That makes me feel sad! Is this the new "be kind"

[10milliondollars]

Is this now a thing?

I've had a couple of disagreements recently with adults who like to push the boundaries when they don't get their own way - their response has been that makes me feel sad - is it me or is it such a weird thing to say to another adult you have a difference of opinion with - both adults had no right to their demands and I said I would not do what they wanted. Most people feel sad when they don't get their own way - but they don't lay the guilt on other people.

I think these people are being manipulative - AIBU.

My teen does this, it drives me bonkers. “Clean your room” “oh, that makes me sad” I don’t care, it still needs done so go clean your room and stop laying on the mum guilt 🙄 (don’t say that to her obviously, apologise for making her sad but tell her it still needs done).

Reminds me of wet parenting advice in America, "honey, you made Mommy feel sad," baaaaarf.

I'd go with 'that's too bad' or 'yeah, life's a bitch innit".

I would personally take out the ‘made me’ and I think that’s okay to share how you felt. I feel ignore when…. Or I feel disrespected when’

You’re owning it then rather than making them responsible for how you feel.

I think a lot of ‘therapy speak’ has been co opted on social media and people are misusing it to try to get things their way (see also ‘boundaries’ - They don’t mean ‘you have to do things my way because that’s my boundary’)

I do wonder how many of the responses on here are people discomfort at speaking about emotions. There are a lot of sarcastic/stiff upper lip type responses which imply saying how we feel is for babies/young children and viewed as immature when in fact it can be quite the opposite.

If anyone over 4 said that to me I'd find it bizarre.

About 10 years ago I had from my (thankfully now NC) brother "I'm deeply saddened by..." - as though he was some sort of head of state! Bloody ridiculous!

They use this expression at my child’s SEN school to help them communicate, I assumed it was a very basic thing for children with severe learning disabilities who struggled with words, had no idea it was used commonly by people without any additional needs. What an odd thing to say.

I generally hate people who their “weaponise their feelings” ie. I feel sad. I feel violated. I feel personally attacked. Over really trivial matters. Whatever. Get some therapy and learn that feelings are not facts and adults need to learn to emotionally regulate themselves.

I would respond with "oh well I'm sure you'll get over it" perhaps accompanied with a little head tilt and a patronizing arm pat.

It doesn't have to be about changing someone, or changing behaviour at all. If you have a strong therapeutic relationship with someone you are able to use those immediacy skills and repair any ruptures!

You seem to be talking as a therapist, that's not what this thread is about. This is normal, everyday stuff. It's very different in the real world. We dont necessarily want to repair ruptures. We quite possibly dont care if someone is sad. And if someone in the real world said this to me, I'd be pretty pissed off that they were trying to emotionally blackmail me and react accordingly.

You (not you, anyone) being sad is not my problem, dont make it my problem and please dont tell us to "be kind"
Be kind has lost all meaning now and only ever used on women and girls.

We d oa lot of name it to tame it at home. It helps children recognise and regulate their emotions. I suppose its the way its being used. We use the phrase when our son is feeling sad to acknowledge his emotions but I also use it to help him realise that we empathise with him. Context is everything.

Well they aren't feeling sad - most likely they are feeling annoyed and angry with you as you aren't doing whatever it is they want.
So a response might be 'Oh, I thought you'd be annoyed? That's good then.'

This sort of thing has invaded from the United States, along with the navel-gazing therapy culture. AFAIK it primarily benefits the wallets of private therapists. Its completely over the top and feelings have taken the place of reason - whoever is saddest wins the debate. But then I'm from a culture which is 0 tolerance for this sort of thing, very tough love, maybe too far the other way. There's a happy medium.

That said if an adult said "that makes me feel sad" to me I'd find it hard to keep a straight face.

I'm fascinated by this thread! I think I'm a 'that makes me sad' person... I'm also NT, professional, good friends, functional, not manipulative, as normal as the next person.

I'd say 'I'm hugely sad' if someone I know had a loss. Or 'I'm saddened' by the conflict in Gaza or 'I'm feeling so sad today' about a personal issue for example.

Do these count as what we are talking about? If I had a disagreement with a friend I might say 'I feel so sad that I've hurt you and I so sorry can we talk about it?'

I'm genuinely surprised to read the intense reaction people are having to others expressing an emotions. ' sad is just an emotion isn't it? Not manipulative in itself. Just a way of communicating how we feel?

Have I misunderstood the context? I wouldn't tell someone they'd made me sad because my feelings are my own responsibility so maybe that's what we're discussing here?

Yeah the examples you give are normal like to say “that’s so sad” about a disaster on the news or an tragic incident , but the way “I feel sad” is being used now it’s often in a very passive aggressive way to get what they want by emotional blackmail.

I'd respond with "Let me grab my tiny violin" or "that sounds like a you problem" but I don't have much time for people's manipulation.

Currently have a manager that uses this all the time, I'd not heard it used before their arrival. Since their behaviour and attitudes mean I don't actually care if they're sad or not it's not having the effect on me I think they were anticipating. They're also incapable of distinguishing between sadness and anger in their team. I'm coping by resorting to extreme rationality and stone cold facts. Since this isn't my usual way of behaving it's exhausting.

@followingthebreath No those are normal sad events. OP is talking about people putting demand s on her and then saying they feel sad when she doesn't fulfil those unreasonable requests which is quite different.

^^ Same.
So many replies from people who have harsh replies to 'I feel sad/upset/angry' locked and loaded. I'd just think you were callous/rigid/unfeeling.

Not everything is about 'Be Kind'...not all 'therapy speak' is bad. Women are allowed to have emotions and men should be encouraged to become more expressive and attuned to emotion, perhaps then we'd have less toxic responses to difficult feelings!

We are humans that have complex cognitive and emotional processes. Lack of communication and awareness has impacted massively.

If it's used manipulatively then yes, fuck that. But if it's a gateway to deeper understanding then what's the issue!

I'd be tempted to say "I guess we all find different things sad. I find genocide and torture sad."

I think it is used when someone is actually angry but they want to retain the moral high ground.

I would briefly acknowledge the feeling and then quickly move on.

Do you use that makes me feel sad...[long pause] when you don't get your own way? Or when someone pulls you up for wasting their time, you say that makes me feel sad - think this one bothered me more - all she had to say was - you have a point, I shouldn't have done that, sorry. But instead she made it all about her - total deflection. I wanted to say are you 10? But I just said I think we are clear now - don't do this to me again. I didn't acknowledge her sadness - I'm not going there.

In both of these situations, sadness is being used as weapon to make the other person feel worse. And there is no regard for the other person's feelings - it's not about sharing. If you do this then you are who we are talking about.

😂😂😂

Hahaha this is amazing. Generally I am in a job where I can't engage with nonsense but sometimes a bit of aimless academic wittering gets me past nonsense from superiors.

Totally adding to my toolkit witter witter not engaging witter concerned head tilt *have you read the Stoics?'

Life is a vale of sorrows is usually a pleasing reply.

LOL.

Genuinely, when I was being a moody sad teenager, one of my uncles said to me:

"Why do we cry when are born! That we are come to this wicked world!"

(It was an exclamation not a question)

Come.to think of it 'is that another way of trying to say you feel disappointed in me' is another baller tactic for receiving this from juniors.