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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Affair partner lied to me

281 replies

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:16

Hi. First time posting but could really do with some advice. My affair partner of 4 years blatantly lied to me today about information that he shared with another colleague. It was to do with him asking her advice about a forthcoming (secret) interview for a job elsewhere. I said did you ask her for advice when he went to meet with her and he said no and that the meeting was about something else entirely. Devastated as whilst I know that we are being deceitful by the nature of having an affair, I thought that between us we were honest, best friends and confidantes at work. For context, he is a big flirt, has got close to this other colleague in recent months and she has become distant with me over the same timeframe. I have long suspected he is a convert narcissist due to many behaviours and do wonder if he has moved on. I’m very much in love with him and desire him sexually - the reason I’m still involved ! Just very upset and don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Bonbon249 · 30/09/2024 23:38

There's an old saying 'if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you' I know you won't want to hear this but I would lay good odds that he has been lying to you from the start. He is not asexual at all and I would bet his wife thinks their bedroom relationship is pretty good. Muster up all your self esteem and dump him. It will hurt like h*ll for a while but you deserve better.

Pherian · 30/09/2024 23:46

Stop your affair and get yourself together. That’s the only thing you need to worry about or do.

Getting yourself together is going to mean some therapy and some serious personal reflection about yourself and self respect - and how you get those back.

And a new job search.

Melonjuice · 30/09/2024 23:47

He’s not asexual you need to google that word lol
you are infatuated not in love

KimberleyClark · 30/09/2024 23:48

OP he is a cheat. Why would you expect integrity and high standards of behaviour from him?

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2024 00:04

@JoBoJoBo It is.

PinkyFlamingo · 01/10/2024 00:25

As someone who's DH of 25 years has just left me for his "affair partner" leaving he devastated the only nice thing I can say is you deserve everything that is coming to you

PerkyShark · 01/10/2024 04:12

It is 4.10am and I laughed so hard reading this I woke my husband up and had to read him some of the highlights from this thread. I mean... come on OP. Wtf! 🤣

Umidontknow · 01/10/2024 04:58

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:25

Yes when we met he had just started at our place at work having moved up on his own and was telling me his marriage was likely to end as had had affairs previously and they’d never got over it. He also told me he was asexual and him and his wife had no sexual contact at all and apparently haven’t done the whole time we’ve been together. Is this a load of crap do you think? I’m aware how naive I prob sound !!

😆 oh come on! So in the 4 years you've been shagging him how far along is his divorce? He's had affairs before so he is just moving on to the next, why sis you think you would be the one he wouldn't cheat on?

RoxyRoo2011 · 01/10/2024 05:30

I despise women like you. Feelings hurt because your MARRIED boyfriend is making his latest upgrade. Do you not think about the pain you’re inflicting on his poor wife? Apparently there is a girl code but not a lot of women seem to know about it. DON’T SLEEP WITH MARRIED MEN. You’ll get what’s coming to you.

Umidontknow · 01/10/2024 06:16

MorrisZapp · 25/09/2024 20:46

Karma would be the married one getting cheated on, unless of course you're a misogynist who thinks women should pay for men's sexual incontinence.

She knew he was married she isn't innocent

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2024 06:33

Can your Dr sign you off sick so you can really pull yourself together

Scirocco · 01/10/2024 06:56

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2024 06:33

Can your Dr sign you off sick so you can really pull yourself together

Having poor taste in men isn't a medical diagnosis.

Welshmonster · 01/10/2024 07:53

You let your boss spank you! You need to get away from him as he is grooming the other colleague to replace you.

stop seeing him now for your own well being. He can make your work life very difficult so find a new job where you can just do your job.

no more paying for lunches.

Asexual means no sexual attraction to others. He has sexual attraction but just can’t keep an erection. This doesn’t make him asexual. Just a kinky perv getting his rocks off. Does he actually ensure that you have an orgasm?

this stinks of abuse of power. Think Mohammad Al Fayed

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2024 08:19

Scirocco · 01/10/2024 06:56

Having poor taste in men isn't a medical diagnosis.

No but space and time might extricate them from the situation it's literally their boss they have absolute power and control over them at work the power dynamics are completely wrong whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation they need to leave before he boots her out

newnamethanks · 01/10/2024 08:28

😂😂😂

MarvellousMonsters · 01/10/2024 09:52

Why are you surprised?

Whereissummer24 · 01/10/2024 09:55

You know what they say about karma......

IcedCoffeeAddict44 · 01/10/2024 09:59

You are getting what you deserve I hope he breaks up with you and cheats with the colleague then your husband finds out and leaves you. You have no shame about having an affair and karma is coming to you cow.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 01/10/2024 10:19

Have RTFT. Dies anybody else suspect that this thread is a tester for the next phase of AI learning?

BCSurvivor · 01/10/2024 12:28

OP is also married, so while she's busy moaning about her (married) partner cheating on her, she's been merrily cheating on her own husband for four years!

temperedolive · 01/10/2024 13:12

ViciousCurrentBun · 25/09/2024 20:28

He said he was asexual, you do know what that means don’t you? I am guessing you cured him?

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Monica slept with Paul the Wine Guy, who told her he hadn't been able to perform since his wife left him? My guess is this is the 2024 version of that.

Thirstysue · 01/10/2024 13:12

How you get 'em is how you lose 'em

RoxyRoo2011 · 14/10/2024 18:07

ShamblesRock · 25/09/2024 20:37

Is he called Paul and sells wine for a living?

Oh this made me lol 😂

Kaleidoscope101 · 14/10/2024 18:32

Midlifecrisis4 · 25/09/2024 20:29

Yup. Has no desire for intercourse but does it to please me ? He is into bdsm

No desire for intercourse........ Apart from with people he has affairs with (you and the previous affairs you mentioned) 🤔

Midlifecrisis4 · 27/02/2025 21:27

Just coming back to this as the context is here. Something awful has happened at work as a result of this relationship and I need some advice.

OP posts: