To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

[IndigoHexagon]

Background: my DS (about to turn 20 year old) has been driving for almost a year. He had a diagnosis of adhd and autism at 18. His was delayed socially in some respects but is catching up.

We live in a very rural part of north wales very close to Snowdonia).

Not his problem, and something I have tried very hard not to let affect him, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety (I’m working on this and am heaps better). We have some terrible roads around here so night driving in particular can be a trigger for me. I don’t settle to sleep properly until I know he’s home. This isn’t too much of an issue at weekends or during school holidays but when we all need to be up for 7am, this adds to my anxiety.

he’s recently made a new friend who doesn’t drive and lives 20 miles away(a 40 minute drive on our roads). He shares my car and is spending more and more time driving her back and forth our nearest big town (so a round trip from ours to hers and to the town is 2.5hr driving).

Tonight, he has picked her up and they are now about 25 miles to the other side of the town - deep in Snowdonia. If he turns around now and took her straight home and the came home he wouldn’t get in until 230-3am.

I’m so cross with him. I have a really important meeting in the morning and a long day. He is aware that I don’t really settle until he’s home, although not aware that I barely sleep at all (like I said , my anxiety isn’t his problem).

My DH thinks we should set a midnight curfew for week nights - despite him being an adult. He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).

Would I be unreasonable to set him a curfew given it’s my car, and my sleep that’s being disrupted?

Oh I can totally imagine.

However I still don’t think that gives means for a nighttime curfew.

You can't give an adult a curfew. But you should give the car one 😉

I think you can give your car a curfew but not your adult son.

I don't think so, when I was 23/24 I lived at home and had a week night curfew. If there was something particular I wanted to do which meant I would be home later, I'd ask permission before hand as everyone else had to be up for work etc.

There was other rules such as no cooking under the Influence of alcohol etc

I think it's reasonable and respectful.

My Dad used to say my house my rules.

No you can't give an adult a curfew because you have anxiety

You would benefit from working on the anxiety instead

Most moms worry about their kids, even when they are older. How about you tell him the truth, but instead of putting out a curfew (it really is ridiculous to do this to a 20 year old), you tell him, "Hey, I love you and I worry cause I'm your mum, when you get home, come upstairs, tap me on the shoulder and let me know you're okay. Otherwise, I won't fall asleep as I worry."

Could you train yourself to go to sleep with the knowledge that he's going to gently and quietly tell you when he's home? This is what I did w/ my daughter and it helped a lot. She really did wake me gently, and I'd go back to sleep, plus she knew that my love for her was driving my need to know she was okay.

Ironically if they go on a 'year out' working and travelling overseas, the worry lessens.

This is so true! My oldest is an ocean away right now, but when she was home, I was far more sensitive to her comings and goings and if she was okay if it was a late night.

It's totally up to you to not be happy to loan your car during the week as you need it early for work. I would say weekends only unless he pops to the nearest shop for some snacks. My young adults borrowed my car at that age but no way would l have them driving around for hours in it midweek. And l sleep well and don't get anxious. My ds has ADHD too and one thing you will find is they always up the ante! So you kindly share the car and now they are up and off for hours . Pull back on the car. You are perfectly entitled to do that and he is pushing it going so far on a week night. Hopefully he is paying for the petrol. Just know, in my experience, those with ADHD will always need to be reined in.
With ours l left a light on in the hall and when they got in they turned that off. If l woke up l would know then they were in.
So no curfew for him but now Winter is approaching its a good time to restrict the car.

Also he may be a bit immature for his age so it's more like reining in a 17 year old.

Hmm. I think the anxiety is something you need to deal with yourself and try to separate it out from the rest.

That said, he’s an adult (albeit a bit “behind” on some metrics) so I’d focus on gradually handing him more adult responsibilities and expectations - those responsibilities and expectations will also come with more control and freedom for him. Right now he’s getting the freedom of an adult without being expected to think through decisions like an adult, and that’s not doing anyone any good.

How is he paying for petrol for all these trips? If you and DH are funding all this limitless driving, start tapering that down. Track your mileage and total mileage and figure out a petrol contribution for him to make based on how much he’s driving your car recreationally. Make sure to explain the calculations, including giving him an example of the cost of one of these long round trips.

Getting himself up on time in the morning is how he can earn the freedom to stay out as late as he thinks is wise. Set a structure for this that feels approachable for him at his current level where the consequences are impactful but not overly severe or long-lasting. So at first there might be a time of the morning that he needs to be downstairs having breakfast (set a time that allows for you to still get him to college on time if he oversleeps and has to speed dress) and if he does that all week he’s curfew-free the next night. But if he has to be woken or prodded along in the morning then he needs to be home by midnight that night. Once he’s steady with that you might make the curfew later but expect him to go all week getting up on his own or have a curfew the whole week after, so he’s getting more freedom but the “landing“ is getting gradually less soft if he errs.

