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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Affair partner lied to me

281 replies

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:16

Hi. First time posting but could really do with some advice. My affair partner of 4 years blatantly lied to me today about information that he shared with another colleague. It was to do with him asking her advice about a forthcoming (secret) interview for a job elsewhere. I said did you ask her for advice when he went to meet with her and he said no and that the meeting was about something else entirely. Devastated as whilst I know that we are being deceitful by the nature of having an affair, I thought that between us we were honest, best friends and confidantes at work. For context, he is a big flirt, has got close to this other colleague in recent months and she has become distant with me over the same timeframe. I have long suspected he is a convert narcissist due to many behaviours and do wonder if he has moved on. I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved ! Just very upset and don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 25/09/2024 20:28

He said he was asexual, you do know what that means don’t you? I am guessing you cured him?

itsmylife7 · 25/09/2024 20:28

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:25

Yes when we met he had just started at our place at work having moved up on his own and was telling me his marriage was likely to end as had had affairs previously and they’d never got over it. He also told me he was asexual and him and his wife had no sexual contact at all and apparently haven’t done the whole time we’ve been together. Is this a load of crap do you think? I’m aware how naive I prob sound !!

Surely you'd know in the 4 year affair if he's Asexual 😉

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2024 20:28

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:25

Yes when we met he had just started at our place at work having moved up on his own and was telling me his marriage was likely to end as had had affairs previously and they’d never got over it. He also told me he was asexual and him and his wife had no sexual contact at all and apparently haven’t done the whole time we’ve been together. Is this a load of crap do you think? I’m aware how naive I prob sound !!

Yep! Hook, line and sinker.

Have some self esteem and move on very quickly.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/09/2024 20:29

This is either reverse or at least partly BS. Otherwise you come off incredibly dense. Even the title 'My Affair partner is a liar' or whatever..No fucking shit.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 25/09/2024 20:29

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:25

Yes when we met he had just started at our place at work having moved up on his own and was telling me his marriage was likely to end as had had affairs previously and they’d never got over it. He also told me he was asexual and him and his wife had no sexual contact at all and apparently haven’t done the whole time we’ve been together. Is this a load of crap do you think? I’m aware how naive I prob sound !!

And yet you said:

"I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved !"

The fact he's having sex with you but told you he is asexual - the guy is a liar and you're just being used.

Have some self respect and walk away.

AgnesX · 25/09/2024 20:29

Lied to you? Well, there's a surprise.

I'm not sure anyone can say anything that you don't already know.

ThreeTescoBags · 25/09/2024 20:29

How do you have an affair with someone who's asexual? Just sit next to each other on a bench, careful not to accidentally nudge arms?

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:29

Barbarella73 · 25/09/2024 20:27

He said he was asexual? 😂

Yup. Has no desire for intercourse but does it to please me ? He is into bdsm

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2024 20:30

Yup. Has no desire for intercourse but does it to please me ? He is into bdsm

What a prize 🤣

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:30

ThreeTescoBags · 25/09/2024 20:29

How do you have an affair with someone who's asexual? Just sit next to each other on a bench, careful not to accidentally nudge arms?

Ha. He gets turned on through sexual play humiliation and pain like spanking etc

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 25/09/2024 20:30

Affair partner lies, no surprise there.

SoupDragon · 25/09/2024 20:31

So, you're married, he's married and has had affairs before and you're surprised he's lying to you...?

😂😂😂😂

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:31

TwinklyAmberOrca · 25/09/2024 20:29

And yet you said:

"I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved !"

The fact he's having sex with you but told you he is asexual - the guy is a liar and you're just being used.

Have some self respect and walk away.

Thank you. I’ve been so deep in this for years now it feels

OP posts:
Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:32

ViciousCurrentBun · 25/09/2024 20:28

He said he was asexual, you do know what that means don’t you? I am guessing you cured him?

Nope he still says he is !

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 25/09/2024 20:32

Oh dear OP, just listen to yourself! He's lied to you about leaving his wife and his asexual marriage and now he's lying to you about the colleague he obviously fancies. He's either planning to move on to her or he has already. It's hard to believe that you've fallen for his bullshit but now hopefully you've had your eyes opened. He's a serial cheat and a liar. Dump him and get on with your life!

EG94 · 25/09/2024 20:32

Swept off your feet by a man who openly admitted he has lied and cheated repeatedly on his wife. Yea sounds like a catch. For most people that level of sheer arrogance and ignorance is enough to give you the ick, not have a 4 year affair! I feel you don’t love your husband anymore and wouldn’t care if he told you he’d had an affair. What a sorry sorry mess

idrinkandknowthings · 25/09/2024 20:33

This has got to be a pisstake. No one is this stupid.

Emmanuelll · 25/09/2024 20:33

Mill3nnial · 25/09/2024 20:21

Well he lied to his wife too so not sure why you think you'd be any different. Sorry.

This ^^

People behave broadly the same way to everyone. And if he's a narcissist then you aren't going to change him.

Why do you want to be with someone married? You reap what you sow...

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:33

Thank you. Yes I suspect he has been bored for some time now. I get the bare minimum from him really in terms of time and effort.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 25/09/2024 20:33

LOL

cocoromo · 25/09/2024 20:33

I think you are confused about what asexual means 🤣

dreamer24 · 25/09/2024 20:34

ThreeTescoBags · 25/09/2024 20:29

How do you have an affair with someone who's asexual? Just sit next to each other on a bench, careful not to accidentally nudge arms?

😂😂😂

wrongthinker · 25/09/2024 20:34

Oh come on, OP. You can't be this gullible.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 25/09/2024 20:35

Oh no! Do you mean to say that someone who is cheating is ALSO dishonest?? Almost as though there may be a correlation there….

DaisyChain505 · 25/09/2024 20:36

You do realise that being asexual and being into BDSM are total contractions and opposite ends of the sexual spectrum.

wake up girl.