What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Abigail Shrier's book is called Bad Therapy.

Why?

There was no such thing as 'Open Days' back in my day!

My parents dropped me off once, to start 1st year. My degree was 4 years. They never set foot in the city again until my graduation. I had to take everything on the train.

I remember carting a metal-framed chair, my duvet in a cardboard box, and several bags and walking over a mile to halls like some pack pony! Didn't even occur to me to take the bus!!

I read Abigail Shrier's interview in the Daily Mail about her book and it sounded like a load of nonsense honestly. Just the same old tired clichés, and not actually based on much substance at all.

I know, it makes me so mad!! Like when you turn 60, you become utterly worthless and invisible!

I hadn't hit that landmark pre-Covid but I have now, and it's unconscionable to me that people like me should be considered past it and disposable!

I still contribute to society, I still have friends and family, I still support my young adult children, and I still work full-time. So WTF because the first digit of my age is 6 should I be any more expendable than someone whose first digit is 5, 4, 3??

I've reported many posts here as ageist and yet they are allowed to stand.

(I'm an arts grad too, just not evil lol!! Ok maybe a bit!!)

I am so so sorry @Choosenandenough xx

But hasn't there always been an element of controlling culture in schools? For example, my dad who would be in his 100th year if he was still alive, was left handed, but was forced in school to write with his right hand. Corporal punishment was a 'thing' and still continued for years after that.

My primary school principal was nothing but a bully. If a child was guilty of the most insignificent misdemeanour, he would bring them into his classroom and chastise them in full view of the eldest pupils in the school, pushing them around, belittling them and humiliating them. His ultimate goal was to make the child cry. I fell foul of him a number of times for the most trivial things (eg sent out to clean the duster, and banged it off the wall of a mobile classroom!!) but I was a stubborn bitch even then and wouldn't give him the pleasure of crying!

Secondary school was better mostly but I still recall being in town at lunchtime aged 17 with two of my friends; my form teacher caught me and I was instructed to write an essay explaining why I shouldn't have been there! Fortunately my mother sided with me and sent a letter explaining precisely why I would not be writing it!

I couldn't say that my kids' school was overly controlling. They had their rules and that was ok. However, the day a teacher chased my 18 year old son round a classroom in an effort to confiscate his phone, which he had been using prior to the start of the school day in his form room as most of his pals were too, stands out. DS refused to hand it over and teacher literally cornered him behind desks! So jumped up teacher rang me and was told in no uncertain terms that he didn't get to police an 18 year old's use of a phone in appropriate circumstances, whereupon he put the phone down on me!!

So did I. Missed out doing GCSEs and AS levels so was then thrown in the deep end having to do A levels with no experience of public exams. DS is very intelligent but doesn't do well in exams, and without any experience of doing them, missed out on his first choice uni, but is happy enough with insurance choice. Also doing much better than he ever did in school because the approach is different and the assessment much more course-based.

He has always been a gamer much though we tried to limit it. He games with his friends though, and I often hear gales of laughter coming from his room so I know at least he is having social interraction. So much of his life is lived online though. They rarely go on nights out. They seldom meet for coffee. They go to the cinema occasionally.

When I was his age I was hardly in 2 nights in a row and if I was, I was socialising with my flatmates!

However even my older two, when they went away to uni, socialised only occasionally and I can't believe the sea change between students now and students of my generation!

Even when I was at school in the late 60s- early 80s, the corridors were always abuzz with chatter! It's nonsense to suggest kids move silently between classrooms!

It's not always a straightforward choice! My elder two were 7 and 5 when my youngest was born, and he was always wanting to play on his sisters' consoles from the age of about 3! We caved in and bought him his own Gameboy for his 4th birthday but regulated its use!

Blame this all on the Covid lockdown. Fucked youngsters up royally. Poor things.

Think about how old these youngsters were during lockdown. It significantly impacted on their emotional and social development.

It's not just about mental health though - it's the hijacking of it by those on the take. I had a conversation yesterday with a manager who has a staff member with an atrocious absence record. She'd met with this employee 3 times under our Managing Attendance policy. At the last meeting, she said, "if your attendance doesn't improve, we may have to deal with this through the disciplinary policy". So what does employee do but send in a sick line for 4 weeks citing "stress at work"!!!!

