That makes me feel sad! Is this the new "be kind"

[10milliondollars]

Is this now a thing?

I've had a couple of disagreements recently with adults who like to push the boundaries when they don't get their own way - their response has been that makes me feel sad - is it me or is it such a weird thing to say to another adult you have a difference of opinion with - both adults had no right to their demands and I said I would not do what they wanted. Most people feel sad when they don't get their own way - but they don't lay the guilt on other people.

I think these people are being manipulative - AIBU.

'I feel sad that you don't agree with me' is the new way of trying to manipulate you. It's basically another way of saying 'I'm disappointed in you.'

My most obnoxious retorts are ‘I am sorry you are having difficulty regulating - would you like to pick this back up later’ or ‘I know I have been fair here and I don’t think I am the appropriate place for you to process your feelings’

I mean the alternative is to be annoyed with them without explaining why.

If they've done something they've been told not to do, I imagine they know perfectly well why their parent is annoyed wth them.

My least favourite thing is women who turn on the waterworks when called out or challenged in any way. Rather than make me feel sorry or sympathetic, it hardens my heart to them instantly. It's so manipulative.

Christ what's wrong with people?

It sounds like a futuristic film where we've all become robots.

Scary!

lol!

It sounds like therapy speak.

Appropriate maybe in the context of a couple working through emotional problems.

Nauseating and self indulgent if it’s a boss chewing you out for refusing to work out of hours.

Tbh I am not sure what all the fuss is about.
Being sad is a normal emotion.

Humans are sad or angry when they do not get what they want.
It's ok to share your emotions as long as you do not expect others to run and fix your problems.

I am pushing for calling things as they are in work and personal environment. Nothing wrong with it. Clears the air

Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" lol

Wouldn't it be a lot clearer to tell them they are hurting you?

Look, I know I’m old. But can you run this by me again with a bit more punctuation? Cos atm I haven’t a clue what you mean.

Yes, I think so too.
Just this evening I told DH that it made me "feel sad, lonely and invisible" when he picked up his phone and started doom scrolling while I was telling him about something significant that had happened to me at work. It opened the door to a productive conversation and an apology from him.
Years ago I would have just sulked and been passive aggressive, but the "name your feelings" thing came from our marriage counsellor and has turned out to be good advice so far. I think it's healthy and honest.
(We do also say "I feel loved / appreciated / seen when you x, y, z" - it's not just a bitch fest!)

They probably do feel sad for all sorts of reasons, disagreements do that, I don't think there is anything new about it.

Life is full of misunderstandings and your friends obviously hadn't twigged that their words in your disagreement were loaded, which made them feel sad. If I upset someone inadvertently I would feel sad and reflect on what I said or did.

Hopefully they will be more careful in future, resulting in less sadness.

I think I'm guilty of the "I feel like..." verbal tic but then I've done a lot of therapy.

It can be a helpful way to drill down into feelings that aren't immediately clear, which is how it is for a lot of us. In particular, people who grew up with rigid or unrealistic expectations can find it hard not to react in kneejerk ways, e.g. being dismissive or sarcastic. Taking a moment to reframe your automatic negative reaction to something someone else has said or done in terms of your feelings can be a way to reflect on whether what they said/did is actually so bad or whether you're just disappointed or frustrated, etc. But you do then need to take responsibility for what happens next - not just present someone with your feelings on a silver platter and expect them to sort it all out for you. And retraining yourself to feel positive feelings is important too.

There will always be people who use these strategies to be manipulative or passive aggressive, but even if they used a different form of words such people would still be passive aggressive. The invoking of feelings isn't a bad thing in itself and can be highly constructive when used in good faith imo.

that makes me feel sad

That sounds like something of Sesame Street

I’m all about the feelings with dh - he’s my husband - our relationship is the very essence of feelings, if I felt sad I’d want to know how he felt - his happiness is my happiness - my discussion with the adults who spoke of being sad are not interested in anyone else’s feelings other than themselves.

I’m sad because I’m not getting my own way or
I’m sad because you called me out for being controlling.

In these cases I’m not inclined to care how sad they are, but I’m still surprised they thought telling me they were sad would alter the outcome.

Sounds like toddler speak. If someone said that to me I'd ask if they needed a nappy change and a nap

Yes, I have no problem with clear communication of your emotions with someone important in your life, but from more casual acquaintances, it feels more like a guilt trip. 'You made me sad; now give me what I want/stop standing up for yourself, and if you don't, you're a bad person. Because you made me sad.' 🙄

I think the word "sad" has become the umbrella feeling for more specific feelings like being disappointed, embarrassed, angry etc. I would probably ask the person to be more specific if they said they were "sad" over something mundane or for not getting the reply they wanted and then tell them to hold on to that feeling while I fetched them the number to a therapist.

Finding these interesting perspectives.

i use it with my DC…’when you do that, it makes me feel disrespected in my own home. Or it makes me feel ignored when you don’t respond when I am asking you what you want for dinner’

i was aiming to make them realise their actions affect other people, but didn’t think it could potentially make them feel responsible

Haven't encountered that phrase in person yet, but it would immediately arouse my suspicions that I was talking to one of the Be Kind brigade. Oh, a woman has a different opinion from you, and that makes you sad, because she's not Being Kind aka submissive? Go fuck yourself.

At best it would be someone who has gone with the dumbing-down of language. "Sad"? Not annoyed, irritated, angry, or any of the more specific and probably more accurate terms for what they feel? But no, that wouldn't be manipulative enough, would it? Either way, manipulator or wimp, I'd be quite happy to say something conversation-ending, even if it was just "What a peculiar thing for an adult to say to another adult."

‘That’s guilt, not sadness, Sandra.’

I’ve not come across this myself but I do despair rather about the way what I think of as therapy speak has invaded everyday language. I’d probably just say ‘oh dear’. And may add ‘why’s that then?’ if it’s not absolutely clear already 😄

Mind you, I have from time to time declared myself ‘happy’ about a situation I’m confronting e.g. “I’m not very happy about the way your team has handled this, can you have another look at it please”. Somehow that sounds more grown up.

*sorry that should be ‘not happy’ about a situation.

Self pity is definitely one of the tools manipulators use to get you to give in to their demands.
Don't fall for it.
The three main modes of manipulation are charm, rage (whether vocalized or the silent treatment) and self pity.