What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

In my experience with my ADHD daughter, the COVID lockdowns absolutely ruined her. During the time when all her social skills should have been developing she was locked away and told she couldn't go anywhere.

Now she has seen that the world CAN shut down and she CAN not do things it's much harder for her to see why she should have to do things now. We have to push her a lot and we explain that everyone gets nervous and has to do uncomfortable things and she is getting there but we are supportive and active parents...which not all children have.

I'm afraid in my opinion this is a direct result of lockdown policy.

Nice try, will covid still be blamed in 20 40, 100 yearsm

How may parents with anxiety have children with anxiety? How is it covid's fault?

I am a parent of a DC in that age group.
She is still recovering her MH which fell off a cliff in 2020.
However we wouldn't have sent her off to uni in the level of difficulties you describe. She has actually just had a 'gap year' from college to improve.

I think if people are struggling that much then a year or 2 out to recover and then return better equipped is more useful than not making the most of their course.

My daughter is 18. She crashed out of school during A levels, and is struggling with nearly all the things you say.

When we saw the Ed Pysch as part of her EHCP he said he was overwhelmed with young people like this since Covid.

Lockdowns broke the regularity of day to day life. The just getting up and going in every day. And young people couldn’t adjust back. My Dd is AUDHD but l can see so easily how it happened.

We went into lockdown when she was nearly 14. Prior to that she has loads of friends wood catch buses. Now at 18 she’s scared of catching a bus. Prefers to stay in

I supported lockdown. It messes up young people though

This is so wrong.

It’s nothing to do with parental anxiety. Why do you think young people’s mental health has fallen off a cliff since 2020?

Yes it is to do with lockdown. I had it from the horses mouth. Why dismiss what is true?

This is just guessing - I am not an expert....
Covid.
A school curriculum that is too full and intense.
Schools that are far to strict and don't give any time for children to develop confidence and their own style/personality.

I think that level of anxiety is not abnormal especially following covid. But the only way out is through. If you don't expose yourself to things and develop distress tolerance, your life shrinks away to nothing.

Lockdown threw young people under the bus.

Secondary schools make them a nervous wreck.

Social and traditional media produce lots of fear and anxiety.

I went to a separate sixth form college which was a real independence bridge between school and university. I was treated like an adult from the age of 16/17. In our area there are mostly school sixth forms - DD1 was treated like a child in Y12 and Y13 in comparison.

A lot more are comfortable to talk about these issues and say what they want, though they may not get the balance right or know what is "normal" or "expected" yet as they have not been to university yet. A lot of them are incredibly switched on and far more sensible and clued up than my generation were (X).

Also I don't know why employers and universities expect perfect formed 45 year olds when these kids might be only just turned 18. Frankly plenty of older people are also capable of lacking resilience and getting things wrong, but it's only something I hear about young people and apparently it's all parents' fault.

Just to add that a hamster dying is the same as any pet dying - would you give more sympathy for a dog dying? Because you assume the hamster is forgotten in a cage in the corner rather than a beloved pet?

I agree with the rest, but it annoys me when small animals are relegated to unimportant enough to have feelings about

The boomer generation had everything handed to them on a plate. They had peace, low taxes, moderate interest rates, low housing prices and quietly ignored global warming. They were handed our utilities, BT and the railways as if they alone owned them. Gen Z is the poorest generation since Dickens's time. 30 year olds can no longer leave home. They work 20% longer hours for 20% less pay and 35% lower pensions than boomers. They have little promotion structure in modern corporations. They have been left the bill for global warming and the boomers propensity to fund tax cuts through borrowing. If they don't see the point, why am I not surprised?

This.

And they were locked inside in their social and independence building years. So are behind developmentally. I don’t see why this is difficult to understand.

Because children are not taught the tools to deal with things anymore, they are given passes and excuses.

I suffered from a childhood illness and missed a year of school. I developed severe anxiety about going back as I was still unwell and anticipated being unwell in school, plus my friends were now a year into their friendships without me.
School were aware of my issues, but there were no ‘time out’ cards or a nice, quiet room to sit in. I had to get on with it. And honestly, as tough as it was (vomiting on the way to school in fear), it was the absolute making of me. Nowadays I’d be given a pass, told I could miss lessons to sit in the SEN base and pandered to, which wouldn’t address the issue. It’s just skirting round it and then the child never learns to cope in the real world. Hence why we have a load of young adults who can’t hold down jobs and struggle to regulate their mental health.

This is an area I feel very strongly about because I have experience of. Plus I was a teacher, so I have witnessed the increase in children who are unable to cope with their issues.

My son is 18. I think that a lot of it is that that don't really socialize face to face outside of school, it's all done in isolation via computer in the safety of their bedrooms.

Mine has just started uni... he's nervous but I think he'll be ok. What I think made a huge difference for him was spending 3 weeks interrailing with a friend right after A levels - it forced him to gain independence and take responsibility for himself and he came back with loads more confidence than before.

How on earth did the children of war cope?

Yes! I was a very anxious kid. I went travelling for a year on my own and it was like I came back a new person. I had to get on with so I did. And I learned what I was made of.

I think covid is only one part of the puzzle. I think a big part is also apathy.

Except mine self harmed seriously when forced back into school. So yeah that’s a great idea

It’s not about being taught skills. It’s about a landscape that changed too quickly for people to adapt to

Have you ever thought that this is the first generation who spent their most formative years locked away during Covid? A lot of teens/young people have struggled ever since. My DD used to be a high flyer, now she has left school with no A levels as she cannot cope with the anxiety of things. Covid lockdowns ruined her.

My DD has always been shy and a worrier. She has social anxiety which is is seeing a psychologist for.
Ever since she was in reception every teacher said she wouldn't ever speak up in class even if they knew she knew the answers.
She speaks with other students and has made friends with others on her course at uni. She started last week. She would always go to classes and arrives on time (usually early)
She asked if we could practise going on a bus together at the weekend. I said the bus probably doesn't run frequently on Sundays, and that if she knows where she's going I think it will be straight forward to use by herself (she travels on the train confidently and on her own, because you rarely need to speak with anyone)

I think a lot of kids lost their innocence too young due to the Covid pandemic . My own youngest DS is not the same child he was prior to 2020 - he’s less joyful and more anxious . The other DC (all older ) are fine .

Nowadays your parents would be fined and prosecuted for you missing school. It's much tougher these days, not easier, for those with mental health conditions.

Teachers and schools...right. Are we the ones who allow screen time 24/7 instead of actually parenting our kids? No.

Parents, look in the mirror. For once.

I don’t think they do

They’re living in a world where information is at their fingertips - positive and negative (heavy on the negative), their financial prospects are worse than their parents’ generations or the generation before them, and had their younger years shattered by COVID lockdowns, and all that is just the start. I’m surprised when I meet a young adult who isn’t an anxious wreck.

It’s not just 16-20 year olds, there are plenty of younger children with mental health issues.
Covid made things worse but also schools are mess, public services are underfunded, politicians are just playing a popularity game rather than trying to run a country. A lot of adults I speak to feel that they are hard done by in some way or another. 24 hour reporting of news just gives a bleak picture of the world. It’s not really surprising that kids and young adults are struggling.