Page 11 | Affair partner lied to me

Midlifecrisis4 · 2024-09-25T19:16:36+00:00

Hi. First time posting but could really do with some advice. My affair partner of 4 years blatantly lied to me today about information that he shared with another colleague. It was to do with him asking her advice about a forthcoming (secret) interview for a job elsewhere. I said did you ask her for advice when he went to meet with her and he said no and that the meeting was about something else entirely. Devastated as whilst I know that we are being deceitful by the nature of having an affair, I thought that between us we were honest, best friends and confidantes at work. For context, he is a big flirt, has got close to this other colleague in recent months and she has become distant with me over the same timeframe. I have long suspected he is a convert narcissist due to many behaviours and do wonder if he has moved on. I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved ! Just very upset and don’t know where to go from here.

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 21:28

Basically he put me under such pressure I feel and I was so stressed and tired that I did something totally insane and broke the rules. Worried I’m going to sacked

OP posts:

HolyPeaches · 27/02/2025 21:41

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 21:28

Basically he put me under such pressure I feel and I was so stressed and tired that I did something totally insane and broke the rules. Worried I’m going to sacked

What did you do that broke the rules? What kind of rules? Work ones?

Are you still “affair partners?”

To be blunt, for your own sanity I think it’s best you look for another job. Remove yourself from the situation and move on from him.

BadLad · 27/02/2025 21:45

Your affair partner has lied to you?

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 21:46

Yes work ones to do with IT. Yes still affair partners. I basically lost my mind and took a stupid risk trying to sort something out for him. He was texting and texting asking me to sort it for him whilst I was also covering for a colleague off sick and whilst he was out of the country on a work jolly basically - that was the reason he couldn’t sort it himself. Can’t leave now as investigations ongoing. Stressed to high heaven. He has basically destroyed my career I feel although the blame mostly lies with me of course :-(.

OP posts:

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 21:52

Any advice please anyone ? Would you admit affair at work as explanation (knowing it would end if you did that) or not ? My mind is mashed

OP posts:

HolyPeaches · 27/02/2025 21:54

Well you need to throw him under the bus and be honest with whoever is conducting the investigation.

It might feel humiliating, but be honest about the “affair”. Show HR the texts/messages from him asking you to sort the issue. If he’s still your manager then you were only following orders from him.

He was also in a position of power being your manager and getting into an affair/relationship with him.

Cut all contact with him going forwards. You’re doing yourself no favours. Please raise your bar and improve your self esteem.

Getting sacked might be the best case scenario for you to be honest.

Sideorderofchips · 27/02/2025 21:58

Oh boo hoo

What goes around comes around

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 22:05

HolyPeaches · 27/02/2025 21:54

Well you need to throw him under the bus and be honest with whoever is conducting the investigation.

It might feel humiliating, but be honest about the “affair”. Show HR the texts/messages from him asking you to sort the issue. If he’s still your manager then you were only following orders from him.

He was also in a position of power being your manager and getting into an affair/relationship with him.

Cut all contact with him going forwards. You’re doing yourself no favours. Please raise your bar and improve your self esteem.

Getting sacked might be the best case scenario for you to be honest.

This is really helpful thank you x

OP posts:

SussexLass87 · 27/02/2025 22:06

HolyPeaches · 27/02/2025 21:54

Well you need to throw him under the bus and be honest with whoever is conducting the investigation.

It might feel humiliating, but be honest about the “affair”. Show HR the texts/messages from him asking you to sort the issue. If he’s still your manager then you were only following orders from him.

He was also in a position of power being your manager and getting into an affair/relationship with him.

Cut all contact with him going forwards. You’re doing yourself no favours. Please raise your bar and improve your self esteem.

Getting sacked might be the best case scenario for you to be honest.

Excellent advice.

wrongthinker · 27/02/2025 22:21

HolyPeaches · 27/02/2025 21:54

Well you need to throw him under the bus and be honest with whoever is conducting the investigation.

It might feel humiliating, but be honest about the “affair”. Show HR the texts/messages from him asking you to sort the issue. If he’s still your manager then you were only following orders from him.

He was also in a position of power being your manager and getting into an affair/relationship with him.

Cut all contact with him going forwards. You’re doing yourself no favours. Please raise your bar and improve your self esteem.

Getting sacked might be the best case scenario for you to be honest.

This is the only thing to do, OP.

