What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Lots of fair and intelligent observations above . I'm a parent of 3 within this age bracket.
What bothers me mostly is the fact that I think this is endemic and I feel we all have some responsibility - including young people themselves. Essentially, we don't have much of a future society when we are all self defined by uor own mental health nuances. How can we go on with whole swathes of society refusing to use public transport, leave the home, speak to others face to face and so on.
I appreciate I'm generalising and not an expert, but it is something I notice more and more frequently and truly worry about them and the future for us all - irrespective of 'Why?'

Not covid itself but what happened as a result...shut schools, online learning, everything via a screen etc. Plus a lack of get up and go attitude.

Stop using covid as an excuse for everything, most kids bloody loved it, home schooling, a few online lessons thrown in for good measure!

For some children maybe . My DS was too young to process the constant death on the news . It scared him pure and simple . My kids still call the news the death channel

Another thing to add DS got a 2:1 in a humanities degree and cannot get a job at all. He applied for a few entry level jobs with the LA and never heard back. The Job Centre confirmed that these jobs are probably out of reach for him.

There are not really any pathways to work now. Degrees are pretty much worthless if everyone has one and you have £27k debt just for tuition to boot.

Hello love,
Im going to be short and to the point please forgive me if at all seems harsh, but NO Covid is a virus and the lock down is a one time event. Deal with it and move on! Quit playing the victum and giving labels to ensure you/and yours stay in that mode. No lockdown isolated child stuff!! I homeschooled (at home!) 12 children. No issues here, I have children that run to the fearful and to the gosh.. uncomfortable. Paramedics, salesman and managers. But yes I do have those that prefer more toned down interact actions like my web Developer. But none of them are on meds or in need of psychologists for their “lockdown” trauma of being at home for their schooling 12 years. It’s time to get a new narrative. Really an old one of the far past. “Get up!! You can do this” or It is possible or try, try again until you succeed. We all have to deal with the sharp edges of life but thats just it, deal and move on and be better for it and help others.

I have had a few employees disclose anxiety to me and have made numerous changes to support them. I absolutely care about their mental health and often find overly anxious people can become some of the best employees once they are well supported.

Many of the changes are really simple too, an open door policy so they can chat if they are worrying about a matter, extra supervision, positive feedback on good work, the ability to work flexibly. Generally they are practices everyone benefits from anyway.

I had 4 children at home. I was acutely aware that in having plenty of company (and space) they were hugely privileged compared to children without a pack of siblings. They still had those developmental opportunities and chances for play

They didn’t also have social media.

This exposes teens to all of the horrible things going on in the world 24/7 but then scroll on down and you’ll get some stupid video of a grown man pulling ‘pranks’ on his friends.

They are at the same time terrified and bored, connected and disconnected, almost adult without any of the adult experiences etc.

Covid was a disaster, but combine it with constant access to the internet and a generation of helicopter parents (us) and it’s catastrophic.

I agree that interaction was a major part of life in my youth and hearing how things are said in context. Today you read an email or text and it's hard to gauge if the text is being harsh or just normal interaction. It's how you read it that can affect how you react to the missive. Hearing it actually being spoken to you is completely different ( if that makes any sense )

My DD with ADHD/ASD couldn't cope with school. Trying to attend a large mainstream school literally nearly killed her.

-She should have been in alternative provision for children with SEN. There are no where near enough of these schools.

-Her EHCP was "fast tracked" when she became unable to attend but still took nearly a year to complete when the legal maximum is 20 weeks.

-Once the EHCP was in place the school didn't follow it anyway! What a waste of time and resources. I hear this from multiple families too.

-The curriculum is too intense. Teachers pretty much saying at least 5 grade 4s or above or your life is over, does not help an anxious child.

-Schools prioritise rules and sanctions over supporting the children. My child went to their first tutor group in 10 months to meet their new tutor. Within 20 minutes my child was given a detention because their pencil case was missing a pencil. They were humiliated in front of the class having to go through their pencil case in front of everyone. Guess what - that was the first and last tutor group they attended in year 11. The school apologies afterwards don't fix what happened. I don't recall my pencil case ever being checked throughout my entire education.

Despite draconian rules on pencil cases, uniform etc and punishment for minor infringements, schools don't seem to be able to tackle real behaviour problems like bullying and class disruption.

My child is now at college. They are doing much better in a much healthier environment for them.

Schools have lost their way.

What higher education do you work in?

Because honestly our lecturers had no clue who was where and when and literally did not care, it was announced on day one that its entirely on you to attend classes... thats always been the point of uni, you aren't babied through it, if you fail for not attending its on you, doesn't effect them and they don't care.

