Affair partner lied to me

[Midlifecrisis4]

Hi. First time posting but could really do with some advice. My affair partner of 4 years blatantly lied to me today about information that he shared with another colleague. It was to do with him asking her advice about a forthcoming (secret) interview for a job elsewhere. I said did you ask her for advice when he went to meet with her and he said no and that the meeting was about something else entirely. Devastated as whilst I know that we are being deceitful by the nature of having an affair, I thought that between us we were honest, best friends and confidantes at work. For context, he is a big flirt, has got close to this other colleague in recent months and she has become distant with me over the same timeframe. I have long suspected he is a convert narcissist due to many behaviours and do wonder if he has moved on. I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved ! Just very upset and don’t know where to go from here.

So what if he lied to you? You're both liars and cheats anyway. You're being replaced with a new model, best to take a hint and just walk away. You're not his wife, he doesn't owe you anything at all.

It's 2024 and yet there are still women who think lying men, won't lie to them. Amazing

I'm not sure if this is a true post though because surely nobody can be this gullible and so lacking in self-awareness, can they?

But basic knowledge. Your posts make me despair of women. Sorry to say, but true.

I wasn't going to come back to this thread because I've been the wife in this situation and I have nothing but contempt for people who inflict this sort of pain on another person. HOWEVER. I discovered after my husband ran off with OW that he had a massive BDSM habit. I found this out via financial disclosure. It must have been bad as some of the sites were disguised as religious organisations so it looked like you were giving a donation. I had to do a lot of very distressing digging. I had absolutely no idea. He never tried it with me, never even suggested it and we had a healthy sex life and were married for a long time. The only clue was the very odd, very hard arse slap while I was washing up or whatever and very occasionally he'd place his hand on my throat with no actual pressure during sex. He did also hold me down when I tried to stop sex as he hadn't put a condom on and that resulted in my very late pregnancy.

So, my theory is that his wife isn't into his kink. He is absolutely not asexual and I'm almost laughing at you accepting this. You are supplying his kink. Just stop this. Fuck him off. I feel so sorry for his wife. Also, I can guarantee you are not his only affair on the go as it turned out to be with my ex. Not projecting before anybody says that, it's as common as the bloody cold. Find some self respect and sort yourself out.

"Affair partner lied"
The irony! I can't believe that you had the audacity to post this.

Why?? The majority of us aren't this naive or weak 😐

An affair partner, being a liar?! Surely not!

This clearly isn’t real - nobody could be this stupid.

Bleurgh. It should come as no surprise that a lying bastard is lying to you.

Bin him. I appreciate that if you’re the submissive partner in a loving relationship you might get off on some prick hurting you and making you pay for the privilege. However this shitehawk simply sounds abusive.

Being your manager makes it all a million times worse. Leave him. Leave your husband too if you like. You don’t have some magical connection to this man. You don’t have to stay in any relationship where you’re unhappy, never mind being abused and clearly about to be replaced by his new fling.

Wow. Some women really are desperate eh?!

Do you have a partner you are cheating on as well?

His Wife will have him back I guess. He is a liar and you're devastated he lied to you? Ok

Bdsm is not asexual. Asexual is no sex drive.
Anyway, if you ever see him again, make his cheap ass pay for the room, tie him up, and let him feel some humiliation and pain for once. But really, don't degrade yourself by indulging a man who acts like he's only seeing you to do you a favor.

Op, take lunch and leave your bank card at home so you can’t pay for his. Don’t book a hotel room. Please separate yourself from this man.

Good advice. Thank you x

I legit put my hand over my eyes & shook my head. Is this a creative writing project?

OP, have you ever asked yourself how you would feel if your partner/husband cheated on YOU? Do you realise that if he finds out about this, you are likely to loose everything that you actually value in life, your home, your friends, possibly even your family?

I am ashamed to admit that I was you at one point, (although not quite so naive) I was bored at home and felt neglected, no excuse, but that was behind what happened. I had more than one affair, and got away with it, but then suddenly I got caught!! When my DH found out, he was devastated, but having talked it all through, we decided, or so I thought, to stay together and give it another try. I had been lucky! Then, a few months later I discovered that he had turned the tables on me, and had an affair himself. I will never forget the sick feeling in my gut, when his girlfriend phoned one day, not expecting me to be at home, and I realised that he had been cheating on ME!! I confronted him, and he said 'now you know how it feels!' He then told me that I had killed the love that he had for me, and he was now in love with her, and was leaving to be with her. I was DEVASTATED!! All this time I'd been playing with fire, but never REALLY took on board what I was risking, just enjoyed the admiration and attention, without ever giving any serious thought as to what it would do to my DH if he found out, or what I was putting at risk. It took me years to get over what I had done, and to build up a new life for myself.

So my advice to you, would be, stop being so blind and naive, be polite to your lover at work, as you should be to your boss, but absolutely NOTHING more. Do your job, but start looking for a new one as a matter of urgency, and whatever you do, DO NOT see this man outside of work EVER again. If you do this, you may just be lucky, and not lose the life that you are currently taking for granted.

However, if you no longer want that life, then at least have the honesty to admit that your relationship with your partner/DH, is over, and let him find someone who REALLY loves him and WANTS to be with him. Then, you will be free to do whatever you like.

I think that you are so deep in this that this is why you are unable to see the reality and are coming across as naive. I doubt you are a stupid person - you just 'think' you want this/him so badly that you'll facilitate it any way you can. To be honest you nailed it when you spoke about your low self esteem. The reason counselling hasn't worked is very possibly because you didn't want to face the truth/reality and were not ready. You have been nothing more than his toy, an object. His long texts to you and the talk/actions that bring you in are just enough drip feed to recharge your interest and keep you sweet - part of the rules of the game; nothing more; nothing real; nothing authentic - deep down you know all this. The good news here is that you've reached out to MN - you might (after 4yrs of allowing yourself to be abused) be ready to face your demons. It will be a painful road but the reward will be amazing. Good luck 👍

You’ve not mentioned your own partner or family at all, do you have kids op ?

😂😂😂

My first thought too

You may be his best friend, but he is not your best friend ~ he is no friend at all to you. Please take this on board and proceed accordingly.

This reminds me of the thread by that woman who'd been having an affair with a "lovely" married man for twelve years - and then, within hours of discovering that he was sleeping with other women as well, decided he must be a sociopath (yes, she actually used that word). I'll never understand it. How narcissistic do you have to be to think that someone who's happy to cheat on someone else WITH YOU won't cheat on you as well?

lol, you don't want to walk away. Pull the other one.

This excites you. I have another friend who is being played like you, and they always somehow justify it in their head that "it's a test, maybe I read it wrong, I obviously mean more to them than the other person", etc.

You're a player, you got played, so I'd avoid the nice guys because they're going to bore you, and you're going to do the same thing with them.

Stop reading into this. It will never be serious, so you might as well enjoy what you have, because you're not going to change, and neither is he.

You're not as vulnerable as he is. He's a cheat who can't get an erection unless he's hurting a woman. If he suggests for one minute that you're the one at risk of exposure, I would tell absolutely everyone I knew.

Haha oh you sweet naive child

You have more power in the work situation than you think op. He had a dominant relationship with someone he manages. Usually that's against company protocol and he could be in trouble. Now he might be doing the same with someone else, and (sort of) making you look bad with colleagues? You kind of have the upper hand here op.

So... what is it about this man that makes him your ideal life partner?