LouH1981 · 27/02/2025 22:26

The very foundation of your relationship is based on dishonesty. Why on earth are you surprised?
Its his wife I feel sorry for.

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 22:27

wrongthinker · 27/02/2025 22:21

This is the only thing to do, OP.

Show quote history

Unfort no evidence as such of the pressure he put me under as I always delete all WhatsApp convos straight away. However he did say I had to cover for a sick colleague despite me suggesting an alternative alongside trying to resolve this urgent issue for him. Really felt pushed over the edge. He is so clever though that I’m scared to say anything against him.

OP posts:

Idiotsareeverywhere27 · 27/02/2025 22:32

FFS OP, get a grip!! The fact that you've carried on this affair after all the advice given to you when you started the thread months ago, leads me to think that this whole thing is simply a load of bull shit. Quite bluntly it sounds like you deserve all you get.

Original poster

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 22:34

Idiotsareeverywhere27 · 27/02/2025 22:32

FFS OP, get a grip!! The fact that you've carried on this affair after all the advice given to you when you started the thread months ago, leads me to think that this whole thing is simply a load of bull shit. Quite bluntly it sounds like you deserve all you get.

Not a load of bullshit but yes I’m sure I do deserve all that I’m going to get :-(

OP posts:

Mandymum1971 · 28/02/2025 00:04

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 22:27

Unfort no evidence as such of the pressure he put me under as I always delete all WhatsApp convos straight away. However he did say I had to cover for a sick colleague despite me suggesting an alternative alongside trying to resolve this urgent issue for him. Really felt pushed over the edge. He is so clever though that I’m scared to say anything against him.

Show quote history

If you don’t have the messages of him pushing you then you’ve no evidence and it may just look like you’re bitter and can’t be trusted (as well as already on a disciplinary for breaking rules).

Despite that, if you have actual evidence on email or texts of your affair then you should own up now (is that against HR policies) for transparency. He’s clearly thrown you under a bus. Don’t do anything vindictive, just be transparent.

Can you manage to pay your bills and living costs if you lose your job and have issues finding another?

With no evidence you don’t really have a leg to stand on. If you were a trainee lawyer or paralegal and a senior member of staff tell you do something that was clearly wrong you would still get fined and potentially banned from working at a law firm for life. There are very few defences against situations like this.

madaboutpurple · 28/02/2025 01:20

OP your info made me laugh loudly. A man you are having an affair with is lying to you. Grow up of course he will be lying to a lot of people. Why would he not be lying to you.

outerspacepotato · 28/02/2025 01:25

He probably put the pressure on knowing you delete your conversations and that you would break the rules. You got set up. He wants you out.

Better get proof of your affair ready.

AliceMcK · 28/02/2025 02:00

ShamblesRock · 25/09/2024 20:37

Is he called Paul and sells wine for a living?

This was the first thing I thought of 😂

DaisyChain505 · 28/02/2025 11:00

Do NOT protect him in this situation.

and bloody dump him once and for all.

Stop continuing to destroy your life by being with this man.

JHound · 28/02/2025 11:22

Somebody is bored.

Duckswaddle · 28/02/2025 11:25

This is so stupid I can’t believe it’s real, but in case it is:

Well, you’re a complete moron and have put yourself in this position.

Your affair partner lied? Fucking shocker.
You’ve put your career in jeopardy for him? Fucking idiot.

Use your brain more.

KimberleyClark · 28/02/2025 11:48

It really should not come as a surprise that someone you are having an affair with lies to you. 🙄

NaomhPadraigin · 28/02/2025 12:11

Can't believe what I've just read 😱

He's fucked you, fucked your career - what next? What else will you let him fuck over?
You were given a shit tonne of advice 5 months ago & did nothing to help yourself. In fact now it's ten times worse! You seriously need more help than even MN can give.

Babbadoobabbadock · 28/02/2025 18:10

You were told, you didn't listen

NewNameNoelle · 01/03/2025 08:25

If you have evidence, show it to HR and those investigating. And then find a new job. Never talk to him again.

If you don’t have evidence, just resign and walk away with what remains of your dignity.

And in the future stop being so stupid. Use your brain. Don’t come here looking for advice, get lots of excellent advice, ignore it, and then come back looking for more advice and sympathy.

Every decision you make in life impacts your future outcomes. Only you can impact what direction your life takes, grow up and take some responsibility.