I was at uni 13 years ago and it was common then too, lots of people didn't make it past year 1, many dropped out in the first 6 weeks, many of my friend never showed up to classes before noon because they couldn't be arsed to get out of bed in the morning and no adult was forcing them too... its not remotely 'new'.

hamsters are not “unimportant to have feelings about”, but it certainly isn’t the same as a dog dying. Well, not for > 99% of the population anyway. You’re being ridiculous.

Threat of nuclear war, interest rates at 16%, our publicly owned utilities were sold without consent, no legal minimum wage....and some have been campaigning on ecological issues for decades.

16% interest was for a VERY short period of time. Anyway, 16% on a mortgage of £30k is a hell of a lot less than 5% on a mortgage of £200k!

Direct taxes, such as income tax was higher, but VAT, national insurance, fuel duty, alcohol duties, rates/council tax etc were far lower. We also didn't have insurance premium tax, landfill taxes, air passenger taxes etc etc. Nor were there student loan repayments.

Please forgive me if this seems harsh, but nobody cares.

It's not just you. Nobody outside our immediate circle cares what most of us think. As such, any of us telling other people they need to move past a massive social upheaval because we want them to is completely pointless. We chose this, and now it's going to play out. There isn't a way to opt ourselves out of it if we pick just the right blend of harrumph and cod motivational platitudes.

Then why as you, as the parent, not deal with it at the time, turn it off, manage their expectations? Discuss it with him?

I worked in Covid ICU all through, my children weren't traumatised by it, because I as the parent managed their expectations and protected them from it.

Perhaps I struggle to see it from other POV because there was no social media or even mobile phones when I was a seriously ill child. I had virtually no contact with any friends while I was unwell, apart from an occasional landline phone call from a school friend. I was unable to leave the house or hospital. But the rest of the world was still turning- my schoolmates were moving on, school was going on without me… and I wasn’t.
I had to slot back into a society that I had been out of for a year. Totally out of. And you know what, it was tough. Really tough. But I learnt to be resilient and I realised that life wasn’t fair and I’d been dealt a rubbish hand but I had to get on with it.
Perhaps what I went through makes me struggle with this notion that covid caused so many issues for kids, because actually, compared to what a lot of very poorly children go through, it really doesn’t compare.

If the covid lockdowns caused such a massive issue to young people then something has gone really, really wrong with society.

The younger generation lack resilience and acceptance of reality.

It is not possible for everyone to be intelligent or bright and achieve your dreams. Previous generations faced this stark truth and despite having dreams moulded their life to fit in within their ability and had like minded friends as support along the way.

The current younger generation expect things and emotionally have not been brought up by society and parents to deal with life's disappointments.

In fact one girl failed first year and then complained that 'no one had phoned her parents to warn about her lack of attendance' even though we where all told 'practical' was mandatory on day one.

Yes because unis are going to taddle on fully grown adult to their parents, we where in our 20s for god sake.

Yes it's a post-covid thing. Many of my friends who are teachers of all age students are seeing the same thing.

Social Media and the Internet has a big part to play, for many many reasons

Firstly people are fucking horrible online. Every viral tiktok/instragram will have 100s of negative comments. People who are socially awkward will get relentlessly mocked (see pick me trend). Young people are constantly exposed to everyone's opinions, and what can happen if you don't behave on exactly the right way. They see the consequences of being perceived as weird and this can be essentially worldwide bullying.

The Internet gives access to all news, all the time. Again access to all fearmongering across the globe constantly

It also means you avoid things that you used to have to do to get by. You don't have to go out to the shops anymore, you don't have to speak to the bus driver to get your ticket, you dont even have to call the GP. Its so easy to avoid things

Again technology means people spend more time on their phones, in doors. Your not forced to go out to have fun or make friends.

And finally I do also think there's there's element of social contagion from the Internet. Young people see videos of others talking about their anxiety, they pick up new anxieties and they pick up new things to avoid. The Internet can pathologise completely normal feelings

I'm not sure it's all COVID related...I think a lot of it comes from the long term use of smart phones and social media. The Anxious Generation book explains this, backed up with lots of evidence.

Well yeah, maybe something has. We have to deal with the consequences either way, because the fact that some people go through things that are worse tells us absolutely nothing about the impact of lockdown.

I have a late teen DS and young teen DD, my DS is fortunate as he is natural gregarious and self confident but he certainly has friends that could in part be described in this way. Thay said, I graduated in the early 00s and I knew loads of people that oppressed their mental health issues but their certainly had them, escaped with drugs probably. I also knew someone who tried to commit suicide sick was the pressure from his family regarding his success. Young people are perhaps just vocalising stuff that we didn't.