That makes me feel sad! Is this the new "be kind"

[10milliondollars]

Is this now a thing?

I've had a couple of disagreements recently with adults who like to push the boundaries when they don't get their own way - their response has been that makes me feel sad - is it me or is it such a weird thing to say to another adult you have a difference of opinion with - both adults had no right to their demands and I said I would not do what they wanted. Most people feel sad when they don't get their own way - but they don't lay the guilt on other people.

I think these people are being manipulative - AIBU.

I'm still recovering from a colleague telling me (I'm a manager) another colleague made them "feel unsafe " because the colleague gave them feedback following quite a clanger of a mistake.
The feedback was completely factual, polite, constructive.
I almost have no words left for this stuff.

No, these are appropriate things to feel sad about.

Expressing sadness because a manager disagrees with your report summary and wants you to look at it again, is not appropriate. As a previous poster said, ‘sad’ is not even the right emotion, more likely ‘annoyed’ or ‘irritated’ would be more honest. But not so easy to weaponise.

My favourite response so far is ‘sucks to be you’ - thanks to whoever suggested that one!

'Aw, let me give you some space to process those feelings.' (then walk away)

I think it’s absolutely fine (and healthy) to say that makes me feel sad, happy, annoyed, frustrated etc.

It is articulating your emotions, which is a good thing.

I think you’re focusing too much on the phrase and not on their behaviour.

If someone is being manipulative then it doesn’t matter what they say because it’s the manipulative behaviour that’s wrong, not the phrase.

Your reply can simply be that you’re sorry you feel sad but that it doesn’t change your opinion on the matter and that’s for them to get over it.

Can you give some examples.

I think I'd reply "If you need help dealing with your emotions, Ms Rachel has some great strategies aimed at toddlers in her videos".

If you're feeling helpful, you could share a link.

They've either had some therapy or read something online that says that talking about how someone has made you feel rather than what they have done is more effective.

So, instead of saying, "You only got me a cheap birthday present", you say, "It makes me feel sad that my birthday wasn't a priority for you" or something like that. Or instead of saying, "You refused to lend me money and now I'm in a bad situation, you say, "It makes me feel sad that I can't rely on you to help me out when I'm in trouble."

Honestly I think it is manipulative and it probably comes from American therapists who teach their clients to think that the world revolves around them and they need to put themselves first whilst also cutting off anyone else who doesn't also put them first.

It's very "me, me, me".

I'd just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way", or if they need something stronger, "I'm not responsible for how you feel, you need to find a way to deal with your emotions."

There are a lot of people very uncomfortable with emotions on here!! How terribly British! It’s interesting how many people are taking how another person is feeling so personally. A person can share what they wish with you. It’s what you then choose to do with it (you could reflect on it and accept it, shrug it off or reject it in your mind) and so many say they would choose to respond by being unpleasant.

What if their way to deal with their emotions is to express them out loud? That’s a fairly basic level emotional literacy thing

It’s a ‘blameless’ substitute for saying you’re cross/pissed off, etc. with the person. It’s designed to make you feel bad for making them sad.

I’d probably be tempted to reply with either ‘Sad my arse!’ or perhaps, ‘Oh, you poor thing, perhaps you need ‘sad’ therapy?’

This is why I find it so manipulative.

Articulating emotions has a time and place, as has already been said.
Not every place or time is suitable to tell people you are sad.
Use your inner voice in those settings.

If I went to the office this morning and told them I am frustrated to fuck with the utter disaster that's been the last two weeks, they would ummhum at me at best, more likely fall about laughing. New school year brings chaos.

If you told a coffee shop worker you were sad that those biscuits you always buy were out of stock, what exactly do you want them to do with this profoundness? Answer, nothing, so why say it?

I don't really see the issue with this? They are just telling you how they feel. They aren't saying 'you have made me feel sad' so it seems to me that you are getting defensive for no reason. I've had a few people say it to me, it's never made me feel manipulated, why would it? People have emotions, they can voice them. In fact, sometimes I've found it really helpful as otherwise I would have perhaps assumed that they were experiencing a different emotion, like frustration or anger.

I find a nod or 'yes that makes sense' is all that is required.

