To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

[IndigoHexagon]

Background: my DS (about to turn 20 year old) has been driving for almost a year. He had a diagnosis of adhd and autism at 18. His was delayed socially in some respects but is catching up.

We live in a very rural part of north wales very close to Snowdonia).

Not his problem, and something I have tried very hard not to let affect him, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety (I’m working on this and am heaps better). We have some terrible roads around here so night driving in particular can be a trigger for me. I don’t settle to sleep properly until I know he’s home. This isn’t too much of an issue at weekends or during school holidays but when we all need to be up for 7am, this adds to my anxiety.

he’s recently made a new friend who doesn’t drive and lives 20 miles away(a 40 minute drive on our roads). He shares my car and is spending more and more time driving her back and forth our nearest big town (so a round trip from ours to hers and to the town is 2.5hr driving).

Tonight, he has picked her up and they are now about 25 miles to the other side of the town - deep in Snowdonia. If he turns around now and took her straight home and the came home he wouldn’t get in until 230-3am.

I’m so cross with him. I have a really important meeting in the morning and a long day. He is aware that I don’t really settle until he’s home, although not aware that I barely sleep at all (like I said , my anxiety isn’t his problem).

My DH thinks we should set a midnight curfew for week nights - despite him being an adult. He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).

Would I be unreasonable to set him a curfew given it’s my car, and my sleep that’s being disrupted?

I’ve just spent some time reading through all your replies and I want to say thank you to each of you, especially those of you who offered helpful and constructive advice, and shared your own view points.

To answer a few questions -

yes, I do think he’s being taken advantage of. He met this girl via a friend around the beginning of the year and it transpired that they were going the same college course this year. She had a failing out with the mutal friend and my ds didn’t hear from her then until the end of the summer when she got in contact about their course. The buses around here are awful and I doubt they would spend any time together socially if neither of them drove. She does offer him petrol money but I’m not convinced she ever hands it over. Before anyone tells me awful for thinking this - I say none of this to him - I encourage him to have friendships even if they are not the ones I’d choose for him!

He does contribute to fuel, probably not as much as he uses. He does run errands for me in the car (picking up younger brother) which is kind of in return for borrowing tte car. this isn’t every night bye, maybe once a week on weeknights and once a weekend night - he is normally really sensible about recognising when he needs to get enough sleep - weeknight occurrences have only been an issue since this new friendship.

To make it clear - he has NO idea about how anxious I get when he’s out and about or that I don’t settle (insomnia for years - not due to this but peri-menopause and other life stuff, this has just caused it to flair!) and I won’t tell him because I will not allow it to impact how he lives his life. We have a good relationship - and to reassure a previous poster - I am definitely not smothering. I’m no helicopter parent, I don’t fuss - to him - about where he is or what he’s doing. Believe me, if I was suffocating he’d know exactly how I really felt about his coastal paddle boarding, his ‘tombstoning’, his climbing and all the other activities that my overactive imagination does it’s best to convince me are super dangerous and will kill him. I have never, and will never, prevent him from living his life and having fun just because his activities cause me anxiety.

last night I was anxious, the weather was awful, and I didn’t know until then where he was. For those of you who suggested an app like find my iPhone - he actually suggested this a while ago just so we all know where each other are - it’s a mixed blessing. For anyone that knows the area will tell you, the mobile signals here are really patchy! So seeing his little icon not moving half way up a country road on a mountain side really doesn’t help - so I don’t use it (his dad will check now and again, but if I had it, I think I’d be too intrusive and I respect his privacy too much to risk overstepping).

As a pp mentioned, it’s not to long since a group of young lads lost their lives to a tragic accident driving in Snowdonia at night - the weather and road conditions weren’t particularly bad, it was just an awful awful accident. It took song long to find them because they couldn’t get a lock on the phone signals.

I do appreciate the advice of those who suggested approaching this from the perspective of how disruptive it can be to others - I’m going to have a chat - adult to adult - with him about this when the opportunity arises (he is actual quite quiet when he comes in and we have a ‘cough’ signal! lol) but he does wake his brother on occasion when he uses the bathroom. Everything seems so much louder in a silent house, doesn’t it?

im going to look into some of the suggested techniques and counselling that some posters have mentioned, thank you.

Finally, he got home about 3:15am last night, and on getting up this morning he offered the information that it took so long because he kept pulling over whenever the rain got so heavy that he felt his visibility was being affected. So he is a sensible lad, and I do trust him, I just need to convince those anxiety demons of that!

thanks all xx

It's not unexpressed. OP said her son knows she is worried. But she is trying not to project it on to him. Which is the right thing to do.

The problem when you as an adult give into another adult's anxiety by not doing something you want to do (that is reasonable, age appropriate and legal of course) is that you then do become responsible for their feelings and it becomes up to you to regulate them by not doing things that provoke their anxiety, instead of it being their responsibility to regulate themselves. Which when you are an adult, it is.

It sounds like there wouldn't actually be much OP's son could do that would alleviate his mum's excessive anxiety about his safety, other than never go out in the car, which she knows isn't reasonable or fair. So there isn't actually much solving this aspect of it by talking.

Ah OP. I understand and I’m not looking forward to this phase.

It’s not ideal him driving home at 3am in bad weather conditions on those roads. Is there no way he could just kip over on the sofa?! I get they are not a couple but it would be easier all round. Then up and out when it’s light at 7am?

Other than that, an adult to adult chat about how it’s disturbing your sleep may be the only way forward. He doesn’t really need to be there that late so could head home earlier. Or stay over. Those would be my suggestions.

He is not waking the house. Op's anxiety is keeping her awake.

