Bisexual Awareness Month

[InPulaCuSatelitul]

Apparently we’re celebrating this at work, which seems to consist of endless blogs about being bisexual and being “visible.” Fine, no problem with that, but why do I need to know in the workplace? Does it affect how they do their job?

I’m not being goady, I genuinely don’t see why I need to know.

I’m a bisexual woman in my late thirties and I think biphobia is a real, serious, and sometimes very hurtful and isolating thing. I’m not a fan of any kind of “awareness” stuff or identity-based events in the workplace.

But if those events are going to exist, I think bisexual people deserve them as much as anyone else does. If workplaces want to lecture about Islamophobia or trans rights or whatever else, then I’m glad bisexual awareness is included.

Frankly, I object to being told to grow a thicker skin.

My skin is plenty thick enough, as demonstrated by the fact that I don't outwardly react to or confront people who make assumptions about me despite it being a constant minor irritant across my adult life. I'd still like it to stop though, and I think there are better ways to go about trying to stop it than me throwing a tantrum or challenging people. Especially since that will inevitably lead to the accusations of being a special snowflake, making a scene, "nobody cares anyway", etc etc

Its self-indulgent navel-gazing. We cannot go around constantly validating and cheering perfectly ordinary, run of the mill variations in society. Healthy, well-developed adults do not crave such attentions. People feeling the need of such things I would advise they invest more in their hobbies etc, your sexuality shouldn't be the defining feature of who you are.

I hope you don’t mind me jumping in? From my experience it feels very much like having to “come out” every time you start a new job or meet somebody new. I don’t look like a “stereotypical” gay woman so people always ask me about my husband. I know no one is doing this deliberately to make me feel awkward but it becomes tiresome always having to correct people. I have also worked at places where people would make openly homophobic comments not knowing I was gay and this made me censor my life out at work. Imagine never being able to tell people who you were going on holiday with or what you did at the weekend or where you’re going tonight?

I do understand why people eye roll when they hear of another week or day they have to “celebrate” and that’s why this kind of thing loses its impact. We should just be able to live and work in an environment where everyone accepts people are different and they don’t assume but I don’t know how you create that culture without first highlighting differences exist?

As I've explained over and over, it's nothing to do with "craving attention".

I'd get plenty of that, if it was what I wanted, by actually correcting people who make lazy assumptions about me to my face.

Well congratulations. The educational efforts aren't aimed at you, and you can pretty much ignore them. The point is to get it to click with the people who either do consciously treat people differently, or perhaps spur those who lack awareness and make assumptions to think a bit more before they open their mouths.

I can understand that. Given the way that bisexuality has been historically ignored, though, I guess I’d rather have people be sick of hearing about it than live in a society where people act like it doesn’t exist.

Object away, but it’s you who will be negatively impacted, no one else. Personally I think challenging these views (in person) with humour is the best approach.

The people saying they have experienced prejudice for their bisexuality. Of course I am sorry to hear that but have they stopped to think that absolutely everyone gets shit from people at some point in the work place? For being very young/green, old, fat, unattractive, too attractive, a different colour, neurodiverse, their religion, their sex, shyness/introversion, mental health, disability, embaressing medical issues, the wrong class, wrong accent, wrong clothes/aesthetic, a different nationality, where they were educated, no kids/too many kids, perhaps your face just doesn't fit. I've had many life made fairly hellish a few times over my career, if it's bad then report it, if it's minor or not meant to be personally offensive then it really is best to just brush it off. I do think people are too sensitive these days.

Of course not, Combattingthemoaners, thanks for explaining how it is for you. The 'coming out' with every new job must be an absolute bind as is the assumption that you have a husband. It shouldn't be this way. I'm probably unaware of what workplaces are generally like now as I've been in the same job for 15 years. Mine is diverse, it's international and hearing of same sex relationships doesn't have impact at all; it's not the same elsewhere. I worked for several councils before my current job and that is full of managers who are white, middle-aged men - and bigoted as they come.

I know that people do make comments because I get told by the person commented on and it's shocking. I had a black colleague who told me that she was groped on the tube and it impacted her so badly that she left the job. As a female (white), I was used to getting groped by grim men but had no idea of the difference for a black woman and was ashamed that I tried to reassure her.

I think the sooner that people can feel confident and accepted in their conversations, the better. You absolutely should be able to talk about your homelife without people making assumptions or horrible comments and why the hell should you feel that you can't talk about this? I don't know what the answer is.

I don't know what the answer is to the 'celebration' days or weeks is either? When it doesn't affect you, it doesn't necessarily register but it should, I get that. Nobody should feel stifled and perhaps hetero-normal should be a standard to which every other should rise up to and be supported until it is itself, the standard?

I'm not explaining well but I do hear what you're saying and I'm sorry that things are as difficult as they are.

I'm unsure why you think I would be "negatively impacted" by refusing to grow a thicker skin. As I explained, I already shrug individual comments off, because one individual comment is not in itself particularly jarring. It's the disheartening effect of having it happen repeatedly, over and over, across a significant period of years, and the fact it hasn't really let up any in this supposedly enlightened 2020's era where there is no more requirement for education.

So tell me, how will me shrugging this off even harder by growing an even thicker skin lead to other people no longer making these sorts of assumptions? Surely that will do nothing at all and it will just continue.

And again, people who do challenge it directly are usually perceived as the thin-skinned ones who are just looking to take offence at everything so they can create a scene, and they are invariably told to get over themselves and grow a thicker skin. 😂

It's really important IMO.