I don't think you understand what ADHD is. It's an actual difference in chemicals/hormones in the brain.

But hey - the boomers!!!!!

.We also had a beautiful lockdown experience!! DC1 came home from her PGCE, DD2 from her final year of her degree. DS was here because he should have been sitting his GCSEs.

The weather was lovely, we had a garden to go out into, and we probably all got on for the best time ever!

So while all three missed out on some of their education, we had an amazing time as a family!

TBF I'm also a very late 'Boomer' (61 now) and all of this resonates with me.

@Runnerinthenight

Compare that experience with the family in a City Centre flat. No garden to sit out in. Two kids of eg 11 and 12 at the first lockdown.

These children suffered no face to face social interaction during an incredibly important time in their development. They were banned by law from going round their mates. No first boyfriend/girlfriend and the emotional resilience that first heartbreak brings. No first kisses or sneaking time alone with their boyfriend/girlfriend, that should be part of a teenagers move into adulthood.

I strongly believe these now young adults/late teens did suffer extremely poorly.

The massive difference between the majority of those examples is that there was an 'us' against 'them' thought process. The public for the most part were looking out for each other.

I think the only thing that came close to the division that Covid caused among us all was Aids/HIV. Those in the Gay community now will tell you it did mess with their mental health.
Not knowing if they were contagious or if their friends were, or indeed how it became transmitted. I have a male gay friend who lived in London during the height of it, and he would tell tales of landlords throwing suspected gay men onto the street without warning.

Now you give that same thought process and attach children. No wonder their mental health isn't good.

Yeah I guess they did. None of my three children has ever had a relationship and I know that lockdown had an effect on that.

Sadly I suspect that delayed falling in love getting broken hearted will have an effect. When it first happens age 14/15 it appears to be the end of the world, but worst thing that happens we don't pay attention at school for a week or two. When the first time it happens we are in responsible jobs etc. Not ideal.

I get what you’re saying. However, it is completely beside the point that I am making.

Yes young people today are grappling with mental health issues but so did young people of my generation and generations before. We are not as different as we would have ourselves believe. As we get older we sometimes forget what it was really like being young. When we are younger we have not yet experienced what it is like to be older. And so from generation to generation we have older people despairing over the younger generation. And younger generation feeling like older generation doesn’t understand them.

To borrow your comment about us vs them, the way we compare our own youth with the youth of today claiming that we handled things so much better is an example of that. And so is the misconception of the younger generations that older generations had it easier.

This song highlights that nothing much has really changed throughout human history. There are issues that repeat themselves in various forms from generation to generation. And will continue on after we are gone. It is not a comprehensive list of everything that was faced by humanity in that time period. It is only a few examples.

The chorus sums up what this whole song is about especially with some of the lyrical change towards the conclusion of the song:

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning, since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on

I really do think that we need to stop obsessing over the perceived failings, problems and issues with the younger generation and start building them up with acknowledging their strengths, their amazing potential and the equally important and valuable role that they have in society. Because we are still doing the us vs them and it is not healthy.

Lockdown was not really that long...

Just as a reminder:
"Reviewed in three weeks."
"Three more weeks."
"We can turn this virus around in twelve weeks."
"Just a bit longer, don't blow it now."
"Normalish by Christmas."
"Significant normality by Easter."
"One last push."
"Irreversible road map to freedom in June."
"Oops, July."
"There might be restrictions every winter."
Lockdown and restrictions kept being extended, and the goalposts kept being moved again, again, and again, by stealth, so that there was no end in sight. How could anybody plan anything, or have any hope for the future, especially young people, when as far they could see, this was the "new normal", and that those in charge were going to keep dragging out the whole thing, by stealth?

You also have to remember that while fifteen months is not long to an adult such as you, it is an eternity to a child or teenager. Five-year-olds spent a quarter of their LIVES under restrictions.

And try telling the people of Leicester "lockdown was not really that long".

Just one of the many timebombs that will result from this, while those that instigated this have long retired, on their millions.