What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

I have a 16yo and thankfully he isn't like this.

But a lot of my friends with teens are having problems.

I don't think covid should just be dismissed. It certainly ruined my son at a key point. I think he has overcome it but it held kids back developmentally.

The internet probably has a lot to do with it too. I don't think us parents know how to really manage it.

Modern life it luxurious but also very stressful and kids might be worried about their futures.

The other point is kids DID suffer with anxiety in the past. I did. I struggled terribly but it was all just swept under the carpet whereas it's more acceptable these days to say it.

Of course we did….we never struggled or had any stress….😂😂😂😂🙄

Equally I was asked by a SENCO yesterday why my son would want to do A levels. Apparently there is no point doing A levels and possibly going to uni if you haven't already identified a career that needs a degree at 15. Again, pressure that I didn't have at his age - it was ok to just do A levels. It doesn't all come from helicopter parenting.

Lots of the things already mentioned.

Another more left field perspective: within psychology there have been theories amongst sone psychologists that children would find it increasingly difficult to cope emotionally and it has been a trend since the industrialization of society, where the family rhythms, in particular child bonding, is dictated by a need for materialism. The parent has to terminate attachment earlier due to work for e.g.

We now have a hyper-capitalist society in which many of the social protections and safety nets have been eroded along with wider family bonds. For e.g., housing, youth clubs, places to play, lack of green spaces and children's development is being forced to squeeze into it.

For e.g., My estate is getting a renovation. Half are now home owners so they are chiefly concerned that the space looks pretty. So a tiny 'contemplative' garden is being planted and 30 new flats built. No one gives a fig that the children play football in the current space. In fact there is no where else in the local vicinity where children can play football or other ball games or use their scooters. There isn't any space except the road. They are going to dig up the concrete and remove that space. I raised the issue, got firmly dismissed and given a little 'we'll put some logs in' as a gesture. Lets remember children's brains aren't exactly the same as adult brains. Children's brains are more lateral. They need play and make believe for their brains to develop. But now they are forced into very curated, streamlined environments early, (and the academies are especially awful in this regard, I agree' have to learn to read quite early, then have SATS. I remember lots of play in my primary school, lots of indoor 'free time' even after playtime. We did not have SATS.

And has already been said, I don't envy the young. They have been totally shafted. When I was young I said I was going to marry a fireman and have 5 kids.

Todays children can't even afford to get married and have one kid let alone a house. They deal with constant instability and the knowledge that they CANNOT be average and have any of the normal things in life or any security. They have to succeed. That wasn't the case in my day. Plenty of average people were abale to have a life.

I think we've let kids down and keep focusing on the wrong things. I would like far more help for parents and far more flexibility and holiday time for parents for one thing.

Another thing that has been mooted is later school start times, or shorter school days. We can't expect things to just remain the same and focus on counselling alone.

Reading the OP, I wonder how these young people will deal with studies, work, relationships/heartbreak, and leaving home. It reads as if they're terrified at life.

Yes, of course. There are multiple factors to take into account, including personal feelings. Some of the DC who themselves were resilient to the things you mention may still be struggling because of the wider impact. For example, a parent who lost out financially due to lockdown potentially might now be less able to house a child into early adulthood, and that child could now be more anxious due to those practical effects even if the experience of lockdown wasn't a problem for them mentally. This is where privilege comes in too.

The so-called boomer generation had 16% interest rates, FFS. They may have had peace, but the IRA were active in the UK and getting blown up was not unknown.
Taxes in the 1970s were catastrophically high.
It's not a competition. There is good stuff and bad stuff in every generation, and we all need to just put up, shut up and get on with life.

My ds 17 could probably be like this is circumstances were different, he has asd so that is a factor.

The biggest thing I think that has helped him is his school(we are in Ireland so it's secondary school that you attend from 12ish to 18ish. It isn't strict, there is no uniform nonsense, so long as they are wearing an approximation of the uniform it's fine(for example dd wears black flares instead of the navy uniform trousers as do a lot of the girls). They can have their hair how they like, they can wear massive falde lashes if they like etc. They treat the kids with respect and let them be themselves.

The school is relaxed and friendly, the kids call the teachers by their first names, the school is small, less than 200 pupils, the teachers know everyone. I've gotten phone calls from teachers saying your ds hasnt been himself the past few days is everything OK with him. That alerts me when something is going on and I can bring it up with ds or allows me to alert the school if I know of something and we keep in touch until it's resolved. This really stops small issues blowing up into bigger issues.

Again the school is small so in some classes like his German class for instance it is him with 3 other students, it allowed him to build up confidence to give his opinion in front of small groups and then in bigger groups in larger classes.

