If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

[Palmollive]

That they are happier because of it?

I don’t care about exam results or what job dd will get etc. I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

I know several men who were raped repeatedly at private school growing up. By teachers or fellow students. They are all alcoholics, all have failed marriages.

I can't extrapolate from that to assume everyone who went to private school had that experience

This is kind of a silly question OP. Kids can be happy or sad regardless of their school. I went to a prestigious private school with some of the meanest girls I’ve ever known. All my friends were from the local state school. some of the kids in my year have turned out to be some of the most screwed up and miserable people I know. My DH went to a prestigious boys private school where there was rampant sexual abuse (one teacher currently serving a 15 year sentence) and was bullied mercilessly. Admittedly it has negatively affected our view of private schools.

I chose to send my 2 to a good state school. Are they happy? Yes, as happy as you can expect 2 teenagers to be. Would they be happier in private? Who knows? Would the sacrifices we would have to make as a family to send them private increase or decrease their happiness? We would have to work longer hours so less time together, we would not be able to travel as much so less opportunity to see the world. They would probably have more academic pressure - seeing them being pushed to do well academically might make me happy as a paying parent but my kids less happy. Happiness is multi faceted and entirely subjective therefore the whole thing is nonsensical.

"Are state schools that bad in UK?"

The one my children go to isn't, you'd think it was Beirut reading this thread sometimes 🤣.

Can you elaborate a bit on that please? What did their school do so well and how do you know they wouldn’t have got similar guidance in state school?

our ds has just excelled at his GCSEs and chosen to stay at his state Sixth form where there are a huge amount of opportunities available. I did look at some private schools for sixth form but as our closest is far too small (unable to field sports teams) he would have had to board and drop one if his favourite hobbies. To be honest there was nothing that stood out about any of the privates that I looked at, and in most cases a smaller choice of subjects. Perhaps I missed a key aspect - the guidance in personal development, but the schools certainly didn’t highlight this as a particular strength of theirs or key difference to his current school.

My state school educated daughter excelled throughout her school career, got all As, and is now at St Andrews which is up there with Oxbridge as one of the UK's best (and hardest to get into). She also has lots of friends and extracurricular activities, including drama, in which she's also done really well.

Not to sound like I'm bragging, but just to illustrate that state school education has done her no harm whatsoever and indeed has been a great thing.

Well done to your dd. Four got into Oxbridge from our local state, but that doesn't change the fact it was a miserable place for my dc.

Yes of course, and I'm sorry they had that difficult time. Just giving my own experience. Of course it's all anecdotal and everyone has their own story of what worked for them or didn't, for multiple reasons.

They maybe happier at private school but that is only 13 years of their life.

If you took the cost of the fees and saved it in an account with a decent interest rate by the end of that 13 years you would have a very sizeable chunk which could lead to lifelong financial security if they buy a home outright. That would lead to less stress and overall happiness for their entire lives.

Those 13 years are absolutely formative though.

Or you see if you can do both. In any event, 13 years of school is about 1/6 of a persons life - and will be more for a significant number. (it’s also about 1/5 of what you will actually have any memory of).

It’s worth maximising happiness and opportunity during that time.

I could not disagree with the ‘only 13 years of your life’ more. Those that experience trauma in their childhood - for whatever reason - are much more likely to go onto develop MH conditions as an adult. They form 95% of the patient cohort I treat. Suddenly developing MH difficulties on the back of a happy, supportive childhood is far less common

I am not for a single second suggesting that anyone needs fees for private education in order for their child to be happy. As the posts above show, positive and negative outcomes occur in both sectors. But the greatest gift you can give your child is as happier childhood as possible - it is far more valuable than any financial gift.

@morechocolateneededtoday of course a happy childhood is key but just because they go to state school doesn't mean they will be unhappy. And presumably OP isn't willingly exposing her children to traumatic environments and they aren't being bought up in a DV or addictive household in which case their chances of not developing MH issues (outside of genetics) is good. The vast majority of children have a great time at state Primary. Secondary school is trickier.

Perhaps it would be better for the OP to go state till Secondary and keep a chunk of money for supporting DC to financial stability later in life

Our kids have had a wonderful time at their school - I consider it money well spent.
But, our state options are dire. It all depends what your alternatives are.

Agree. Someone upthread described how their ‘quiet, sensitive and calm’ child would have been ‘broken’ at a state school. My child was/is like this and has in no way been broken. He’s thrived if anything. He’s 17 btw.
What this thread does tell you is that MN definitely skews towards the better off going by the number of replies.

We don’t have a good enough state choice to go to, so we opted for private. If you have a great state school to go to then that’s a good thing, esp if your ds already doing well.

@CreateUserNames I get that, what I’m interested in is what your dc’s school did so well to guide in personal development, not just knowledge.

As I said, I don’t for a second believe state school results in unhappiness. Exposure to DV and addiction are not the only things that make a childhood unhappy or lead to poor MH. Everyone has different limits on what they consider as traumatic and something as simple as school being overwhelming can trigger a child and have a lifelong impact.

We all know our own child best and what is likely to be the best outcome for them. I just don’t agree that giving them a chunk of cash is superior to spending it on their childhood. In my eyes, spending it (appropriately) on their childhood will result in a child with a good base and earning potential which will stay with them for life. We can always make more money if we have the basis from a young age

There’s bullying at every school, private and state. I’d always be suspicious of a school that says it doesn’t have any bullying.

Yes. Smaller classes and kids from families who, more often than in the local high school, are aspirational.

My kids love state school.

Unless your local schools are crap, I don't know why you think yours won't be happy? State primarys are nothing to be scared of. Most young kids are lovely, regardless of economic background.

Visit the schools and see how they feel. Don't be hoodwinked by fancy facilities, instead ask about approach to behaviour, homework, see the kids and teachers and see what you think

Yes but it's a SEN school. Smaller classes and smaller school means everyone knows him very well. Pastoral staff that aren't dealing with every failing in society and with the funding to cope.theres no feeling they are doing us a massive favour either..

At state it was all very " every other parent has to wait years for help, your screwing the system/ agressive / unreasonable expecting the send code of practice and children's and families act to apply to you". That stopped. If there's a problem in normal invited to see the head with 14 hours. My son isn't a headache for the school, he's the pride of the school. Therefore he is valued and has self worth.

I'd say it depends on the school, why you go there and your circumstances too. SEN levels the millionaires and LA funded kids at our school. Most of the parents are vastly wealthy and we aren't. In a traditional private school that might be a issue but maybe not. Ds knows he is one of the poorest pupils and he doest have a dad with a amazing job.

Not having enough money to send DC to private school and choosing local state doesn't make parents any less aspirational. Believe it or not, not everyone has an extra 30k a year.

Lots of state school parents are the very opposite of aspirational.

Wow. Yes, some aren't but some very much are. I went to a failing comprehensive in a very deprived area. Many of my fellow classmates have gone on to have extremely impressive careers.

@tarquinskeys good grief I didn't say they weren't.

My dad was hugely aspirational and went to a really terrible state school until he left aged 13. He worked his arse off for us to have better.

i was very careful to say "on the whole" because I realise parents at state school can be aspirational.