If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

[Palmollive]

That they are happier because of it?

I don’t care about exam results or what job dd will get etc. I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

Yes, he's much happier. The school can support him in certain areas where he excels (things like being in older classes and weekly lessons 1-2-1 with the head of the subject). Our friends have a similar kid and he's so bored at school.

He also excels at a sport and half his club get bullied at their state schools for doing it and don't admit to it. At his school his classmates are proud of him for it.

Second born is still young and a very different animal so not sure it'll have quite the same benefits in terms of happiness for him.

“Resilient” being “masking their sensory overload and ADHD/autism until they hit burnout”?

I don’t want my child to become resilient through bullying, excessive noise and their school being unable to accommodate their disability.

Private schools gather up and nurture many children who state schools fail to support. That’s not necessarily the state schools fault - they don’t have the funding, staff or resources to handle the more extreme ends of the ‘normal’ curve.

It would be far better to have many different models of state school and enough variety and free choice that we can actually access them, but the government needs to built that proactively. I wont sacrifice my child to someone else’s ideology.

Yes, definitely - she has ADHD and mental health issues. Only moved because of the smaller class sizes - moved knowing it was likely she would have lower grades than if she had of stayed in her grammar school but preferred her to be happy and feel under less pressure.
Yes, there are private schools that push their kids for top grades - but there are also private schools who value a child's mental health over and above grades so look for one of these.

The happiest adults I know are the ones who had supportive and engaged parents and who went to comprehensive schools where they did well.

So I think that private school might increase a child's happiness (or future happiness) if they are not thriving in a particular state school, but that equally, private schools can come with pressures and expectations which can lead to unhappiness in a child who would be very happy in a state school.

There isn't a one size fits all for schooling. There are some terrible state schools and some terrible private schools around. Some in both sectors that place a huge emphasis on wellbeing, and some that have a sink or swim attitude. Staff from most of my closest independent schools have been imprisoned in recent years for sexually assaulting pupils, as have staff from some of the states schools. Choice of school can definitely have an influence on a child's happiness, but the right (or wrong) school for a child might need found in either sector. These things can even go completely against what you worked expect - DD is thriving in a large anonymous sixth form college where she is responsible for herself in a way that she didn't in a school environment where she was more closely known and monitored.

@Chipsintheair I do agree with you. My high school in the 90s was rubbish in the sense of there were disruptive kids, some teachers were not great and there was bullying. I 'survived' and went on to do A levels and university. I too massively worried about the same for my DC so I moved to an area with outstanding/good state schools. The same school I went to had a massive refurb in the noughties and is amazing (got rid of the rubbish headteacher too) and I always joke to my DC about what it used to be like. However, my main point is, yes I am lucky to now live in an area with good state schools but from some attitudes here it gives the impression that all state schools are rife with disruption and bullying which gives some parents with no option to pay, a false feeling of anxiety and that they're doing a massive disservice to their kids.
If I can't afford a Ferrari but can only afford a VW I am not gonna stress and fret that I really want a Ferrari. Instead I will see that there are great VW options, good and bad, and do my best to find the right one that suits me without tarnishing all with the same brush. (And yes I realise comparing education to a car is crap but there you go 😂).

It depends on the child /school
I went to private school originally and hated it, all the children were really avaricious and competitive.
My parent's were wealthy but not into "keeping up with the Jones's" and I just didn't share the same values as my peers. The atmosphere was pretty toxic and whoever's dad was richest was "queen bee".

I went to a state grammar and was much happier and found friendship group who shared the same values.

I also had a friend who wasn't wealthy but got a scholarship place at private school and was really unhappy the whole time because she was so conscious how different her home life was.

I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

I don't think it's possible to say that either sector is more likely to achieve happiness than the other. The one thing that you definitely do improve if you can pay for private is the ability to choose. That means that you are more likely to be able to pick a school that suits your child, whether that is state or private. It also means that you are more likely to be able to find a good alternative for a child who is miserable, or being failied, in the school where they are. As a result, you are likely to find lots of parents who do say that they have managed to find a private school that makes their child happier than their previous state school, but that's largely because they've been able to choose the school rather than simply because it's private. Of course, some of the factors that make some children happier are more likely to be found in private schools (small classes, lots of sport/music etc) but the converse is also true of some childen and some state schools (local schools with good links to community etc). Fundamentally I would say it's about being able to find the best environment for your child rather than deciding that one sector is better than the other.

This is so sad to read. If there’s one time we should be nurturing, guiding and giving attention, it is childhood. I don’t want my young child to be forced to learn resilience through fighting for teacher’s attention over disruptive children. I don’t want them to be strong because they overcame others teasing or bullying them because they are bright and want to learn what is being taught.

Small classes with adult attention is what EVERY child should have. They should all be nurtured and encouraged to do their best and treated like they are important. We are all brainwashed into believing that sticking them in a huge class of 30 and forcing a curriculum on them is the way forward

Resilience will still come if they are secure and cared for.