It offers insight into the company culture and that if you are Bi you should feel that if you want to talk about your girlfriend/boyfriend both, that the company will not tolerate harassment or discrimination. Its about telling line managers clearly what the company stance is and reinforcing their responsibility to take "jokes" or "banter" seriously, and that they will be culpable if they don't.

I should be able to talk about my weekend plans with my girlfriend without people then asking questions about my sex life. I should be able to say "by the way I'm bisexual" without people asking questions about my personal life too.

E.g. "Bi is just being greedy" or "lesbians that haven't come out yet".

I appreciate you are not asking me directly, but I've never "come out" at any stage of my life or in any setting, including work, because I never hid my bisexuality in the first place, and yet I've still been on the receiving end of much the same comments. I didn't invite them, it's a consequence of people knowing that I was formerly in a relationship with a man, and then later discovering I was in a relationship with a woman, and jumping to conclusions.

I said negatively impacted, because it very much sounds like you are, maybe I’m wrong?
How often is this happening? I’m 44, I could probably count on two hands the number of comments I’ve had. One was a very good friend of mine, she used to tell me, fairly lightheartedly, that I was greedy, and should pick one or the other. I could have found that upsetting I guess, but I knew that was not her intention, she just couldn’t get it, and that’s ok, so I’d just joke back and we’d both laugh about it. But even with her, she only raised it a few times over maybe 10 years, she didn’t treat me any different or make any outright offensive comments.

My point about growing a thicker skin though is not to stop others making these comments, that’s the whole purpose, you can’t stop them, dickheads will always exist, all you can do is manage your reaction, and by that I don’t just mean external reaction, but internal too. If someone is making a comment with the intention of being offensive, then these month long ‘celebrations’ aren’t going to change them, and if someone is not trying to be offensive, then they’re probably open to listening. No one likes to be told they’re wrong though or preached to, which is why I think a how we approach it, matters.

In my experience, gently challenging ignorant comments with humour, actually gets a pretty positive reaction, it’s persisted whining that leads to accusations of being a snowflake etc.

You explain it very well! Thank you for taking the time to reply and thanks for understanding.

Do you not talk about your partner/husband/wife at work?

Yeah, the idea that people are announcing their sexuality at work is laughable. That's not what's happening. In most offices with core staff you just get to know each other after a while. My colleagues know my family set up, and I know theirs (how many kids, rough ages, if they have partners, partner's jobs).

Here's an example from an old workplace. A colleague was married to a man, got divorced. Started dating a woman after a year or so, a few years later they broke up. Then she started dating a man. All pretty standard, she didn't talk about her sexuality or her dating life really. People knew about the divorce because at the time it was upsetting and involved split childcare. People knew about the other people she was dating when the relationships were established enough for work socials.

Anyway, you should have heard some of the comments from male colleagues. Funnily enough no one commented when she started dating a woman, but all seemed to think it was hilarious when she started dating the man. Loads of laughing and "oh so she's changed her mind again has she", "god she just can't choose can she". The implication and tone was that she was just being silly. It was really weird. Almost like because they couldn't imagine being attracted to both sexes, they assume that she was just switching her own preferences rather than genuinely being attracted to both.

We've had sessions at work on "being an ally" of Asexual and Aromantic people (along with the rest of the alphabet soup).

Mind you, I work for a Local Authority where one of my colleagues got dragged through the mud for refusing to recognise that another colleague's dog is gender fluid (spoiler alert. It's not gender fluid, it's a dog).

I think this sums up how I feel as well. If you're heterosexual, you never have to think about or worry about this sort of thing. But I feel like I'm constantly facing this issue when I make new friends or meet new people where I have to choose between 'coming out' to them (and worrying about when and how would be appropriate), or deliberately withholding that part of my life from them, which feels dishonest and also means that I have to consciously withhold information from them/be careful what I say/what stories I tell/who I talk about, and so on.

Deciding the 'come out' to someone means the worry of when and how and worrying what their reaction will be. NOT coming out to them means feeling like I can never bond with them, or have an honest and real relationship. In this instance, it can be really little things that make you feel really isolated. I recall one time when my colleagues were laughing and bonding over who their first crushes were, and I had a panic between telling the truth or making something up or just pretending I couldn't remember. It's having to be on guard.

I have lost friends who I have 'come out' too - not long ago, a whole group. This was because they'd found out I was bisexual when I was with a man (who they were also friends with) and they were horrified and thought I was untrustworthy/promiscuous/would cheat/was secretly a lesbian, etc. I've also upset people by not telling them - a colleague of mine who became quite a good friend (daily lunches etc) but I'd just not felt comfortable to bring it up due to not knowing if it was okay or appropriate or not. She was really hurt when she found out after knowing me for ages, as I'd hidden an important part of myself from her, and she'd been open with me about her life.

I just feel like some kind of workplace activity like this would have made it much easier. Making it feel like a safe environment, making it feel like it WAS appropriate and okay to be open if I wanted to, making it feel like it wasn't something I needed to hide if I didn't want to.

Again, it's just nice to feel safe to share parts of yourself. And hasn't this thread shown why some people don't feel safe or confident to talk about being bisexual? Look at some of the comments!

At work?
Shouldn't you be actually doing, you know, work rather than "sharing experiences"
Surely everyone just turns up, does their job, maybe has a nice chat about what they are up to at the weekend - no need to know who does/doesn't like a bit of Cock

I've absolutely never, in all my life, had a workplace where colleagues didn't share and discuss aspects of their lives, and bond, and become friends (with at least SOME people!) and acquaintances with others. We spend so much of our day in the workplace. We see our colleagues more than our own families most days. Having to hide an aspect of yourself for 9 hours a day is exhausting. I chat with my colleagues about all sorts of things, I don't think it's unusual to share parts of your daily life with people you see every day!