What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Combination of Lock Down and toxic social media. It's a nightmare.

I was a teenager in 81 and often felt like this to be honest. I could have easily just stayed in bed if my parents had allowed this , but they didn't
They had endured the war years and were quite tough ( even though my mental health wasn't always great and my self esteem even lower)
I'm NOT suggesting that 'tough love 'is the way for everyone, but it worked with me as I knew by I had to get on with it and work my way through life. I have struggled with lots of things , but sometimes 'getting on with it ' isn't a bad thing to try and install as well. It's just a fine balance and I'm sure I didn't always get it right with my own children either, but they do need to know you can't always hide away from everything in life too.
I know There are more pressures on them these days too, but it's learning to negotiate through it.

Yup.

During covid, on a societal level we said school attendance was a nice to have that could be withdrawn if there was a good enough reason. That lesson has stuck.

Lockdown has had a massive impact on them. But so have other things. Especially the relentless message that happoiness is the only valid emotion and that we should strive for it at all times. This has led to an entire generation pathologising normal mild anxiety, fear, distress, unhappiness, loneliness.

It took me months and months of sustained discussion with my ASD son to make him understand that everyone feels scared and lonely and socially awkward and down for no reason sometimes. These are all well within the normal range of human emotions.

There has been such pressure on parents over the past two decades to ensure children are never stressed, never bored, never hungry or physically uncomfortable, never left out socially and never ever left unattended. All understandable impulses, but children need to learn to self regulate, to deal with physical, emotional and social discomfort, and most important of all, they need to be left alone at times to cope and realise they are capable - of playing outside, walking home from school, getting a bus into town, going for a bike ride with friends. The less we allow this, the smaller the window of opportunity they have to finesse these skills before being chucked out into the wider adult world.

Are you American?

@Jifmicroliquid
As lots of people have said, they didn't. The suicide rate went up during/after WWII and continued to go up. The highest rate of female suicide was in the 1950s and 1960s.

I know less about it, but I think alcoholism and other issues were also high, as a way to cope with it before mental health was well understood.

It's probably a combination of many things.

Haven't recent studies suggested the long-term damage of COVID to children's emotional wellbeing and educational attainment will be felt for years to come?

https://www.lse.ac.uk/News/Latest-news-from-LSE/2024/d-April-2024/Educational-damage-caused-by-the-pandemic-will-mean-poorer-GCSE-results-for-pupils-well-into-the-2030s

Then there are some who may suffer the concentration difficulties (among other things) shown in young sufferers of long COVID.

Then there's the ever decreasing funding for education, the increasing number of (totally pointless) tests we force young children to do; the lack of public healthcare; the removal of support that gives poorer children a better start in life etc., etc.

And, of course, there are just some overindulgent parents who wrap their children in cotton wool rather than teach them to be independent adults.

DD was definitely affected by Covid, although her grades don't reflect that. She's in the upper sixth, and still predicted above As, but I can see her struggling.
the lack of decent medical care and access to it is a factor in how she's doing. DD recently had blood tests and was diagnosed with thyrotoxicosis, an urgent referral was made to an endocrinologist. No treatment will be given until she is seen, despite being highly symptomatic. We've been told she won't be seen until at least December. Meanwhile she's struggling with a level of anxiety and exhaustion that's making day to day life difficult. I feel helpless as a parent.

Children are given devices which let them see the whole world too soon. Internet and social media damaging underdeveloped brains.

The other thing I would say is that the world can feel like an increasingly dark and scary place at the moment and it's overwhelming. Climate change, war. The future looks very uncertain for our young people.

You could say the same for pretty much every generation though.

My parents grew up with the threat of nuclear war. That was still a bit of a thing when I was at primary school - I remember a tour when I was at school around the local council’s nuclear fall out shelter and it wasn’t a nice place. Plus terrorism - it was the IRA for us, now other organisations, but it’s not a new threat. In terms of climate change, for us it was CFCs and the hole in the ozone layer that concerned us.

It sounds like your whole point is that you were not given any tools to help you cope. And then you say that these days, kids aren't given any tools to help them cope as though that's in some way different.

Too many parents pandering and making excuses.
I have two teenagers one who has ASD and they seem to have coped despite COVID. Youngest (16) who had autism started a new college, knowing nobody there, gets multiple busses and does her college work. She does get tired and burnt out but she just uses her headphones to block out noises and spends about 90 minutes in her room after college to decompress.
I know others will say their child suffers more than mine, that Covid is to blame but we need to start getting our young people back to dealing with the real world.

Yes, lockdown is one of multiple factors. Its not only about covid, not at all.

Lockdown seems to be the only one that people expect to magically evaporate, however. Most people understand that we can't turn back the clock to the 90s in relation to Internet and social media, but there's an awful lot who think we can harrumph ourselves to 2019 when it comes to the impact of school closures and the pandemic.

I remember talking to my Nan on the phone during Covid when she was stuck in her retirement flat about her war experiences (she was 15 when it started) and she said the real difference to her was that the war was all about coming together, the British spirit and fighting the enemy. Doing your bit and as a young woman she was suddenly valued more and told she could help and have a purpose.