And of course I’d expect an adult to be contributing significantly to the running of the home if they want to borrow your car, and to do it with decreasing reminding and monitoring on your part.

It’s not about making him so miserable he wants to leave or trying to keep him under your control forever, it’s about setting up a scaffold of coupled responsibilities and freedoms that are gradually getting him closer to being able to live successfully outside of your home.

Bruise roads are awful at 9pm when it is dark, the tone makes no difference.

YABU.

I would think it's better to tell him about you being anxious and not sleeping and asking him to help by being home at a reasonable time when you have work. As it's your car etc I don't think that's too much to ask. You aren't imposing a curfew just asking him to be aware of the impact on others while he's living at home etc. You aren't the only parent that worries about this kind of thing. You dont need to go into detail about your thoughts. I came on to say get a grip OP, but after reading the detail about where you live and the roads etc I think he needs to be aware of the impact on others .

Don’t type without glasses on!

those roads are awful at 9pm when it’s dark, the time makes no difference.

YABU

If he has a curfew, won't he be hurrying to get home and therefore more at risk on the road?

This is so intrusive but could you ask him if it’s ok to use family location app to make you feel better and not give him a curfew (and work on your anxiety). I do think curfews for adults are unreasonable. Mines nowhere near a teen but I know I’m going to struggle with not knowing where she is and if she’s safe when she’s older.

I don’t think it’s fair on him really to be curtailed by your feelings of anxiety tbh. I do sympathise because I doubt I would be able to sleep until my DC was in their own bed but still I would try not to out that on them.

I agree with @oakleaffy and until you are at this stage you have no idea what you'd do.

I would never have imagined I would be a person that was sat up at 1am waiting to hear the lock.

The worry is linked to knowing he is coming home. For me it is almost physical, my body is waiting to hear the key, and I don't worry in the same way when he is staying at friends. So @oakleaffy I can believe that it isn't as bad if they travel.

You can't give him a curfew but you can tell him he's not to use your car after a certain time.

I think as long as he is living at home he follows your lead. I have had similar with my DS just this last week. I think it's good for young adults to learn some consideration for the rest of the household.

He's an adult but he is living in OP's home and using her car. She needs to get a good night's sleep and use the car to keep the roof over his head so he needs to be respectful and be home at a reasonable time on working days.

Is this friend learning to drive any time soon? 2.5 hours driving every few days is a lot of wear and tear on the car.

Honestly I’d just talk to him a bit like you have to us, explain how anxious you get and come up with some ideas together- he could send you a text when he arrives or leaves and let you know if his plans change etc- what will work for you both will depend on the circumstances. At 20 he can help you solve the problem- he’s not the problem to be solved.

I don't know, normally I'd say you can't give another adult a curfew but I have a son with ADHD (and autism, although it'd be the adhd that's more problematic in this situation) and the stats for young men driving accidents, especially with friends, are scary (probably better with a female friend mind). I don't think your anxiety is irrational (I also was raised in rural wales and accidents amongst friends were COMMON, thankfully not serious).

I think I'd have discussion about your concerns, the fact you share a car, and see if you can get to some mutual agreement rather than dictating a curfew.

Can you limit the nights he uses your car for a bit? It's your car at the end of the day. And is he paying any money towards it? Driving around for hours on end isn't free.

Also he's at college, not unreasonable to suggest he's back at a reasonable hour in order to get to college on time.

To be honest part of me is wondering about this "friend" and if they're taking the piss. What would happen if they had to use public transport more to meet up?

I think this is a rite of passage. For the first couple of years after dd passed her test I'd not be able to sleep until she came home, but I don't worry so much now. You might find the same when more time has passed?

I'd focus on how good it is for ds to be out and having a social life and using his life skill of driving.

Why aren't you sleeping at all? What help have you had with this? I'd focus on sorting this out, as this is not ds's fault, as you say.

There's two issues here. One is your anxiety, which is not a reasonable grounds for imposing a curfew on an adult, as that's your issue and not his. As other posters have said, he will get his own car at some point and probably move out, and you'll need to deal.

The second issue is that he's using your car, which you need for work, and he's living in a household of working age adults, so waking people up at 2-3:30am when they have to be up early for work and when the being out late is non essential (ie he's not a shift worker, which would be different) is inconsiderate. It would also be inconsiderate if he had housemates. However, his work schedule is different to yours, so there is a reality here around you all needing to look at compromise. A midnight curfew every weeknight when he works at weekends effectively means he won't see his friend much, and if he's struggled making friends or with his social life that may need to be a factor in the decision.

He's ND, so he may need some context and an explanation of how what he is doing affects others, as he may not join the dots in the same way. I would suggest involving him in solving the problem and framing it neutrally, because the problem here is your needs and schedule as a full time 9-5 working adult and his needs as a student working part time at weekends are different. How can you solve that problem together?

Don't make it about curtailing his freedom because you can't cope with the anxiety of him being out, make it about the realities of sharing a roof and shared resources as adults, the responsibilities you have to each other and the need for compromise.