And I agree about the tracking apps- mine always had my son in the river or in the middle of a main road. I was convinced they’d drowned or were run over. I don’t use them now! They are not accurate!

The best thing for both of you would be for him to move out of your home and into one of his own, or one he would share with others. Then if he goes out late at night, you'll be none the wiser.

But this isn't realistic is it? There is no affordable housing.

Op I thought your update was honest and a realistic description of living with children that are now adults. I think you are doing great.

@CrazyGoatLady I suppose I am a big believer in listening to anxiety. What op's son is doing is risky, not good for his own work and health and he is potentially being taken advantage of by this girl. It's absolutely normal and understandable to be very anxious in this situation. In addition the son is disturbing the household. If my partner was doing this I would definitely be talking about it with them. Not to try and control it but to try and air my feelings and thoughts and to talk it through. In my own experience if you try to suppress/hide/not listen to any feeling, including anxiety, it wreaks more havoc on yourself and others than if you just express it and talk it through. Maybe the son is anxious too but he's learnt from Op to not listen to it and ignore it.

So, he isn't disturbing the house when he's comes in, he's careful about his driving, he contributes to fuel, and he does family errands in return for access to the car.

OP your anxiety is totally your issue. You need beta blockers and therapy to get on top of it.

It's completely unreasonable to give him a curfew! He's an adult who is not disturbing anyone when he comes in.

I say this as an autistic adult who gets anxiety so I see both sides.

I notice you're only really resounding to the people validating you, but please consider other viewpoints.

Is there not? Anywhere? How about a flatshare?

He is in full time college, how are you expecting him to pay for it?

Well, his parents could help? I don't understand the mentality of promoting individual freedom without individual responsibility. As a family, surely they can make this work. How can he be up and about driving on dark country lanes until 3am and then go to college the next day, every day, every week? Not sure the young many will do that well a college at this rate. Alternatively, if he loves driving and prioritises it above all else, perhaps he should skip college and uni and become a taxi, bus or lorry driver? He could the move out too.

Completely understand your anxiety (I have terrible anxiety myself) but I think you'd be incredibly unreasonable to give him a curfew because of it. You need to get help with your anxiety, it isn't fair to your son.

I’ve thought long and hard about this thread in the light of 63% of respondents thinking that the OP is being unreasonable. They are wrong. The fact that her DS is legally an adult is actually irrelevant. Three people in the household need to be up at 7 am, yet he’s coming home in the early hours of the morning. He needs to stick to an 11 pm curfew during the week. As for the suggestion that the OP should take beta blockers to help her cope, that’s an outrageous suggestion.

Oh I’ve absolutely taken in board the other viewpoints - there will be no curfew and I will not make my anxiety his problem. I want to speak to a counsellor before I open up to him - IF there is a solid reason to do other than purely to benefit me!

I'm not surprised you are anxious about him with his range of activities and it would make me think he has a high tolerance for risk, therefore decisions about driving might not be that conservative. I'd restrict the use of the car actually. There is a reason why some car insurances are only for set hours.

no , unless he is mentally younger ( not socially) then no. You can’t legally anyway, he’s over 18. Your anxiety, is your problem not his. He is an adult. You are being controlling even if not trying to be.

I'm getting over invested in this. It's not his car to clock loads of miles up on and drive others around in like a taxi service and be driving in the early hours for someone else's convenience when the working people can't settle to sleep. It's not curfew,it's living together as a family and respecting the privilege of a car to use.

It's not outrageous. Beta blockers are a standard anxiety treatment that work, especially alongside talking therapy. I'm suggesting the op gets a grip on her anxiety because it's clearly affecting her life and that of others. Anxiety especially at this level is not normal and needs treating.

@Owly11 I hear you and agree about expressing feelings and listening to your gut, but only up to a point. I'm trained as a psychologist and we absolutely do not take the view that every anxious thought is worth taking seriously. I think it is worth OP chatting to him about boundaries regarding friends providing petrol money and not taking the piss, especially if he is driving in non-ideal weather conditions to help out this friend.

I'm autistic with ADHD, and if I listened to every anxiety my brain came up with I would never do anything at all. I wouldn't drive on motorways, for example, or at night, as I was terrified of that when I learned to drive. The anxious thoughts still arise when I do those things, but I manage them. I absolutely did need to learn not to listen to anxiety to the degree that I was doing at one point. Other people also did not need to listen to them over and over again - there was nothing they could say that would help, and there comes a point where it's just frustrating for others. The only person who could deal with it was me.

I also didn't have a choice but to deal with it, with two DC with SEN that I had to advocate for, who I knew would grow up to have a similarly wired brain. They needed to see it was possible to live your life despite the challenges that come with the neurospice.

It sounds like OP's DS is actually quite a sensible lad who does mind safety, as she described above he pulled over in heavy rain/poor visibility. This is exactly how I hope my DS's will be when they start driving.

We have a curfew, 11pm weekdays as we all have to be up for work and uni. It goes for all of us out of respect and works really well.
Weekends are do what you like. I have an 18 and 20 year old

From another perspective; my DD is 20 and at uni, and lives away. When she goes out, we ask her to text when she is in and safe and well. She does this but as it’s our choice to ask for it, we don’t get to comment on what time she is getting in. If we can’t settle while waiting for the text, that’s on us.
What are you going to do when he leaves home?

psst..... this is way too reasonable for MN. Such common sense has no business on these threads 😂

Would you set a curfew for any other adult living in your house? Eg if your sister or your mother were living with you?
honestly you can’t set a curfew for an adult.

Once he’s at uni’/ moves out, you won’t have a clue where he is or at what time.
You should be enjoying your last few months with him at home, not becoming a drain on his freedom.
As you say, your anxiety is YOUR problem, not his.