She found Covid hard and lonely, people kept their distance from her and each other for fear of passing it on, even her carers came in as quickly as possible and she wasn’t allowed to see her family. She found it a soul destroying experience

and then look at what we told that age, that they had to keep themselves separate and isolated from their peers and their (older) family members. That talking too close or touching their friends could cause the virus to spread - at an age when going out with friends and making connections with people is a vital part of maturing

is it any wonder that when suddenly told it is alright to do so it’s over (even though it’s not) caused issues

The real problems are coming in the future. The current older Secondary / College / university students all benefited from SureStart centres and lots of funding during the Early years.

The real challenge is going to come when the younger cohorts age up, having not benefitted from that, and lockdown, and parents recovering and living through the financial breakdown in 2008 and COL crisis and escalating MH crisis in adults and children.

It is obvious that the current young generation are far less resilient and are far less used to face to face interaction. They do not know how to cope unless everything is 'instagram perfect' - as that is their expectation of life.

I definitely believe social media is at stake here. They act like being on socials is the be all and end all and conduct most aspects of their lives via the net

It is sickening really - but parents could have stopped this instead of sitting back

The other thing I blame society for a lack of parental interaction. In my grannys day, the kids would come home from school and a parent would be there. Such are the times nowadays that necessitate that both parents work and kids are often coming home to a dark empty home. There used to be bigger families so kids would grow up with the social inteaction of siblings - nowadays one child families are standard - but my grandma came from 12 siblings, my grandad from 10
Its not the parents fault as such, more a lack of time due to NEEDING to be both be working. Its never ideal for both parents to be working imo.

Then there was the covid lockdowns. It cannot have been good for the younger minds who were already holding each other at arms length

My 18 year old has adhd so anxiety has always played a part in their lives. Ironically we had a rather lovely lockdown so no blame can be laid on that doorstep. I think this trend has a lot to do with social media and the internet, there is just too much information and stimulation and not enough rest. And the ability to compare themselves with their entire cohort across the world does not help, there is always someone having a better time, richer, smarter and better looking. This isn't healthy for self esteem or just peace of mind. And one last thing, education has become a rat race. I was incredibly studious as a young person, but I still remember having so much free time both at school and at home. With my own children, their school schedules seemed packed if not lessons then 'enrichment' activities, and so much homework. I was exhausted and I was only a bystander really so imagine the impact on the kids.

There is quite good evidence that overall child MH improved during lockdown. We tend to forget how many children find the social aspects of school stressful and anxiety-inducing.

Poor mental health for reasons already pointed out by other posters
Little to no help with mental health from the NHS
Inadequate SEND provision from primary

All these build up over time so gets worse as they get older. I think children have been massively failed by tech firms, the NHS and their educational needs not being provided for. It’s an absolute disgrace

Definitely not alone. I had a difficult childhood due to my mother's unacceptable behaviour. I'm 100% sure that behaviour was and is rooted in feeling abandoned by her father during WW2. She was 3 years old when he was called up at the start of the war and vividly recalls the multiple times she and my grandmother waved him off in his uniform from the train station, never knowing if he'd come home alive again.

Oh, OK, God's gift! All hail you!😀

I have one still in that age range who seems to be doing ok but I have to make sure we discuss worries and keep a positive framing. I don’t think it can be blamed entirely on covid / lockdowns.

The education system places them under pressure. And now there are student loans to worry about in higher education. Most now cannot study or work in the EU. They are told they will never be able to afford to own a home of their own. So many wars in the world - probably no more than there ever was, but the reporting is ever more graphic and continuous. And the climate crisis is a threat that will potentially change much of life as they know it in their lifetimes.

As their parent you need to keep talking and listening, be positive whilst being realistic.

My friends son who was 14 during the start of lock down has autism. Pre covid you would have to know him well to know he had autism (he masked very well) and was bright and top set and had a (very small, but close) group of friends.

Covid broke his mental health (and my friend his mother). He now is a shut in and a recluse. It’s extremely sad.

I’m clinically vulnerable and lockdowns saved many lives, but it also impacted children’s life immeasurably. I think all the nasty comments about how ‘weak’ children these days are, are very nasty. Each generation is going into a worse off world, poor job prospects, housing, covid, etc. I’m not surprised.

This will be an unpopular opinion here on MN, but I also don't think an overzealous attitude to body autonomy helps. I think children who are told they never have to kiss granny hello or goodbye, never have to tolerate being patted by a stranger's toddler or pawed by a puppy in the park are learning that all discomfort is intolerable, and that they cannot cope with it and it is their right not to cope with it.

I think a bit of 'hug your granny/it's just a puppy saying hello' etc teaches children that they are resilient to a bit of discomfort, rather than teaching them their bodies are delicate little temples that must be guarded at all times.

Obviously this differs from teaching them clear boundaries about privacy and sexualised touch. But it's worth making the effort to distinguish between the two - between what is tolerable and what should never be tolerated, and that these two are not the same, not related, Touch itself is not intrinsically scary. Contact with strangers is not automatically a potential threat. Training children to find casual touch disgusting and alarming is to deny them a normal aspect of socialisation. And I think that some anxiety around the classroom, around being in normal social situations stems from that.

If they are taught all emotions except pleasant ones are abnormal and that they should be on guard during all social interaction in case a boundary is crossed, then they are being taught to spend their lives in high alert. Not good for them, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially.

It's not a nice try it's a fact. The Covid generation (those who started or finished their teens in 2020-2022 are massively hugely impacted by that period and their parents are often also impacted by the cumulative effects of austerity policies and financial problems related to the economy post brexit and Ukraine war so are far less resourced to help them. Our country is in a state and young people are struggling.