What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

COVID did a number on alot of young people. They missed out on academia and social interaction.

My DD faired better than most but she has had to catch up.

I definitely agree with those saying that our kids are headed into a lot of insecurity about the future. Lockdowns didn't help with that, especially with neurodivergent kids. Our son has ADHD and seems OK, our oldest is undiagnosed but may have adhd/autism. They are 16 now and dh and were talking about the difficulty of balancing accommodation for them and reasonable engagement with things they need to face. They are basically capable and competent and very independent but DH and I have both noticed they are leaning more into vulnerability since feeling they may be neurodivergent (and they probably are) and I'm wondering how to discuss this with them sensitively. I'm also aware maybe they were masking vulnerabilities before.

They have lovely friends who are supportive but listening to them talk I do worry if they way they do this may encourage a counterproductive fragility sometimes as well. Ugh I really don't want to be a Daily Mail reader about it because yes, things are really shit for young people and they shouldn't just accept everything about the world as it is, but at the same time, there are some things they just have to deal with for their own wellbeing and that of others.

All kids went through lockdown so it's worth finding out why some kids were so badly impacted and others weren't.

The kids I know who weren't impacted badly, were kids who went out, got plenty of exercise and weren't on screens too much.
I think all kids do better with a bit of "back to basics" in their life. That includes outdoor time in nature, exercise, stories (books and tv), nutritious food, sleep and quality time with family.

My Dd had all of that.

Still couldn’t cope.

My late mum lived through the blitz aged 14/15.
She was told once ' you look terrified '
Nobody told her that was a pretty natural reaction though. (Her mum and dad were hard nuts though)

I think the future is far too overwhelmingly for young people nowadays. It should (and is) absolutely fine (and a good thing) to have an ‘ordinary’ job, a skill or a learn a trade - and not go into higher education at all. More apprenticeships are needed and there should be less emphasis on going on to higher education from school.

Part of it will be that some kids had a much nicer lockdown than others. Lockdown entrenched privilege across society in general, so that's inevitably going to include kids too. Better to lock down in a house with a garden and enough space than a small overcrowded flat without any. Then access to schooling was very unequal, some parents coped better than others, some parents were being asked to do much more than others.

Really interesting thread, OP.

my DC are younger so were spare the worst of Covid. However, I think there’s something underlying here.

i have a couple of friends who are lecturers- they say students are less well equipped for life than years ago, but they were saying that before Covid.

Ive noticed my DS’s school- much more pressure for results. And also, much more helicoptering parents.

you only have to look on mumsnet to read about parents worrying which RG university is most likely to get their DC a job. Someone genuinely fretting about their child turning down Durham and choosing Leeds!

that must wear on them. When I was a child, my parents were supportive of my education, but were never pushy. Homework was my responsibility. I remember wishing they’d been stricter and pushed me more, but I now know that I learned a lot about how to learn efficiently and effectively. How to manage my time, and the pain of managing the consequences.

it meant that by the time I went to work, I was able to meet deadlines and learned to manage my own nerves when facing new challenges

Um...they lived through a global pandemic in which their worlds were turned upside down in some pretty formative years. I appreciate you taking time to understand this. The lockdowns were devastating on top of years of challenges, decimating of youth services, destruction of public places / spaces where they could hang out free of judgement OH AND...the huge social experiment of social media, sexting, porn, online bullying, distraction and addiction encouraged by massive tech companies.

Absolute nonsense.

Covid has a lot to answer for.

Speaking as a psychotherapist who has been treating hundreds of people a year and also has teenage children who have struggled.

I've seen the multifaceted impact of the covid lockdowns 10 times over.

HE institutions have gone the way of many other organisations and reduced the human element in their interactions.Assignments submitted online, no discussion — just a mark or, if you’re lucky one-word insulting comments to show where you might improve. Adult students treated like children. And then ridiculously high rents, including for university accommodation, leading to justified anxiety about finances and, often, term time jobs. Plus COVID exam grades reducing confidence in their achievements. And a realisation that adults have messed so many things up that their assumptions about what is important are hugely skewed. My DS received no sympathy at all when he suffered two (human) bereavements within a month.

