If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

[Palmollive]

That they are happier because of it?

I don’t care about exam results or what job dd will get etc. I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

Why are you assuming they hadn't experienced state schools? Both my children went to state primary schools. One went to a state secondary school and was very frustrated with the low level disruption and the lack of ambition and support (months of homework not being marked, barely knowing him at school parents' evenings etc). In the end it all worked out because he got into the brilliant local state sixth form college and had some amazing teachers.

My second son was very bright and needed to be extended which I knew wouldn't happen at the senior school my elder one went to because we had experience of it. He wouldn't have been broken or destroyed, although I believe that happens to some children in certain schools. But he would have been bored and probably become disruptive. I knew this because he was bored at his primary school. Another child who was self-motivated and less reactive would probably have done fine at the state comprehensive.

@Kiuyni 'lots of'? So how many state school parents have you met outside your particular one? Maybe your DC had a really hard time at state school but don't tarnish all of the parents in every state school with your own experience. Yes I have also met parents who are not aspirational but I wouldn't say there are lots. Depends what your definition of aspiration is?

I didnt tarnish 'all' state school parents, as you can read quite clearly from my post.

As someone who has taught at two private schools, I would say it varies both by pupil and by school.

I would say my first school (Central London, girls, religious) was much happier than my second (outer London, mixed, CofE but hardly). The main difference, I would say, is that my first school genuinely did value every pupil as an individual, and this permeated down through the school. My second, although improving, was headed by an ogress for many years (the current head is far better) but it takes years to turn around a school, as a culture (in this case, perfect behaviour and success),gets embedded in the whole staff body.

But even in my first school, there were a few unhappy pupils; perfectionism and anorexia were problems and some pupils just didn’t fit in.

I do think, to some extent, it is better to ask teachers than parents, as many parents won’t really know and, particularly when they have invested large sums of money, won’t admit when they have got it wrong.

My children go to a good local comprehensive and I think that they are both happy. I think one big difference is that school, for better or for worse, is a much bigger part of your life in private-longer days, early morning and late evening clubs and sports coaching etc etc.

You should go to lots of schools from both sectors and look around. If you care about happiness, ask those giving the tour and the head lots of difficult questions about it and avoid exam factories, even if it means possibly dropping a grade on average.

What I can see quite clearly from your post is you said 'lots of parents'. Now you're trying to re-focus on the fact I said don't tarnish 'all' parents as you quite clearly think there's a vast difference between 'lots of' and 'all'. Your sentiment is the same. You are clearly categorising 'lots of' state school parents in one box based on your own personal experience.

Yes, I also think they’ve hung onto their childhood a bit longer. That is only based on watching their peers from their primary school as they grow up through our local state secondary schools.

There's a tendency to over generalise on both sides of this discussion. The reality is that there are good, bad and ok schools in both sectors and stereotyping either doesn't really help anyone. Even those of us who have direct experience of both private and state schools probably only have knowledge of at most a handful of them, and you really can't extrapolate enough from that to judge two large and heterogeneous groups.
The question should be not "is state or private better for my child" but "which of the specific schools potentially open to me would suit my child best". And the very things that make a particular school brilliant for one family may be negatives for others. Quite a few of the things that are often quoted as advantages of private schools were amongst the reasons why we moved our DC to state in fact. Take extra curricular activities for example. Yes, there were lots but at the particular private schools available to us they weren't things my DC really wanted to do, and they were more or less compulsory so school ate into family life and hobbies a lot. We wanted to be doing different things with that time, so it wasn't a good fit for us, hence we left and found somewhere that suited us better. For us, that was the local state school, but had the other local independents been different it might have been one of them. That doesn't mean that I think that the first school was bad, or that their activities were "wrong" - just wrong for us.
My advice would always be to look at every option without preconceptions and if things don't work out how you imagined don't be afraid to move if you are able to. And remember that it's always a privilege to have choice.

Of course not, but it's certainly a danger I'd be aware of if I were looking into boys' private schools, especially religious and/or boarding schools. It would be foolish to ignore this.

Of course they'll be happier! Implicitly or explicitly they are being told that they are better than other kids because their parents have money. What kid wouldn't love that?!

Demonstrate you know absolutely nothing about private schools without explicitly saying you know nothing about private schools!

I mean, I hear you, but how exactly would you 'look into it'? It's not the kind of thing they put in the prospectus.

'Looking into boys' private schools' as in, choosing a school. No idea how you'd investigate such, but personally I'd be wary of boarding schools and church organisations and scouts and other places with reputations for sexual abuse!

Oh ok. You made it sound as though you'd be just casually checking that there was no sexual abuse as a norm! I mean, it's not something you are likely to find out. Presumably you mean you wouldn't send your ds to either the scouts or a boarding school

Ofcourse bullying exists everything. What actions the schools are taking is what makes the difference. Our state doesn't have ressources to deal with all the bullying ; it's too much of it. In our private even small things gets highlighted: meetings with parents, plan of action, suspension if nothing helps. I have seen both schools dealing with problems and I can't say the staff at state don't try, it's just that it's too much of it to handle...

