To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

[IndigoHexagon]

Background: my DS (about to turn 20 year old) has been driving for almost a year. He had a diagnosis of adhd and autism at 18. His was delayed socially in some respects but is catching up.

We live in a very rural part of north wales very close to Snowdonia).

Not his problem, and something I have tried very hard not to let affect him, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety (I’m working on this and am heaps better). We have some terrible roads around here so night driving in particular can be a trigger for me. I don’t settle to sleep properly until I know he’s home. This isn’t too much of an issue at weekends or during school holidays but when we all need to be up for 7am, this adds to my anxiety.

he’s recently made a new friend who doesn’t drive and lives 20 miles away(a 40 minute drive on our roads). He shares my car and is spending more and more time driving her back and forth our nearest big town (so a round trip from ours to hers and to the town is 2.5hr driving).

Tonight, he has picked her up and they are now about 25 miles to the other side of the town - deep in Snowdonia. If he turns around now and took her straight home and the came home he wouldn’t get in until 230-3am.

I’m so cross with him. I have a really important meeting in the morning and a long day. He is aware that I don’t really settle until he’s home, although not aware that I barely sleep at all (like I said , my anxiety isn’t his problem).

My DH thinks we should set a midnight curfew for week nights - despite him being an adult. He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).

Would I be unreasonable to set him a curfew given it’s my car, and my sleep that’s being disrupted?

No I think it would be completely unreasonable sorry. Assuming he is driving sensibly and paying for fuel of course.
You need to work on your issues because it's not his fault you're anxious.
And btw I live near Snowdonia too so I know what the roads are like but if he is not speeding and not driving in snow/heavy rain then there's no reason not to drive at night.

He's an adult. You have to let him go. Your anxiety is your problem not his.

If the car is yours, you could reasonably ask him to get his own car rather than pile the miles on to yours, but limiting your adult son's social life because you worry is really not on.

You can buy them without black box insurance, they are about £5per month

Try having dc in the military on 48 hour standby!

I worry about my husband much more when he's driving than I do when he's deployed. Statistically, much more likely to get harmed driving, he's sadly had 3 deaths from his base in about an 18 month period from driving, none from deployment. I don't think it helps to try to minimise someone's worries with unrelated examples.

He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).
How is he engaging with college when he only sleeps a few hours each night. He is also adding up the miles on your car OP. Tell him no more giving lifts as it's your car. He can take women home when he owns his own car ideally in his own home?

I think it's interesting that people say op's anxiety is not her son's issue. When people live together they impact each other and it's good to be open about everyone's feelings and discuss ways to navigate the situation so that everyone is taken into account. The idea of one person in a relationship (any kind of relationship) having to completely hide their feelings so that the other person can do whatever they want with no thought or idea of their impact on others is not helpful or healthy. No wonder op's anxiety is so high if it can't be expressed and acknowledged. Also it's good for young people to learn how they impact others and take that into account. I don't think the curfew is a good idea because that's just the opposite of not saying anything - a prioritisation of one person's needs over the other - nor is it a good idea to just ban use of the car because again it is just an exertion of authority. I think an open and honest conversation is needed and see what emerges and whether some solutions can be reached that everyone is happy with.

@Owly11 indeed. I would also struggle with the comings and goings in the early hours of the morning on a work night, that would disturb my sleep. I own my house, I have not signed up for inconsiderate adult roommates, so there does need to be some expectations of courtesy, the son is an adult, and north wales is not expensive, if he wants to continue to benefit from living at home, he should be mindful of the people he lives with.

I agree with @Owly11 also.

In a group people should try and be considerate of each other. At the moment, the son is the boss. He get's to use OP's car free of charge adding miles to it, he is being housed and fed but not giving his college course his best. You can't study and learn effectively if you run on 4 hours sleep every night. And what about OP's job? She own't be able to sustain working on little sleep yet she is the one financing her son. In the longer run, she'll get health issues form the stress and sleep deprivation. The responses on the thread show us what an individualistic society we live in. If yo want independence, move our and fend for yourself. I lived in flat shares throughout my 20s, so for over ten years, I had to be considerate of groups of people to make it work. I have some amazing friends from his time and also some bizarre stories to share. OP's son also has ADHD and ASD, he is a vulnerable adult. ADHD makes you more prone to risk taking and ASD to being rigid about things.