• covid
• born to parents who have anxiety
• social media
• the general doom and gloom feeling that is spreading due to cost of living/government policies etc.
• the fact kids are not designed to be sat in class rooms 6 hours a day and the balance between class rooms and exercise/being out side is completely off
• The fact many families can't even take their kids on holiday to break the monogamy because you end up being fined or with a criminal record

It's not just COVID it's also the rise of social media and devices which bring the internet to DC.

In years home by, DC would be out with their friends, gaining confidence with social interactions and just being out and about in the world.

Now, even the most sociable and confident spend hours on their own on their devices. Those who already tend to be a bit shy or not great at social situations just aren't getting the practice they need at living independently in the world.

I'm so glad my DC's secondary has just banned phones at school. At least they will be interacting with each other in the playground. Not that they get long to do this. In my day, we got an hour for lunch and were allowed out of the school premises.

In my DC's school, they only have 35 minutes, most of which is silent queuing for lunch and eating it. They don't get much time at all for social interactions.

I think that the online realms are so non-negotiable but have added layers of stress in ways that demand a lot of very choppy attention, which is rarely something to escape from.

Yes, social media and influencing, but also education. Homework, timetables, hand-ins, plagiarism detection (if in universities), all of this is now at arm's length and should remove the need for interaction if the IT is working well (which is not very often). My DD used to have the school timetable on the app for the students - this year, the school have removed this and put it only on the app for the parents. We have pointed out that she could take a photo for her phone, could have a bag copy or whatever, but she's been lost with the change of approach and is otherwise bright and was fine when her timetable was at her fingertips.

In a lot of universities, now there is lecture capture, people are saying that there is much less acceptance of 'just' missing a lecture due to illness or something unavoidable. In the old days, yes you missed it, but that was life. Now 'content' is expected to be able to watch every possible thing on demand, even if you could or did not go on that day. And that is a short step to 'Oh, my lecture conflicts with my job (or my more enjoyable thing I'll do instead), but that's fine, I'll just work but be able to get all of that on catch-up', Netflix-style. Except - oh, weekend before exam, the sound was absolutely shite on that one so student won't get it. And wouldn't many binge watch everything in the last week if you could get away with it at age 18-20?

Essentially, it's not really streamlining communications - it is adding another channel to many where you used to have to interact and be on the same page as another interactor, in the same timeframe, to work things out with more connection. It's good when 'purely online' works, and to do so, is kept simple, but it doesn't allow for complexities or nuance. You give a lot of your power and satisfaction away in many ways, if everything is tech-system driven.

In terms of costs of real activities, travel and the feeling of enough time, fun or safety for the post-16-18 age group, I also think these are becoming bigger barriers with a path of least resistance being to turn to a more insular way of being. I'm way beyond that age and I also find this to be a thing (mainly related to earnings/costs of stuff).

I only know one normal teenager.. and her mother died when she was 11… just saying..!

My thoughts

Lockdowns removed the social contract of education being compulsory, and routines were removed.

Schools are heavily institutional and rigidly controlled, and one size fits all. Which clearly doesn't work.

Helicopter parental style, kids no longer play out like they did 40 years ago learning independence, problem solving, and gaining maturity.

Social media is a retreat from the real world

Poor housing and little chance of getting their own safe, secure accommodation

reduced social mobility

Wrap around care from infancy, producing similar issues to 'boarding school syndrome' but swept under rug as the governments refuse to address cost of living issues, predominantly housing, and both parents need to work regardless of effect on DC. No choice for parents.

A combination of these produces kids with low motivation and low work ethics, and immaturity.

Shes trying though and wanting to practice to help her anxiousness. I think she’s doing great.

I work with teens daily and the level of ‘my mental health’ excuses with no desire to do anything themselves other than have a solution handed to them is staggering.

