To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

[IndigoHexagon]

Background: my DS (about to turn 20 year old) has been driving for almost a year. He had a diagnosis of adhd and autism at 18. His was delayed socially in some respects but is catching up.

We live in a very rural part of north wales very close to Snowdonia).

Not his problem, and something I have tried very hard not to let affect him, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety (I’m working on this and am heaps better). We have some terrible roads around here so night driving in particular can be a trigger for me. I don’t settle to sleep properly until I know he’s home. This isn’t too much of an issue at weekends or during school holidays but when we all need to be up for 7am, this adds to my anxiety.

he’s recently made a new friend who doesn’t drive and lives 20 miles away(a 40 minute drive on our roads). He shares my car and is spending more and more time driving her back and forth our nearest big town (so a round trip from ours to hers and to the town is 2.5hr driving).

Tonight, he has picked her up and they are now about 25 miles to the other side of the town - deep in Snowdonia. If he turns around now and took her straight home and the came home he wouldn’t get in until 230-3am.

I’m so cross with him. I have a really important meeting in the morning and a long day. He is aware that I don’t really settle until he’s home, although not aware that I barely sleep at all (like I said , my anxiety isn’t his problem).

My DH thinks we should set a midnight curfew for week nights - despite him being an adult. He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).

Would I be unreasonable to set him a curfew given it’s my car, and my sleep that’s being disrupted?

Hmm part of me thinks that it’s not fair to give a full grown adult a curfew (even if he is ND, he’s still an adult) because of your anxiety BUT if he’s using your car then it maybe seems fair.

However, moving forward, if he gets his own car, you can’t enforce a curfew then. So how would that work?

I want to say YABU because he is an adult

But I'm also up worrying about my 18 year old who isn't home yet and I don't think I can keep living like this.

I just don't think you can give a curfew to someone that age no

It isn't fair to give another adult a curfew because of your anxiety and sleep issues. What would be fair would be to set some adult to adult house rules though and ask him to message you when he sets off, or if he's staying at his girlfriend's for the night etc.

I was all set to say YABU, and I do think a lot of your post is spurious.

However, if it's your car and you need it to get to work then I think midnight is reasonable. If you don't need it for work then perhaps you could ask him to either drive back by midnight or stay over with her.

This is a bridge I know I am going to have to cross very soon - and it does worry me I won’t lie.

My DH is a lot stricter than I am in general and he’s of the mindset that while he lives with us, and is fully financially supported by us, that we are perfectly within our rights to say that the front door closes for the night at midnight ( although he didn’t say it quite as pompously as that!)

I suppose you can ask him whatever you like but he's an adult and doesn't have to obey you. I'm assuming he has a key to get in.

Him coming in at 3am waking the household when they have to be up at 7am is just disrespectful no matter how old he is.

It's your car, if he can't be respectful and be home for midnight then he can get his own car and own place to live. 20 year olds aren't children, if they can't respect their parents in the houses they live in for free and want to be independent adults then go do that.

Girlfriend needs to get herself home too.

This adult to adult idea is key, I think. He's ND, he may be with you a few years longer than average so it's important I think to evolve your relationship with him and move to a more adult to adult dynamic.

Adults do have rules between themselves. Last one to bed locks up, last one out of the house shuts the windows, no one showers before 7am. I would try to approach this from an angle of treating each other with mutual respect, so he avoids coming in too late out of consideration for you rather than because you have exerted authority over him

Just to add - she’s not his girlfriend and he doesn’t stay over - I think that would be preferable as then at least I’d know he wasn’t driving alone in the early hours on some really awful roads!

Also - I wouldn’t tell him that it was because of how my anxiety etc it causes me - like I said that’s not his problem - however, him staying out all hours does have a knock on effect for all of us - it will be even harder than usual to get him out of bed for college in the morning (and yes I know I shouldn’t be responsible for him but we live in the middle of nowhere, the closest bus stop that will get him to college is 5 miles away via a road that is unsafe to walk. He almost has enough savings to buy his own car.)

YABU, I think. It's not really about you needing the car (as presumably you don't in the middle of the night) and there's no indication that he's being noisy/rude when he comes in, so it's just about your anxiety - and I don't think it's reasonable for you to curtail his life because of that, I'm sorry :(

If you don't want him using your car at all, that's your call of course - nothing to stop you saying he can't use it. But he's 20 - he's living his life and he shoud be able to do stuff like drive around at night with his pal without your anxiety being a factor and at some point he'll have his own car and be able to drive wherever he likes and you won't be able to stop him, so I think using 'he lives under my roof' as a reason in the meantime is just delaying the real problem here, which is you wanting to control things rather than tackle the anxiety itself. (I say that as gently as possible - I have struggled badly in the past with anxiety and would seek to try and control the things that made me anxious rather than addressing the anxiety itself, but ultimately when it comes to other people doing very normal stuff that's not their problem!)

