That makes me feel sad! Is this the new "be kind"

[10milliondollars]

Is this now a thing?

I've had a couple of disagreements recently with adults who like to push the boundaries when they don't get their own way - their response has been that makes me feel sad - is it me or is it such a weird thing to say to another adult you have a difference of opinion with - both adults had no right to their demands and I said I would not do what they wanted. Most people feel sad when they don't get their own way - but they don't lay the guilt on other people.

I think these people are being manipulative - AIBU.

Feelings aren't manipulative. Stating them as a way of trying to get you to do what they want is. You can express that you're sorry they are sad, but not sorry that you're not going to bend to their will. The same way you can be sorry that your child is disappointed but you're still not buying them sweets.

It seems to be what is expected in schools these days. Whenever something is discussed they are asked 'But how does that make you feel?'. My wee grandson used to say it all the time whenever he didn't get his own way, and his mum told me that he got it from school. I remember teaching in the late 80's after a bit of a gap and being shocked that secondary pupils were being asked how they felt about a piece of work. It wasn't anything special or unusual so they found it difficult to say much and were greatly relieved when I said I thought it was rubbish so we wouldn't be ending the lesson early so they could fill in these questionnaires about their feelings about a few history or social study questions.
I agree it's very manipulative!

I'm thinking

Riiiiiight

So?

And?

Why are you telling me you're sad?

I don't care.

Thats nice.

Oooookaaaay.

Thanks for the information, now to carry on.

And more in that vein, but then I dont like being manipulated like that and I'm a sarky cow.
I might even, if it suits me better, just carry on like nothing was said, see if they say it again, so I can ignore it again.

It doesn't work in a professional environment, it makes the person look like they are a child.
Debating is really good because it will achieve the best solution. Perhaps try responding with something like this:
When people have different opinions and indeed ideas it helps to bring different perspectives to problem solving and will achieve the best solution through discussion and debate.
You aren't being rude or telling them they are wrong but you are reframing the discussion to be more professional again. You aren't their therapist at the end of the day, if they want to tell someone they feel sad that's their opportunity (in therapy) not to colleagues at work.

Yeah my answer to that would be “oh dear! How sad! Never mind! “🙄

Yeah exactly! But then I’m a sarky cow too!

😂

I can’t imagine anyone saying this in an adult focused workplace. I used to have a senior colleague who, when things were drafted for him to sign off, would cross out any reference to “I feel that …” because in the workplace we have logic, not feelings. It’s actually unprofessional to bring in this sort of language (and a bit creepy).

It does younger colleagues no favours to model this sort of behaviour. They need to learn how to negotiate in an adult way. Should someone say “I can’t get that piece of work you’ve just given me back to you by Tuesday because I’m going XYZ project for Sandra. I will be able to get to it on Wednesday”, responding with “That makes me feel sad” is completely unproductive.

In my workplace, it would have been okay to say that you find that sort of language creepy (and that it makes you less likely to be put in front of clients). Or, perhaps, I would have made a point of introducing the sad person to the “logic not feelings” senior colleague to see if he would deal with it using some sarcasm.

Dunno. Depends on the context I think...

Bekind was a gaslighting movement after a domestic abuser killed herself. If it was a male domestic abuser who had killed themself the bekind movement would have never started

Which is odd, because it is mostly used against women, telling us we have to Be Kind to manipulative or outright abusive men.

These adults were children who got their way by saying they were sad . It doesn’t surprise me / worked with many kids that did/ do it .
They expect the same as adults !
It is BS - their happiness isn’t more important than the other person’s

The whole thing is playing on female socialisation. We're expected, required, to care about others' feelz and put them before our own wellbeing. It's a great relief when one reaches the age of saying "Fuck it and btw fuck you" in response. (Kudos to women who never fell for that shit.)

We've been teaching children to speak like this for a couple of decades. To name their emotions and identify how other people's behaviour makes them feel. All fine and dandy.
But when they grow up, I don't think anyone is telling them that it is no longer appropriate to share every feeling with the people around them.
So you get adults talking about feelings like children.

Thanks - it wasn't a workplace - it was a dispute with someone, not a family member, I won't go into details as I've no wish to make matters worse. But she assumed entitlement to something that legally wasn't hers and refused to discuss even the possibility of a compromise, after having these conversations over and over again (I was trying hard not to upset her), I finally laid out the law to her and told her very plainly that I was taking back what was mine, the power shifted, she said the law was silly and no one paid any attention to it and that I had made her feel sad. It was the change in tempo that led me to believe that sad was being used to manipulate - she'd tried being forceful and entitled and that wasn't working this time, so she changed to feeling sad.
My only regret in this whole situation was continuing to allow her to have an opinion - we thought she calm down and come to her senses - but she never did. I should have just told her how it was going to be after the first conversation. Life lessons!

I've never thought there was anything wrong in people saying they felt sad. It's not a 'new thing' at all. I feel sad sometimes, if asked I might say so but I'm a fairly private person so might not. If someone told me they felt sad I would be sympathetic. Who knows, I might even be able to help them feel better. Children must be able to express their sadness.

Well it's not my job to manage your emotions, however immature they may be, so I'll leave you to get on with it.

I think it’s a Trumpism from across the pond. “So sad…”

There is nothing wrong with people saying they feel sad, but as the OP asked, it's a new expression that has come into the language, like 'My bad' or ' I was sat in the bath when the phone rang' It is a manipulative sentence that throws the blame on the person who created the 'sadness' when they are discussing an issue.

That's not the context of the OP's question at all. Read her updates for further detail. This isn't about a simple statement of honest emotions, this is about how "that makes me feel sad" is used to manipulate people in disagreements or conflicts.

No-one has the right to feel sad if you eg gave them a pen and they asked for a pencil. This turn of phrase illegitimises real sadness. It demonstrates a total lack of resilience through an uber dose of manipulation. It's ridiculous.

That's an odd thing to say. If you feel sad, you feel sad. You can feel sad without expecting someone else to run off and get you a pencil straight away.

There's nothing remotely odd about @abs12's point. It was very clear.

Your reply should be 'Oh I'm sad that you're sad. Let's go consume lots of alcohol & get happy again' 😁

I get that. I have heard, "Now you're making me feel guilty!", which is similar.

Both are easily answered.