To cancel our first holiday together 6 days beforehand

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all, I'm trying to understand why my boyfriend would ask me this before I cancel our holiday. We have been together about a year and we are going to Thailand on Wednesday, he has never left Europe so we are both looking forward to it. Early today I mentioned I had read there are ALOT of massage places offering happy endings where we are staying thinking we would both have a have a bit of a laugh about it so I was shocked when he said 'I could get a hand job and you could watch' I laughed and said yeah right thinking he was joking but he carried on by saying 'it wouldn't be cheating if you were in the room would it'. I asked if he was joking and he said no. I couldn't believe he'd even suggest it. I said OK maybe I can get a happy ending from a man whilst you're in the room (I would never) and he got very annoyed saying it's totally different and why would I even say that. This is our first holiday together. I have planned and paid for this holiday as a gift and I just cannot believe he would even suggest it. He did apologise after I told him how upset I was.

For context he slept around alot whilst we were seeing each other but not officially together whilst saying if I ever slept with someone else he would never see me again. He swears blind he has been loyal since we have been official and I believe him (maybe stupidly). Any thoughts? I feel like not going at this point but maybe that's an overreaction

@JingsMahBucket

”I don’t victim blame but in this instance it is really hard not to.”

So, you admit to victim blaming. Amazing. You obviously DO NOT understand coercive control. At all.

How would you have got out whilst being threatened by bouncers? I suppose you could have paid the huge bill and got out on your own but then you would be where? In the middle of the red light district in a foreign city. Would you have done that? How brave of you. And easy to say when you weren't there.

@EngineEngineNumber9 yes, I do understand coercive control. As to your previous point regarding women have been battered and raped for years, I actually understand them more than the OP in this case.

Well yes. Telling a poster that you don't believe them is the definition of troll hunting and you've done a fair bit of victim blaming for good measure.

Yes I would’ve paid the bill at that point and left. The useless fucker could’ve paid the rest of his own fucking bill he ran up being gangbanged by 6 women. If he loses a few limbs or digits because he can’t pay, so what? That’s his Daily Fail story made for him.

And I would’ve gotten a different hotel as well so he couldn’t find me. The OP has been to Thailand before and knows the area. Engage your wits and self preservation.

ETA: Or hey, here’s a crazy idea — don’t go a trip with him the first place just like you said you wouldn’t do! @Chickenrun12 did you have friends to talk to about this who also advised you on what to do or offered to go in his place? What after you returned? Have your friends been supportive?

And what would you label your behaviour?

What the fuck are you even asking?
my behaviour is that I'm responding in good faith to a post on mums net and reporting posts that breach talk guidelines. What are you implying?

She didn't claim to be "shocked" by such behaviour. She just said she wanted no part of it. There is a difference.

@Twistybranch, @TheSilkWorm is correct regarding troll hunting on MN X so I’d tone it down a bit.

You know what, I'm pretty sure I would have done the same as you suggest. But I'm not in a coercively controlling relationship and I actually have no idea how I would react. I always thought I knew how I'd react if I was sexually assaulted but turns out when it happened I was dead wrong. Coercive control changes your behaviour.

Hello everyone,
We are getting a lot of reports about this thread and have had to remove quite a few posts that break our Talk guidelines, specifically for troll hunting. So we ask that you please stop this.
Mumsnetters who continue to troll hunt may have their accounts suspended which is something we would rather avoid.
Please report any concerns to us, we are always happy to take a look however as of now we have no reason to believe that the OP is anything but genuine.
MNHQ

Jesus fucking christ.

I am so glad you finally left him

But I'm so sorry that you took so much horrendous stuff from him before reaching that point.

I hope that you are in a better place with better self respect now. I can't imagine how low you must have been and how little you must gave thought of yourself to take all that shit.

See, it's easy to say ltb but when someone thinks they don't deserve better, they take shit that others think is unbelievable.

I just wanted to add I've read through the replies and I'm genuinely grateful to all those who supported me here. It was awful and I do wish it wasn't true.

Over the last year I've been repeatedly told what I can and cannot wear, where I can go, who I can speak to. I've had a full glass bottle thrown at the wall which rebounded and smacked me in the head. I've had lit cigarettes thrown in my face. I've been screamed and sworn at and called every name under the sun daily. I've paid for 95% of everything since we met. I have been told 'if you ever go near another man I will stab you, kill you and throw you in the river' - despite the fact he was still sleeping with other women.

I know I should have left immediately. I don't actually know how I found myself in this situation other than my mental health wasn't great, I was alone and vulnerable. I should not have accepted any of it, but I did.

I am completely out of the situation now. I am receiving professional input for my mental health and I'm on the waiting list for therapy to help me figure out why I accepted any of this and I certainly won't be dating anyone for a long time.

Thank you to everyone who has been kind.

I'm just realising the extent of subtle control that's gone on between myself and someone else over several years. I've realised how much this person has got in between me and my lovely family and between me and my brilliant husband despite them all trying to make me aware. It's not the same as this at all (no big dramatic incidents, just subtle manipulation and put downs) but it has made me realise how much control someone can have over you without you being fully aware and then suddenly something happens (in my case a tiny thing, the straw that broke the camels back) and suddenly you get clarity and its very sad to realise what you have 'allowed' to happen. I'm glad you've realised and managed to get away and hope you get the support you need.

I didn't take the photos. A thai woman who worked in the bar took them on his phone.

@Chickenrun12

Oh my goodness, you’ve been through so much at the hands of that piece of shit. I’m so so so pleased with your update that your’re away from him and getting the help you need. It’s fucking brilliant that you’ve managed to get free of him. Please try and ignore the awful people on this thread. They have no idea what it’s like - lucky them.

Don’t ever for one second blame yourself. It’s his fault, he’s a monster and chipped away at your self worth and bullied you into being a shell of a person. I wish you all the best in building yourself back up. Sending strength and love ❤️

Gosh op, that's sounds incredibly scary. I can well understand how the situation escalated and why you did what you did.

I'm glad you left him and are seeking counselling.

The op literally said anal fingering.

From your updates this man abused you in many, many ways.
I hope you're in a better place now 💐