But really for all of that waffle what it has come down to with him is a really supportive school community where the school and the parents work together to help kids become the best person they can all around. Treating the kids with respect, giving them responsibility, listening to them and discipline is practically unheard of because it just isn't needed, the respect goes both ways. We've been so lucky, the confidence all of the children have there is so great to see.

Shouldn't it rather be that they were kept in prolonged innocence? Stunted due to lockdowns.

My 72 "thanks" suggests your sarcasm is misplaced.

Absolutely shite parenting, and the internet.

They had peace, low taxes, moderate interest rates, low housing prices and quietly ignored global warming. They had the cold war, the very real threat of nuclear war, sexual inequality and diversity discrimination in the workplace to a far greater level that today, no preschool provision, so little socialization before the age of 5, no protection from sexual harassment, poor maternity provision; and on the climate front we were being warned of an impending ice age. Don't be so selective in your characterisation.

Echobelly, I really like your phrase "encourage a counterproductive fragility" and I think there is something in there.

Too often we incentivize "I can't cope" by saying "fine, you don't have to". Yes, some people need scaffolding to get to where they need to be, and we should provide that, but we need to retain the expectation that they get to the point of coping. Some don't seem to have a sense of responsibility for themselves and wait passively for someone to find a solution and hand it to them (and then they complain when this doesn't happen).

Modern life is horrific. I genuinely don’t believe we have evolved to deal with what we live in and that creates a huge amount of anxiety and stress.

Teenagers now have huge pressures. The curriculum is very demanding and dry and does not really cater to those more suited to modular or vocational types of learning. Social media and technology 24/7 is extremely toxic. Not just relentless cyber bullying (just look at almost any thread on Instagram, Threads, X, Facebook that descends into adults being needlessly cruel suggests it never changes!) but the intense pressure about your looks, Andrew Tate and incel culture, celebrity/influencer culture, etc).
Kids have access to porn and drugs and it’s ‘normalised’. Kids carrying knives and stabbing each other.
Covid lockdown completely disrupting their social development.
The environment on the verge of collapse.
Wars or the threat of wars and terrorism, genocides. Extremely divisive politics which pits people against each other, with self-interested and corrupt politicians.
24/7 news in your face constantly.
austerity driving many families into poverty, while public services, NHS and schools are being decimated. So many children with unmet needs meaning they struggle to access education.
Today’s youth will probably never be able to own their own homes. Jobs being automated or moved to cheaper countries by corporations.

Honestly, how do any of us manage to function?! Young people’s future seems pretty bleak, to be honest. Coupled with the lockdowns which were devastating to a lot of young people. I can see why they struggle.

Look up Jonathan Haidt (US social scientist) - there is a video of him in an interview on Triggernometry. It's on YouTube. It's fascinating (and depressing) about how smart phones have had such a devastating impact on children born after 1996. (Adults/ teenagers who got smart phones are less affected as we grew up without them in our formative years.)
Keep children off smart phones until they are eat least 16. Otherwise their abilities to develop are literally stunted (it affects areas of the brain). I haven't watched the entire thing yet but it really is so interesting. He has written a book called The Anxious Generation.

I have 3 sons, one has a phone so we can contact him travelling to/ from school but he isn't allowed Facebook, Snapchat, Insta. He sometimes messages friends on whatsapp. We have stopped our children using their ipads as well. I really do hate to say it but their imaginative play and overall calmness has increased. They still watch TV but as they are watching tv dramas I find their interest is much more self-limiting. They'll stop when there is the end of an episode and go and do something else, whereas if they are just watching YouTube videos or playing Minecraft they find it much harder to step away. They play with me more, as well as eachother. And go and kick about in the garden. Or listen to an audio book.

capstix

I don’t think every problem with students nowadays can be attributed to them being disillusioned. The entitled, lazier students aren’t thinking ahead, they’re literally just used to things being done for them, are on screens too much, don’t talk to the outside world enough (gotta love ‘boundaries’ etc ). Then they’re out in the real world and it must be a shock (this thread is so giving me a kick for my eldest)

Wanted just to come on here to say, I actually felt like this at uni 20+ years ago. I know you're supposed to love uni, but I hated my 3 years there. I never told anyone that. I felt anxious all the time. It wasn't about being away from home, I'd travelled the year before. I just felt out of my depth and like I didn't fit in despite acing uni academically and I'm sure my friends thought I was confident etc. But back then, I just kind of muddled through and actually got into a really bad relationship (and marriage!) because it offered some some stability. These days, there is language around this. I guess people are more willing to be compassionate to themselves these days and speak up when they have problems. I don't think this is all covid-related.