That’s an odd reaction, which makes me think you’re the issue?

Well then the two people involved may have conflicting needs.

The other person needs to talk about how sad they are and the OP needs to not be emotionally blackmailed.

Then what?

Why do one person's emotional needs trump the other's?

I can’t work out what’s going on here. I’m not sure you realise but you come across as very aggressive and belligerent. Which makes me wonder about your interactions in real life when you don’t get the responses you wish.

Perhaps @10milliondollars you should play them at their own game.

CF relative: It makes me feel sad that you don't want to help me.
@10milliondollars: I'm sorry you feel that way. It makes me feel [emotion] that you are putting your emotions on me rather than finding a way to deal with this yourself, like an adult. It's not my intention to make you feel sad but at the same time I don't think I have a moral obligation to do [thing they want you to do] just because you will feel sad if I don't.

It’s up to OP to choose how to respond. If they know they have acted with complete integrity then they can just shrug it off and move on or they can respond any way they like. If it continues to bug them maybe they can think about what it is about hearing how someone feels that’s bothering them.

The correct response is: "So what?"

HTH

Nobody likes being emotionally blackmailed, whether their conscience is clear or not.

The replies to my question have been really helpful in unpicking this, thank you.

I think this is context v. actual phrase.

Some people are objecting to the use of the phrase itself, the words. Others don't mind the words in the right context but are objecting to the use of 'I am sad' to manipulate.

As as 'I am sad' person in some limited contexts I'm definitely not someone who would use it to manipulate but I feel that expressing my emotions in the right context is useful, mature and can be part of good communication.

I'm with you OP.

I run a business that is membership based. I recently had someone join then tell me they are taking a break for a few months. I sent her the standard reply which reminded her she was out of the cooling off period, a copy of Ts and C's and a link to the form for cancelign early involves ticking a box for early cancellation grounds and supplying details. She ignored so the next month was automatically charged. I then received a flurry of furious texts and emails. I actually tried to phone multiple times then sent her a reasoned response saying she had not followed the process for cancellation, the attempts I'd made to contact her. I finished up by saying I had decided to cancel her membership regardless as on reflection of the messages I had received she was not a compatible fit, had taken the decision to refund her last payment and I now considered the matter closed.

I then received another flurry of messages, multiple stating how 'sad she was' to receive that communication from me, how she was 'surprised' as it was very at odds with my 'public persona' (I'm not a celeb) and even though she was 'tempted otherwise' she would not retaliate as after all 'we are all grown-ups'.

So they get to say out loud and in front of people they are sad/angry/disappointed etc but we on the receiving end have to reflect, shrug it off or reject it "in our minds " why can they say stuff out loud but we have to be quiet?
Why can we not reject it out loud? Why (always) does one side get to do or say whatever they like, and the other side has to stay silent? Why are (others on this thread) saying we are being unkind, mean, rude, unpleasant when we respond with our feelings? To me they are being unpleasant with vocalising their feelings.

I should at least be allowed to respond with my feelings. My feelings are that I don't care about your feelings. That should be the end of it.

There are a few people I do care about how they feel, but I still wouldn't expect them to say they feel sad, it's so juvenile, I'd expect better from an adult.

I'm surprised how these people function in the world sometimes.

Yes, you’re right. I worded it a bit clumsily. It would make sense to say ‘I feel as though you’re trying to make me change my mind and that’s feeling uncomfortable for me/I’m feeling irritated by that’ I guess the point I'm trying to make is that what someone else tells you is out of your control but you can respond however you choose. I was highlighting that many people on this thread seem to want to fire back with something mean spirited that kind of says to me that they are responding in quite a child like way rather than reflecting on what emotions it’s brought up for them. We all think we’re far less emotion driven than we are when in fact many of these responses indicate a very emotion driven response dressed up as somehow being logical/clever.

Oh this stuff is toxic.

I mean, it may actually be true in a psychological way, but that’s all about them and not about the person telling them. It might be the kind of thing you’d share with a therapist, but just because it’s your feelings, it doesn’t mean they are rational, or the other person needs to hear it.

they should be exploring why they feel unsafe in a perfectly normal interaction with a colleague. And then working on themselves to learn to take constructive criticism