To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

[IndigoHexagon]

Background: my DS (about to turn 20 year old) has been driving for almost a year. He had a diagnosis of adhd and autism at 18. His was delayed socially in some respects but is catching up.

We live in a very rural part of north wales very close to Snowdonia).

Not his problem, and something I have tried very hard not to let affect him, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety (I’m working on this and am heaps better). We have some terrible roads around here so night driving in particular can be a trigger for me. I don’t settle to sleep properly until I know he’s home. This isn’t too much of an issue at weekends or during school holidays but when we all need to be up for 7am, this adds to my anxiety.

he’s recently made a new friend who doesn’t drive and lives 20 miles away(a 40 minute drive on our roads). He shares my car and is spending more and more time driving her back and forth our nearest big town (so a round trip from ours to hers and to the town is 2.5hr driving).

Tonight, he has picked her up and they are now about 25 miles to the other side of the town - deep in Snowdonia. If he turns around now and took her straight home and the came home he wouldn’t get in until 230-3am.

I’m so cross with him. I have a really important meeting in the morning and a long day. He is aware that I don’t really settle until he’s home, although not aware that I barely sleep at all (like I said , my anxiety isn’t his problem).

My DH thinks we should set a midnight curfew for week nights - despite him being an adult. He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).

Would I be unreasonable to set him a curfew given it’s my car, and my sleep that’s being disrupted?

I am maybe not in line with the majority here.

You can't set a curfew as such. But if adults are going to live together, and as an adult living in the home of another adults, there can be rules set down.

My 20 year old daughter now lives in her own apartment. but if she were to move back here, that would involve an agreement about certain things around the household. Like contributing to housework.

If I was a poor sleeper and she was likely to be coming in late, we'd have to address that too, frankly. I do need to go to work on poor roads myself.

It's hard when young adults don't have the option of moving out to gain their independence because of finances, and maybe even harder when they are a little immature and still need some structure. But I think it's fair to say, look kid, I'm not sleeping, and I can't do my work properly. And frankly - you are no picnic when you have been up all night either. You guys need to figure out a different time to hang out so I am not up all night weekends.

The anxiety isn't really relevant, IMO - if you are up you are up.

Another possibility - stop waking him. If he doesn't get up and he misses the bus, he misses. Maybe then he will realize he needs to get to bed on time.

@CrazyGoatLady We will have to agree to disagree, because I take a different view (and there are different psychological theories around anxiety too!) In this case I think OP should listen more to her anxiety because I believe she is underreacting to her son's behaviour, not overreacting. If she listened to her anxiety she would realise that what her son is doing IS very risky, and she might be able to talk to him about it. In your case, I would say something similar. Getting anxious at driving on motorways is absolutely realistic, because driving is one of the ways you are most likely to die. Of course, you may decide that you want to take that risk because you need to drive on a motorway for some reason that is important to you. But it would be equally valid to decide to avoid motorways because you aren't that keen on the destination anyway, or you might put in place measures that lessen the risks such as driving carefully, driving when it's less busy or taking a longer but safer route. It's about finding a way to live well with anxiety (a normal part of being human), not ignoring it, hiding it or pathologising it. If you're anxious about something and you try to ignore it, get rid of it or even worse tell yourself there's something wrong with you for feeling it, that's a sure way to escalate the anxiety off the scale. And I am wondering if this is what's happening to OP.

At first I thought you were being unreasonable given he is an adult but as it is your car I think it's perfectly reasonable to say he can only borrow it at certain times.

She texts you about her comings and goings even when she is not home?

That seems odd as a usual thing, how long do you think she will do that?

He is ND, living at home, fully funded by you & still growing up.

A curfew is not at all unreasonable but I would have an adult conversation with him as why you are doing it ( your anxiety, sleep etc) as you can do that without making it his problem.

My my DCs are early twenties so this is also something I faced. I didn't impose a curfew you just have to get over it.

However, if their late hours meant they didn't go to work or college whilst I am supporting them I'd have been furious.

I think a curfew is perfectly reasonable. Your house, your rules. It's nothing to do with anything apart from getting an uninterrupted sleep which you are entitled to especially on a weekday night!

From another perspective; my DD is 20 and at uni, and lives away. When she goes out, we ask her to text when she is in and safe and well. She does this but as it’s our choice to ask for it, we don’t get to comment on what time she is getting in. If we can’t settle while waiting for the text, that’s on us. What are you going to do when he leaveshome?
this is ridiculous, the DD probably texts on her way into a club to satisfy her controlling parents.

Yes your son is an Adult, but at the same time he is still living at home and you have the right to set rules, it is called manners and common curtesy. It is normal for you to worry especially when he is now driving and driving on country roads in the dark.

Sorry I forgot mumsnet rules are you kick your kids out at 18 and don’t care what they do after that.
Doesn’t everything around personal safety suggest you should let someone know where you are going etc? We don’t judge where she is going or what time she gets in, she just lets us know she’s home safe.
Sorry for giving a shit.

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease
There's not giving a shit and being ridiculous.
A 20 yr old adult living away from home and she's got to report back to mummy when she's home? at what age does it stop?
Highly likely she's humouring you, there's no way you know she's being truthful with you.
What would you do if she didn't check in?

I hope she is contributing to petrol too.