You said 'lots', which is a massive generalisation, and generalisations are a bit limited in thinking

We just moved DS13 from state to private for the education/behaviour at his state school was awful.

He was happy at the state school and had friends, played sport, was form captain etc. Being unhappy was not a driving factor in the move at all.

However, he is buzzing with positivity from how much he is enjoying his new school. The attention he's getting, more sport, the extra curricular - he's so enthusiastic and grabbing every opportunity. Chats away to us every evening about what he's being doing.

So yes, I would say my son is happier at private school than he was at state.

bullying exists everything. What actions the schools are taking is what makes the difference. Our state doesn't have ressources to deal with all the bullying ; it's too much of it. In our private even small things gets highlighted: meetings with parents, plan of action, suspension if nothing helps. I have seen both schools dealing with problems and I can't say the staff at state don't try, it's just that it's too much of it to handle...

Interesting. Because at my DD’s private school, they don’t want to admit the bullying exists. Much easier to sweep it under the carpet than have to confront a set of parents and upset them, thereby risking the removal of their fees. And - besides - their school is marvellous. That doesn’t happen here…..

small class sizes, a tight knit community and plenty of one to one attention from teachers was very beneficial

Plenty of state schools have all of this, in abundance! DD's fabulous school has all of it! I'm always amazed by how many TA's they have and a small class size in big rooms and the tight knit community! The headteacher is, in no uncertain terms, simply wonderful.... She's like a mother to every single child. I don't know what horror stories you've read about state schools but it certainly doesn't apply to the ones we've come across! You must live in an awful area if they're like that around you?

As plenty of state schools would be....

Honestly quite amused by all the posts on here, pontificating about how they're paying for all these unique and 'excellent qualities' which are all qualities you'll find in any decent state school!! All qualities which my DD has in her frankly, wonderful primary. I'd genuinely, 100% pay tens of thousands for her to attend the school she's at if it wasn't a state school and that's the truth. Really good state primaries do exist! Can’t speak to state secondary schools though as we're not there yet. However...,

As I've described on here before, I live in area populated by both supposedly highly regarded & prestigious private schools (ones which also board and have helipads.. So not your basic private schools!) and some truly brilliant state schools.

However, when taking my child to birthday parties locally or really any local event, there's always some private kids in attendance and every, single, time* I'm horrified by the behaviour of pure arrogance & lack of respect portrayed by the privately educated children. To the point where I can tell which kids are & which aren't at the 'prestigious' private schools.

Surely if they were so much better then the children would know how to behave in public and would show others respect? We're not talking your basic tantrum - after all, any parent of any standing who claims their child never had a public tantrum is lying their socks off! - I'm referring to out & out shitty, bratty & disrespectful behaviour. Pushing staff members out of the way, kicking adults as they walk past, spitting at everyone including babies & other parents, swearing like you've never heard, pushing into queues, grabbing & breaking other kids belongings etc etc. Just awful. Yes of course kids from state schools are no angels but I've personally never seen worse than that of the private kind.

Of course I'll be declared as a complete liar or that I'm exaggerating the truth by other posters on here, but all of the above is my experience and it's completely & totally put me off privately educating my own DC.

My ds is much happier, he struggles socially and was getting bullied at state, there have been issues at private too, but he has found some nice friends. Dd thrived at state, she’s the sort of kid school is made for and has a great group of friends. I don’t think she would have enjoyed the school ds is in, although the prep part of it does look gorgeous (we would not have been able to afford much more that the 3 years we are funding for ds). I think it very much depends on the school and the child. DS tells me 2 boys in his year have been expelled this year, there’s a bonus that disruptive kids can be quickly removed but for those kids it must be pretty awful..

We are moving DC out of their private school. He is ND in a way they are not set up for and they have sent v strong message that it is not the right fit. They have v hugh expectations of v young kids and move to v formal learning and v rigid discipline fast,

how Would you define “lots”? Half of class? 1/3 of class or “1/4” of a class? From classroom interaction point of view, 1/3 would be “lots” to have a negative impact on the rest.

However, it is also not surprising the general lack of aspiration of working hard to do really well in school, given there are lots of career choices offer very good life standard, which is not a bad thing itself!

Not where we are. We live in a lovely area but it’s a capital city so primaries are inevitably big and oversubscribed. Our closest is an excellent school with very good results but it’s absolutely massive - 60 kids per school year is too much at that age in my opinion.

I never spoke a word about horror stories from state schools - you’re projecting. In fact you’ll be glad to know that DD did indeed go to a state grammar post-primary which is highly renowned for being one of the best schools in the country. I chose the best option for my child in her early years, apologies if that seems to trigger and offend you.