Affair partner lied to me

[Midlifecrisis4]

Hi. First time posting but could really do with some advice. My affair partner of 4 years blatantly lied to me today about information that he shared with another colleague. It was to do with him asking her advice about a forthcoming (secret) interview for a job elsewhere. I said did you ask her for advice when he went to meet with her and he said no and that the meeting was about something else entirely. Devastated as whilst I know that we are being deceitful by the nature of having an affair, I thought that between us we were honest, best friends and confidantes at work. For context, he is a big flirt, has got close to this other colleague in recent months and she has become distant with me over the same timeframe. I have long suspected he is a convert narcissist due to many behaviours and do wonder if he has moved on. I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved ! Just very upset and don’t know where to go from here.

So in 4 years you havent been able to find a job?

More than 4 years actually, as there was a lead up to the affair.

You aren’t vulnerable. You knew exactly what you were getting into. Just because it hasn’t gone your way and you realise you are not special compared to all the other women you don’t then get to say ‘oh I didn’t choose this, I am vulnerable’.

No

tthis cant be real

What comes around, goes around.

Fancy that, a cheating cunt being a liar-who'd have thought it...? 🤔

He lies every day to his wife and you're surprised that he lied to you? Oh dear sweet naive OP! 😂

He’s my manager if that makes a difference?

No it’s doesn’t but I expect you fancied a bit of sympathy of people saying he abused his position of power.

trauma bonded? That’s a fucking insult to people who actually go through it. People who find themselves trauma bonded, speaking from experience is usually as a result of abuse and manipulation. When the abuser starts nice, incredible and amazing then the mask slips. The abuse starts but you have no one but your abuser.

In your situation it didn’t start nice you knew he was a lying cheating prick and still went for it. Fucking trauma bonded. You don’t seem to have any remorse for what you’ve been up to just poor me he is lying to me. Perpetrators playing the victim card, very boring and I can see it a mile off. Bore off. I hope your scummy affair partner ditches you and your husband leaves you. You deserve all you get.

He also gets me to pay for most stuff like lunches at work and a hotel room once per week otherwise I wouldn’t get any time with him. I’m not innocent no. As he would say I’ve been the one pushing it, desperate to have some alone time with him

@Midlifecrisis4 do you have any trusted friends or family members you can talk to about this.

It’s alright a bunch of strangers on the internet telling you this is insanity but how are people in real life supporting you through this?

You won’t be his only side piece

Well obviously.. he doesn’t want his wife asking questions does he 🙄 still no sympathy. Try again

It's not, it's the plot of the film Secretary.

Wake up people.

You really should be embarrassed to continue this. Pick yourself up and end it, you're being really stupid.

He’s bored of you and ready to find the next.

You're getting everything you deserve, enjoy the ride that you willingly got on yourself. You’re not going to find anyone with any sympathy for you no matter how many times you try play the “he’s my manager, I was vulnerable” card now it’s going tits up for you.

I hope this isn’t real, makes me sad thinking there could be women out there this pathetic and naive.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the hard hitting advice. It’s given me lots to think about. Happy to leave the thread now

His name doesn't begin with J and he lives in the USA in a state beginning with M??

On the off chance this is true, you need to start doing things to help yourself.

If you can't come up with your own plan, try this one.

1. Book a consultation with a recruitment agent that works in your sector & focus really on getting a new job - new job needed no later than November 1st. Set an absolute deadline
2. Stop paying for shit
3. Book more counselling & really start working on your self esteem.
4. Take up a hobby or something that keeps your mind & time occupied so that you are not giving you attention to him
5. Figure out your priorities in life because a man like this should never be on of them

You seriously need to get an STD test OP. This is the most depressing thing I've read in a long time, what are you thinking?

Whilst OP wasn’t at all innocent in this, I think she was manipulated and very gullible. This dirty scruff of a man used her unashamedly and sounds like he has always used people this way. Four years is a long time. Too long. I hope OP manages to find therapy that works (whatever you’ve tried before doesn’t seem to have) and a new therapist or friends that can support her finding a new job, and going no contact with this guy.

Really good advice thank you !

He is clearly an arch and experienced manipulator and you have fallen for it hood line and sinker.

He is lining up your replacement as hurting you isnt enough anymore. He needs a new victim.

To be honest he probably is telling the truth that he isnt shagging his wife if he can only get off on BDSM, and she has said no. But he either doesnt to lose the comfort of a wife at home or doesnt want to lose what a divorce will cost him. And yes he will be cosying up to her, watching movies, holding hands around the garden centre as they pick out new plants, celebrating their anniversary.......

What about your husband in all of this? Are you still having sex with him, despite the fact that you are having unprotected sex outside your marriage? Or are you simply physically and emotionally neglecting him because all your focus is on the manky bloke you have been allowing to slap you and wank over it? How does he feel about all of this.

You need a lot more than 12 sessions of counselling. You need some proper deep ongoing therapy to pick this to pieces. Take another job ANY other job to get away from this. If he isnt already fucking the new woman, he soon will be.

The most shocking thing for me is that you are surprised he is lying to you. Why on earth would he tell you the truth?! You have taken all the other shit he has thrown at you, so why wouldnt he expect you take this aswell?!

Almost unbelieveble,definately revolting.
1)you are an adult
2)del with it

Just here for the deletion message

my a hardly works ever-"deal "with it
you are degrading and humili\ating yourself stop trying to blame shift.you pay because you want to.
he wont change ever
you can if you want.unfollowing cos is make me screw my fce up

He’s having an affair with you, saying his marriage was over because of other affairs.

I mean, he’s literally spelt it out for you, he’s a serial affair haver and is always going to be looking for the next conquest.

I also can’t believe you fell for the line that he was asexual. Suggests you go watch the friends episode where Monica puts the snap back in the waiter guys turtle. It was a line to get you into bed.

You have been very naive. It’s time for you to take control of your life now - break it off, move on, and find a man who is actually worthy of your time and attention, because this one for sure isn’t.