It's got to be a bit of give and take. On weekends, he can come home whenever, but during the week, he needs to be mindful of the his family's needs and feelings. Young adults are not babies, they can understand that they are not the centre of the universe. If OP's ds wants to live in a more populated area, he can move. If he needs special support due to his complex disabilities he will need to try and come to an arrangement with his family who are currently taking care of him.

Both my children (early 20’s) Know I’m not a great sleeper and don’t sleep properly until they are home, we have no normal curfew if they are out but I do ask out of respect if they are using my car to be home by midnight which is respected. Dd does work in hospitality and sometimes doesn’t get home until 3pm but does text me when she is leaving so I know when to expect her home.

Set up Find My (iPhone) or similar so you can check where he is if you are worried.

@poppyzbrite4

of course he does whilst he lives at home, parents make the rules (adult) children live by them or move out.

No he doesn't,as he's an adult. He doesn't have to take instructions from his parents but yes he can of course move out.

No he doesn't,as he's an adult. He doesn't have to take instructions from his parents but yes he can of course move out

He's an adult so he can move out and buy his own car then? I assume he is relatively comfortable having other people provide his accommodation and transportation so one would hope as a grown adult he will also have the maturity to discuss the matter with his mum to come to some kind of compromise. You know, like adults do.

What compromise? He's not doing anything wrong. He's borrowing his mum's car with her permission and getting home late.

Sorry but no. Hes a grown adult and it's not his problem that you have anxiety.

He's an adult, so no. Uou shouldn't be making a curfew for him just so you feel better.
Hopefully he will have sense and mive out because you sound very suffocating.

What compromise? He's not doing anything wrong. He's borrowing his mum's car with her permission and getting home late.

No one has said he's doing anything "wrong" why are you talking like a 5 year old? Lots of annoying habits aren't wrong or inherently bad, they won't be annoying to some people, but when you are an adult living with other adults you find a way to cohesively live together. If the OP is stressed about the late nights and driving she could just ban him from her car, she isn't doing that, instead they could agree to minimise the distress to the mum, but enable him still to benefit from her favour (it's a favour after all) that they perhaps agree he'll be back by midnight. It's just what adults do? If you love and care for someone you discuss it, you work out a way through it together, there is no need to be petulant about it.

If he's living at home and using your car I think you're within your rights. I'm 20, but I don't live at home and I have my own car(s) so obviously my parents couldn't enforce a curfew.

It sounds like he's racking up a lot of milage and you're covering the cost. Is the friend taking advantage do you think?

I haven't rtht but I would put a curfew on your car rather than your son. So it's the car that has to be back at midnight. It allows him to be out late if he gets another form of transport or buys his own car (he pays for insurance/tax/service/mot/fuel) but if he wants to continue using your car then it's back by midnight.

Adult to adult chat.
explain to him that your issues and try to come up with an agreement together

Aren't you a delight.

This is a good response, I think. It’s a difficult one, but he does need to show more respect than he is.

The 'he's an adult, so you can't give him a curfew' argument is very black and white and doesn't really capture what it's like to live with your child who is now 18+.

Yes he's a legal adult, but he's not a fully realised independent adult yet. You support him financially and take on at least some of the responsibilities an adult would have - you get him out of bed when he's had a late night. I'm sure there'll be other examples of what you do for him too. There's nothing wrong with it, you're his mum, but it's wrong to say that he is 'adulting' at the same level as someone living
away from their parents.

And of course you worry about him, that's totally understandable, you'd worry even if you didn't have anxiety or even if the roads were better. Equally imagine if he wasn't living with you. You wouldn't know what time he came home, or if he was out or not. He'd fill you in on his life when you spoke on the phone every week or whatever. It would be easier not to worry about him.

You need to find that inbetween space for now where you both accept that you're in a transition. Have a chat and explain your feelings. And they are normal feelings than non-anxious people have too (yours might be stronger and more overwhelming for you, but the basic feeling is true for every single mother and you're allowed to have them and allowed to tell him without needing to share the full extent of your anxiety and 'making it his problem'.)

You can let him know that mums worry about their kids, and that's a normal thing they'll do untill the day they die, but that you also understand his need for freedom and then find a way forward together.

This is a sensible approach. Also talk to him about carbon footprint. It sounds wasteful to be driving around for miles and miles, hours and hours. Here is a calculator you can use. https://calculator.carbonfootprint.com/calculator.aspx?tab=4 Are his friends welcome to come to yours? Or is he always doing the driving?