It is very much an Amazon prime mentality with no independent work.

They also have minimal awareness of anxiousness being a normal emotion versus anxiety as a diagnosis!

@OrdsallChord But that's not necessarily the case. Plenty of kids from nice homes wit gardens are suffering with anxiety.

I'm well aware that lockdown was shit for many kids. Some of my dcs classmates were doing lessons from a phone while looking after younger siblings because both parents had to work.
Or didn't leave their apartment for months because their parents didn't want to.
These kids are not always the ones suffering with anxiety because they learned to be tough and resilient.

The OP says "So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who: (etc)"

So, OP, is this a noticeable uptick in 2024? You counted, say, 20 such incidents in the first two weeks of term in 2021, 20 in 2022, 20 in 2023, and now 40? Might it just be a statistical blip? Because nothing that anyone is talking about in the replies has happened overnight.

OP, can you tell us your job title, or at least what department you work in?

Social media
tik tok
endless watching people tell you that you have what they have and is So rare so No medical person can diagnose

contagion of whatever the “influencer” has described. Hi guys, I’m gonna tell y’all something my doctor shoulda prolly been able to diagnose but big pharma my nutritionist tested my inflammation 5G y’all gonna be shocking …

Self diagnosis - 5 questions to tell you if you have anxiety/adhd/austism/social anxiety/dysphoria/feline autohydrosis, wheat allergy, tomato allergy, diary allergy, dust allergy, sick school syndrome, thyroidosis, undiagnosable inflammatory syndrome, etc

etc
etc

A lot of responses have been about the effects of covid and lockdowns. Don't ever underestimate the impacts of isolation. My dd was 3 during lockdowns and we made sure that she got out and about . When the playgrounds opened again she was straight in there. It was evident that the lockdowns were causing social problems in kids. When it was mainly open again, we went on a day trip and a little girl about 2/3 told us to stay back and not come near her. That just says it all really! People are now wondering why kids are developing social isolation and anxiety.

I see so many supposedly-sensible parents fussing over their young people, catastrophising and helicoptering. And so we shouldn't be surprised that their kids pick up on this and 1) become anxious and 2) don't learn how to sort things for themselves. I have a friend who is a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and this is what she sees. Parents just aren't demonstrating or teaching any resilience.

I think Covid is a convenient screen, the real reason that young people's mental health has fallen off a cliff in recent years is the dependence on social media.
The constant bombardment of unrealistic body images/material aspirations.
Young boys being exposed to so much pornography, and a lack of parenting to guide them away from the relentlessly harmful imagery/ideation.
It is no wonder that it is hard to find your own identity when you are surrounded by so many artificial identities.

Reading snippets of this thred, I am glad we took the no bullshit approach with our DC post covid.

Obviously DC were uncertain and even scared, after being told that the outside world is dangerous and everything moved into their bedrooms & online.
So when things opened up again, we made sure, we took our DC out (primary & secondary school at the time). They wanted some sweets, a drink or a toy, I gave them the money (within reason!) and they went and bought it. Yes, I walked with them to the till, but they had to do the choosing & talking....
Indulging in a NT typical child's uncertainty will lead to anxiety & depression. Making them overcome their uncertainty will help to make them into independent & able young people.

The boomer generation had everything handed to them on a plate. They had peace, low taxes, moderate interest rates, low housing prices and quietly ignored global warming.

@capstix

Peace - we lived in fear of the IRA
Taxes were higher than they are now
Moderate interest rates - Ha. We were paying 13% on our mortgage in the 1980s

I'll give you global warming though.

I think the only other point that has been missed (unless I have missed it on this thread) is that there are a number of young people going to university who simply aren't suited to higher education or are just not ready.

I used to be a member of the WIWIKAU Facebook page and before I left I saw more and more posts from parents of students who were failing or dropping out. Nearly all of these students had been hand held through A levels and found the transition to self motivated learning at university very difficult and just couldn't cope.