That makes me feel sad! Is this the new "be kind"

[10milliondollars]

Is this now a thing?

I've had a couple of disagreements recently with adults who like to push the boundaries when they don't get their own way - their response has been that makes me feel sad - is it me or is it such a weird thing to say to another adult you have a difference of opinion with - both adults had no right to their demands and I said I would not do what they wanted. Most people feel sad when they don't get their own way - but they don't lay the guilt on other people.

I think these people are being manipulative - AIBU.

I think people have a right to share how they’re feeling. It’s misguided to say someone has ‘made’ them feel a certain way though. They’re responsible for how they feel.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes I’ve come across this along with all feelings are valid.

Okay. Well that's only your opinion.

I would preface with the reality that not every adult has as good a set of regulation/emotional awareness skills. You obviously wouldn't need to label/coach/use a PACE approach with everyone - but for a lot of people it works well.

I've 12 years experience across a range of settings - child protection, special education, mental health, early years....and I'll say hand on heart that this reflective/expressive/empathy and co-regulation approach works massively with a lot of adults and children when delivered sensitively and with no agenda. It's not about manipulation, it's about being able to express different views, acknowledge feelings, and repair the relationship. Hard to convey on MN though! It's similar to a skill used in psychotherapy called immediacy, essentially 'say what you see' - active processing with people.

I'll also say, I've never had a client (adult or child) drop out of my therapeutic work both private and public sector, and people often vote with their feet so..:

@10milliondollars was meant to tag you in that response 🤦🏽‍♀️

I loathe this - it's emotional blackmail. I've had someone do similar.

My response was that she wrote the message, and she decided to send it, therefore she made herself sad and putting that on me was unfair and manipulative. And that if she couldn't manage her emotions in response to mundane disagreements which are part and parcel of life, then she should probably look into counselling.

I’m curious about this. I work in MH too and have always been told and shared that it’s not okay to say someone has ‘made’ you feel a certain way because that’s not owning your own emotions and making them someone else’s responsibility. Eg it’s okay to say ‘when you did xyz I felt abc’ as opposed to ‘you made me feel xyz because you didn’t agree with me/do what I wanted/expected you to’

'I'm sorry you are upset with what I said'
A lively passive aggressive shit thing to say.

Lol someone said this to me in work the other day, I was caught off guard so just said "ok". She went away so maybe a flat ok is the solution 🙃

Or if you want to convey the same message slightly more eloquently "ok, you're entitled to your feelings but I'm not responsible for them."

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme Agreed, I was summarising roughly in how you'd approach it, truthfully was in the bath and rushing to put my two pence in 😂

Although - depending on the client group and relationship, it can be powerful to acknowledge that someone can 'make' you feel a certain way but that you still aren't responsible for how they regulate/manage those difficult feelings. I've seen really skilled practitioners deliver things in blunt ways and also 'challenge' and still maintain a therapeutic relationship.

I agree with what the majority say re it being delivered in a way to blackmail a person into agreeing with them or doing as they say. That's clearly not okay. Intent is key and so is relationship/tone/empathy.

I've noticed this feelings language is pervading everything.

When my kids are watching YouTube videos every other sentence begins with 'I feel like....' which just sounds like waffly padding. For example, 'I feel like this colour would work well here' or 'I feel like I want to move this object here'. Aaahh you're not a frickin Jedi sensing a disturbance in the force. There's no need for the verbal padding. Just comes across as insecurity.

If someone said they felt sad because they hadn't got their own way to me I'd probably just respond with 'I'm sure you'll feel better soon', 'that's a shame' or 'best not to dwell on it and you'll be fine in no time' with a big thumbs up.

Easy, just one up them, 'sadness triggers my anxiety attacks, I cant be around you if you are sad', etc

I work in childcare and this is what kids are being told to say to other kids that have hurt their feelings. Rather than hitting out. It's all about teaching kids to manage and regulate their feelings. No way would I expect an adult to say this.

I'm torn with this because sometimes focusing so much on emotions isn't helpful for some people, you can get really lost and drawn into your own narrative/drama.

However, also seeing all of the sarky responses to 'I'm feeling sad or whatever emotions' is a bit disheartening because it shuts down the chance to reflect with other people!

Yes, sometimes people are trying to manipulate and then it is a case of stepping away from that person, but sometimes it might actually be useful to acknowledge, repair and continue on!

'would you like me to call the wa-wa-wambulance?'

I didn't go back to a counsellor who talked to me like this. Because I absolutely did feel manipulated and that she was just talking to a plan that she'd been taught.

The next one I went to was down to earth and normal. Talking to her was like having a normal conversation and I was able to open up.

They have a right to feel sad and express that. I would respond, "I'm sorry you feel sad." and then continue with whatever it is you are doing.

🤣

Omg I came across this in a work context and it really confused me. I was the chair in a team meeting with about 8 people, and at the end I summarised what each party had brought to the table and what actions were expected for the next meeting. All very standard procedure. I summarised one company’s proposal and said it wasn’t accepted at this point, and what changes they were expected to work on to present at the next meeting. I really wasn’t aggressive, it was normal summarising. The company’s representative responded with “That makes me feel so sad”
I was like wtf???? And judging by everyone’s facial expressions, I wasn’t the only one thinking that

@saraclara Fair play, there's different people for different people! I've never 'lost' a client so must be delivering it in an okay way!

I've noticed this feelings language is pervading everything.

Same. I find it tiresome.

It's also removing the need to back up arguments with facts and documentation. That's a slippery slope.

OP, tell them that irrespective of their sadness about it, your decision, or whatever it is, stands. It's manipulative.

My response is either okay or 'that makes me feel confused'. Both have worked.

"That makes me feel sad"
"being in touch with the full range of all our human emotions even the uncomfortable ones is so healthy so well done you for tackling that feeling head on"

I work in a CAMHS team and I regularly hear this sort of language used with children (not generally by professionals or co-workers), generally in a bid to attempt to make them behave in a way that the other person wants.

I personally don’t think it’s an effective way of teaching labelling emotions, my interpretation generally is that it weaponises emotion and makes a child feel bad and that they are responsible for making the person feel bad, and therefore they are bad. But more importantly I’ve seen many youngsters who feel responsible for adults feelings, and that it is their job to make them feel a certain way.

I can see it’s being used a lot in lots of different contexts. I heard it being used towards my toddler in nursery the other day ‘You’re noise is making me sad’, when he was simply making happy noises during an exciting game (albeit a bit loud / but he’s only 1.5) the nursery staff member just felt he was too loud. That’s not going to help him developmentally in any way, other than that he’ll start thinking that his reaction when he was happy made other people sad and he is responsible for not making them sad.

I work in a CAMHS team and I regularly hear this sort of language used with children (not generally by professionals or co-workers), generally in a bid to attempt to make them behave in a way that the other person wants.

I personally don’t think it’s an effective way of teaching labelling emotions, my interpretation generally is that it weaponises emotion and makes a child feel bad and that they are responsible for making the person feel bad, and therefore they are bad. But more importantly I’ve seen many youngsters who feel responsible for adults feelings, and that it is their job to make them feel a certain way.

I can see it’s being used a lot in lots of different contexts. I heard it being used towards my toddler in nursery the other day ‘You’re noise is making me sad’, when he was simply making happy noises during an exciting game (albeit a bit loud / but he’s only 1.5) the nursery staff member just felt he was too loud. That’s not going to help him developmentally in any way, other than that he’ll start thinking that his reaction when he was happy made other people sad and he is responsible for not making them sad.