What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Hi op, mine are slightly out of your age range but tick most of your boxes. They both have ASD too, severe anxiety and OCD. Lockdown for them was a blessing and a curse and my son especially struggled when going back into the world, he was a nervous wreck and dropped out of university after 6 months. He’s obsessed with germs and smells and I find it so sad that our young people are suffering so much.

my dd is only 13 ( 14 in February ) and should be in year 9 of high school but she’s been unable to even leave the house since last October and is suffering every day with anxiety and having to live life through a series of rituals and routines. She’s also unable to get on a bus which started a lot of the issues surrounding school. It’s heartbreaking as a parent to think my kids are so unhappy and I think back to my teen years ( I turned 13 in 1991 and am now 46 ) and they were such good times.

I don’t know what the answer is but I do believe social media has a lot to answer for.

edited to add that ds is now 21. He was at 6th form college during lockdown.

Partly lockdown - I feel thankful that my children were younger and not teens who needed to learn how to be independent and have space from their families more- partly cultural.
I’m in a ‘tough’ secondary school and the amount of tiptoeing around kids because of their MH issues is surprising - mainly because most of it is normal teen stuff and they don’t have issues .There are plenty of kids who will take the piss contentions class, not come to school, not do homework etc if they can get away with it. Doing themselves zero favours in the process.

I personally think it has a lot to do with social changes that have limited the opportunities for young people to mix with people of other ages outside schools and families. There aren’t the clubs, evening classes, churches that there used to be, and so many things aren’t allowed for teenagers due to safeguarding rules. I think you grow up by interacting with people who are older than you and seeing how they deal with things and on top of the covid lockdowns and reliance on screens these opportunities aren’t out there as much.

I think although covid has had an impact the biggest issue is technology- before social media etc young people knocked on their friends doors , learnt about crossing roads caught busses to local towns etc. Prior to smart phones /Internet young people generally had limited access to hearing world news and scare stories that are important but should not be causing anxiety to a generation

I'm not sure they did for the most part. All four of my grandparents were children in ww2 and all four of them repeatedly rocketed from poor decision to poor decision, particularly in their personal lives. They all, while admirable people in some ways, made complete and utter spectacular messes of their lives. The repercussions of which we are still living with today even now they are all dead.

I agree with those saying social media/rise of smartphones has probably had the biggest impact.

Technology in many ways is ruining people’s lives and causing massive problems for our young people. But how do we stop it? In a world where you basically rely on technology and kids live their lives through apps like tik tok.

congrats on managing it. Lots of kids put in that position either fall to pieces or commit suicide.

I too had pretty bad anxiety at school. Parent died. I was put in care. I was being bullied horrendously. The just get on with it mentality has been incredibly damaging and is something I am now having to painfully unpick with a therapist. Just because the experience worked for you doesn't mean it works for everyone. I too work with children and can see the value in validating the way that they feel, teaching them the correct language to identify feelings and giving them tools to cope with it.
Surely a child taking time out in a room is better than them disrupting a class or smashing it up.

I think we (society) don't give children/teens much responsibility or freedom.
Once upon a time it was perfectly normal for children to be outside on their own. Children as young as 10 doing paper rounds or babysitting. Being sent down the shops by their mum. Walking themselves to school. Basic "playing out".
We don't want to go back to the days of 9 year olds in factories but 16 year olds can't even get part time jobs because there's so much restrictions and red-tape.

Social Media is a BIG issues, as is the online world in general. Lots of the ‘anxious’ teens - ie not the ones who really do struggle- are following accounts of people who are openly in there talking about their MH or struggles or themselves and making it all seem, well a bit cool to be honest.
There are so many, and a lot of attention seekers, which is a shame because it downs out the voices of people who are talking about genuine MH issues, openly and in a more helpful way

I agree. Social media should be banned for all under 18s.

Yet the Ed pysch told me they are overwhelmed by it. So it must exist.

What I think made a huge difference for him was spending 3 weeks interrailing with a friend

Oh god hope he was over 16

I’m pretty sure there is evidence of the issues the OP describes building up before 2020. I think that the covid/lockdown experience intensified and accelerated things but I don’t think it’s the whole story. I think there are (likely a complex matrix of) things going on in the UK in how we are educating, bringing up, providing for our young people. Potentially something generational that we are passing down.

I’ve certainly noticed what you’ve noticed OP but in family and workplace settings.

Lockdown to an extent, but I don't believe this is the main problem. Young people don't socialise in person as much as we used to. They rely on technology for everything and have lost the skill of communicating and being able to authentically judge others actions and reactions, making them extremely anxious and nervous. Technology is a brilliant tool but also has a lot of negatives and this is only one side of it.

For example, a positive is being able to find a location quickly and finding the route you need to walk, to get to an interview per say, via Google maps, instead of having to speak to others to see if they know how to get there, doing a dummy run on public transport and asking people around you for directions if you get lost. The negative of this is the lack of communication skills, reading of body language and navigation skills.

Yeah I've always suffered with anxiety but if you can use it as a crutch for everything then it can make it worse.

Parents and schools have no boundaries or discipline anymore so students can pretty much do as they like. When it comes to behaviour and general functionality then it's not helpful.

I work in FE in a pastoral role so the age bracket before they get to HE
Taking those with SEN needs out of it, I think there are a multitude of issues tbh...COVID has a lot to answer for but also the "entitlement" to a MH condition is rife, almost every day I find myself saying "I understand why you are worried but that is a normal worry, that is not anxiety".
I also think that they have seen that school can be done remotely (regardless of it's efficiency) and as a result do not see the need to physically attend. The same goes for friendships, they don't feel the need to go out to socialise now.
I also hear that they feel they are being set up to fail constantly, like exams are designed to catch them out and are rarely a true indicator of their ability.

agree
and to be honest- I would've used all those excuses as a lazy, immature and slightly shy 18 year old (and throughout my life, I daresay)
luckily they weren't as culturally acceptable and I had to get on with it

It's much easier to give in to those anxious feelings and stay inside when you have the Internet. There is no need to ever leave with online shopping, multiple channels, all music streamed whenever you want, social interaction through various platforms. If teens only had books to read and 4 channels on the tv they would be much more likely to get out of the house for entertainment. It makes home education easier as well. Also, things like school refusal are social contagion. The more people do it, the less extreme it becomes so more and more people do it and parents are less likely to insist their child goes. I'm not saying those feelings aren't real but not facing your fears doesn't make them go away.

The only differences between that generation and mine is

1. Smartphones
2. Both parents working full time.

The issues are not new, always been there. Swept under the carpet

This has a big part.

Patents working full time to pay the bills. General treadmill of life that everyone is on.
Most people are stressed to some extent. We're not giving the next generation a positive view of life.

If we're being truly honest, the strictest Covid lockdowns were only a few months. Yes the whole debacle was very unsettling for a couple of years, but to say kids were "locked up" is untrue in Britain.

Too much screen time! Games and phones are a real menace!

Too much time glued to their phones and the impact of covid.

The rise of social media and the fear of going viral .

It is amazing that you have so little understanding of history. The boomer generation were born into post-war austerity. They lived through the Cold War and the Cuban missile crisis when we came close to nuclear Armageddon. There were wars in the Middle East, in Africa, in Europe, in the Falklands. In the 70s we have general strikes, three day working weeks and sky high taxation. Not to mention the miner strikes of the 1980s. The public purse bought the railways out of bankruptcy following the war.

Each generation has its difficulties.