Thank you - I think this is exactly what I needed someone to say to help me calm down! And exactly the right approach with him too!

Thank you all for your comments - and rational thoughts!!

It hasn’t helped that we had a very close shave today while he was driving us home - not his fault, truck came around a bend on a very wiggly road ON OUR SIDE! I hate the road to our village at the best of times!

I agree with absolutely. I really am working on the anxiety and it’s been much better until the last couple of months. We have had some terrible road accidents around here involving young people and I'm sure you'll know what i mean when I say that those anxiety gremlins are moat active at night!

Oh I absolutely get it - especially with driving, as my anxiety flared up horribly after a (very small, nobody hurt, minimal damage) bump in my car about 3 years ago. Didn't want DH driving at night, in the rain, when the sun was low in the sky, etc etc etc etc... but ultimately I wasn't addressing the real issue. It's easy for me to think of your son in this scenario - because some of my best memories in my late teens/early 20s were sitting about in my friends' cars chatting til the wee hours! - but I totally understand how strong the urge to want to stop the percieved unsafe thing happening is. Given that you've said socially he's catching up now, though, it seems like the freedom of having a car and being able to socialise is good, so maybe there's a compromise to be had - not late enough that he's a pain for college the next day (which will mean you'll have a time frame you can hopefully live with, but giving you time to prepare for him getting his own car/potentially going off to uni!).

He's an adult so YABU to set a curfew.

If he has mornings where he's hard to get out of bed, you could encourage him to try to be home earlier at night, but you can't make him.

Re your stress, mine isn't bad like yours, ie I can fall asleep, but I sleep very lightly and frequently wake up until I know they're home safe, so my rule is for them to send me a text when they get home, so that way if I'm awake I will see it, or if I'm asleep, next time I wake, I can check my phone and see they have arrived safely and then finally sleep soundly!

I do absolutely understand how anxious you are.
Wasn't it almost a year ago that the car with some young lads in it went off the road and ended up in a flooded ditch?

That was in rural Wales, and the locals said it was a very bad stretch of road.

It has remained in my mind, as just so ghastly.

As parents we never stop worrying.

Mum's Driving instructor {She learned to drive in her Thirties } said he has three adult Daughters, and worries about them all.

Edit...I too don't think you can do a Curfew- One just has to trust to luck and good judgement on their part.

but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety

As you said, your problem not his.

As for your work meeting - would you still worry about him being out if he lived in his own place?

Parents worrying about their kids never goes away. I’m 30 years old and if my mum knows I’m doing a long drive she will always ask me to text her when im back.

Putting a curfew on an adult is crazy! It’s controlling and infantilising him.

As long as he is quiet when he returns home in the early hours, doesn’t wake you up or disturb you and remembers to lock the doors I don’t see what the issue is.

With due respect- until one is a parent of young independent adults, one has no idea about the worry.

I was oblivious to it until son started to go out as a teenager.

The roads where she is are horrible, {But let's face it, they are bad everywhere, there have been nasty accidents in every part of UK} to all ages of people.

Not a curfew but I would have a chat about potentially waking everyone up at night when he gets in.

Ironically if they go on a 'year out' working and travelling overseas, the worry lessens.

Seems to be when one is sat up in bed, listening for the squeak of the gate and the familiar key in lock sound it's worse than when they are thousands of miles away.

I literally said in my post that you quoted that: “Parents worrying about their kids never goes away”. So not sure what your point is?

Albeit I don’t have teenagers yet, but I won’t be putting a curfew on an adult child who drives because the roads are horrible. That’s insanity. I live in rural Yorkshire and have also experienced accidents and horrible country roads/the peaks.

The worry seems 'academic' when one's children are young.

It becomes much more visceral when they are actually driving around in their own, or other friend's vehicles.

I think you should tell your son how much it affects your sleep so he understands. My husband moved out as a young adult bc he knew if he came home late his mom would wait up for him. I understand it's harder to do that now. I think let him home later if you aren't working the next day.

YABU. As much as you say your anxiety isn't his problem, you are going to make if his problem by impacting life if you give him a curfew because if it. He is 20 and as long as he is quiet when he comes home, he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

As much as I sympathise with you having anxiety as it's an awful thing, this is your issue, not his.

I have a 20 year old son and I do understand worrying about them still, in fact I probably worry more now at times than when my children were young, but you have to let him live his life.