachers should be reconsidering whether university is the right route for them? If there are adjustments that students need in order to participate in their degree then that really needs to be raised at application, so that a support plan can be put in place, rather than them just showing up on the first day and expecting their class tutor to know about their needs.

I'm GEN X not boomer, but they and us did not have subsided childcare until later 90s. Or unemployment benefits paid if we did not work due to anxiety.
Yes, houses were cheaper, but interest rates were sky high.
I have 3 adult children under 30 who have left home, and, all of them seem better off financially than I was at their age, happily.

Perhaps more children that couldn't / didn't access college previously are now doing so as they have to be in Education or employment.

It's not a particularly new issues but previously swept under the carpet my DBro was a school refuser, agoraphobic had to have Young Mind come around to help get him out the house on very short walks and had excellent pastoral support from the college but was eventually 'let go', that was 20+ years ago. My DD is diagnosed autistic andit is highly likely that my DBro is too but was diagnosed with social anxiety instead.