It’s not normal and it’s not covid. Read the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haiyt. It’s a generation being brought up in an era of powerful forces on the internet.

I don't think it's surprising really. When I finished school going to uni was seen as a big success, I got into a good uni with 2 C's and a D. You felt like there were loads of opportunities and that getting a good job and a house afterwards was completely achievable even if you did very little except drink and socialise. Student fees were paid by the government and there were maintenance grants for other costs that didn't have to be paid back. There was no SM showing me how successful, beautiful and how many friends everyone else had compared to me.

Now you have to get really high grades to get into the higher ranking unis especially on competitive courses because they are dominated by international students who pay much more - or you may even have to have above the accepted grades, plus a good number of relevant extra curriculars to be in with a chance . There is huge pressure to get good grades at both GCSE and A-level just to be able to get onto the next stage.

Then you get to uni and there is huge pressure to fit in, find your tribe, fend for yourself - and suddenly you get hardly any teaching and expected to learn for yourself. You need to know how to find the info you need and write an academic piece despite the fact you were spoon fed the very specific curriculum all through A-levels and the last essay you wrote might be a GCSE English language piece. While this is going on you also often have to decide on a group of people to live with in a years time and find a place together despite hardly knowing them because otherwise you may have no one and nowhere to live.

During all this you are aware that it is costing you 10's of thousands of pounds that you are going to be paying back for 40 years and so you have to make it work somehow - and you need to get a decent job at the end to make it worthwhile and to be able to afford to live. You need to have more than just your course on your cv at the end of it so there is pressure to try and get a work placement, this can involve applying to loads of places, going through stage after stage of personality tests, online interviews and face to face interviews that may come to nothing. To be in with a chance at those you need a cv full of extra curriculars again - you need to be able to show you are a team player, excellent communication skills, well organised, leadership skills.

On top of this there is SM constantly showing you what a wonderful, wonderful time everyone else is having. How successful they are, how gorgeous they look, how many friends they have. SM has had a huge impact on the happiness of kids these days IMO.

So I think it is the huge pressure to perform/succeed and the huge pressure from SM that are causing the issues for our kids.

I going to sound like a complete dinosaur here but I think everything being done by app or at least the ability to bypass human interaction means my kids have had less practise of "soft skills" and talking with people than the previous generation. Self checkouts, online shopping, banking apps, homework apps etc
DD had a click and collect parcel the other day and she was over the moon to just scan a qr code at some lockers to get it = you don't have to speak to anyone
Of course she talks to friends and family, but far less practised in incidental interactions with people you might not know. I remember hating having to talk to people when I was a similar age and even now would still rather whatsapp than call someone.....but I didn't have an alternative to do it online.

Covid I think. And I think it affected different children differently but those it did affect it had a huge impact on.
Children's whole lives were thrown up in the air almost over night. And they missed formative chunks of social development.

That's not criticising the decision, although I think the implementation could have been different. But I don't think the impact is remotely surprising

Oh and social media. I would have hated to have had social media when I was a teen. I loved going home and switching off into my little bubble when I wanted to.

They didn't, and I speak from personal experience.

They buried their feelings, carried on, and passed down a whole load of generational trauma to their kids, who luckily live in different times and hopefully have access to some sort of therapy, in order that they don't fuck their kids up so badly.

Same - it's a longer trend according to my lecturer DH though covid clearly hasn't helped.

Thing is though at of what pp are saying applied to me at 18 I had limited experience of public transport - some with buses parents mostly wanted to drive us round - only one job which did help me grow up a bit summer before - wasn't allowed to cook or use washing machine at home. I struggled to talk on phone at 18 school sixth from treated us as younger kids. Went of to university and it was a steep learning curve but I quickly learnt.

I do agree with PP that schools can be an issue - they without talking to us issued DD2 with a class pass and told her she was anxious - it escalated the problem she started to leave more classes - we had to work on what the issues were by ourselves to try and keep her in the classrooms - now Y11 she not missing any lessons.

I did speak to another mother with similar child - very different approach reassuring their child it was fine not to do things - while we are more well that happening now how do we help you managed.

I really do wonder how some people are actually going to cope when they can't use anxiety to fall back on all the time! Because believe it or not your employer doesn't actually give a flying fig about your mental health - they say they do - but the reality is you're paid to do a job! Your colleagues don't care - they are picking up the pieces of doing the job you're not doing!

I would be embarrassed if my children behaved the way some teenagers do nowadays

Lastly I think if more people were told to get a bloody grip we wouldn't be in a position now where people are too scared to open their doors or make a bloody phone call!