This. Every single word.

I think it depends a lot on your state options.

There are schools where competent clever kids are ignored because the trouble makers take up so much air and school chasing league tables where struggling children are sidelined also the unicorn schools that meet everyone’s needs. Most kids are happy at private schools because their parents have chosen one that works for them.

This is true
It wasn't so much that I thought my DC would be happy at Private but I was pretty sure that they wouldn't be happy at the only State option we had for various reasons - and it wasn't an assumption I know the State school very well and even took advice on it from staff there who know my DC

Mine has never been in state so I'm not sure whether he would have been ok or not.

But, he's a sensitive soul who I thought would benefit from a calmer more nurturing environment. I went to look around our local state when he was in nursery and it was bloody loud, chaotic, numerous children being taken out of classes to take their rage out in a padded room etc. I knew it wasn't for him (or us)

He has always been very content at prep, it just suits him. I'm not paying for stellar grades, I'm paying for the environment and his happiness.

My kids are sensitive, kind and calm, and thrive in state school.

I'm happy your state school is good. Ours isn't, not because of the teachers but because there are so many students with behaviourial problems (not SEN) who rule the school.

He’s been there since preschool, in reception now, but he’s loud boisterous happy popular and engaged. I know he wouldn’t have been at state school because he has adhd and would probably have been written off as disruptive and attention seeking like many adhd boys do: the smaller class sizes really help him.

We have kids with behavioural issues at our school too, but being sensitive kind and calm doesn't mean you can't handle them, infact it helps.

Yep so I have one in year 10 state school and one just started y7 private.

Y10 in state is a high flyer, conscientious learner, stable group of friends etc and wouldn't have gone elsewhere if we'd offered. Her school is a large secondary, part of a multi academy trust. They're very strict, (sometimes about ridiculous things) and I don't think particularly supportive to any children who don't fit the mould. DD is fairly happy, and is achieving there, but I wouldn't say it's arming her with a love of learning. i think she'll do well in GCSEs.

Y7 in private needs more help, isn't as self sufficient, and had friends at primary school, but wasn't as settled in friendship groups as his sister.

So far (3 weeks in) he seems very happy, has made friends and we are finding the slightly more nurturing environment of his new school welcoming. It's very early days, but I'm feeling positive about it.

Ofcourse you can handle them. That's what my DS did in state elementary. But come secondary and I wish for him to be focused on learning rather than dealing with rude kids who disturbs the lessons with shitty behaviour and lack of respect towards the teachers and other students. But each to their own.

Private parents are paying for education instead of taking up a free place for a multitude of reasons. People like to think it's because of snobbery or to gain academic advantage but the most common reason is for their child's happiness. It's perhaps the hardest one to bear because it's not an option for so many people. It's only common sense really that children would be happier in a school with huge amounts of resource and a rich extracurricular offering. Children need to move their bodies and private schools in general offer all kinds of sports, forest school (for all ages), swimming multiple times a week etc. They provide a far more nutritious lunch and snacks. They provide less stressed teachers who get longer holidays and smaller classes who can actually focus on the emotional development of their classes. They aren't stuck in crowd control mode. If a child isn't happy at a private school or that school is badly run the parents vote with their feet.

Yep I was the same in sixth form. It was such a relief not to have any pressure from the teachers to be perfect, and to have people in my class who liked the same music and clothes as me and weren’t just horse-mad.

This is purely anecdotal, I have no experience myself of private schools, but one of DD's friends went for a year, hated it and begged to be allowed back to her old state school (which she did do, was extremely successful, and is now at a top uni with my DD).

I wasn't happy at private school because it just wasn't a good fit for me

The children still were capable of bullying (I wasn't bullied but a close friend was bullied badly by some mean girls). The teachers at my state school were much nicer (and better teachers by and large too).

I had plenty of opportunity for nice food at home and thrived once I was at a state school (topped up by tutors, music lessons, sailing lessons and horse riding). Got into Cambridge and got a highly sought after career.

My brother went to private school and was probably happier there but he switched to state for sixth form (just because they had the subject combo he wanted) and was shocked that there wasn't the pervasive drugs problem that there had been at his private school.

My youngest brother refused to go to private because he didn't like the longer journey. he had a huge group of friends, got on really well with his teachers and never once questioned his choice. He's the most successful of the three of us. Both nationally successful in his chosen sport and professionally phenomenally successful.

It's just not a binary. I would send my children to private if I felt they weren't thriving but a the moment they are really happy at school, and we have heaps of spare money for hobbies, holidays and saving for house deposits for them.

I agree its a privilege to have the full range of choices, but the right choice won't always be private. Round here private schools are either very much non-academic (and my children are very bright) or are in the centre of cities with an unpleasant journey by train or road to get there

@iamtheblcksheep
My 3 children all go to state schools, 2 of them in secondary and they are never, ever rude to teachers and never will be! Neither are any of their friends or most of their peers in general! You get the odd kid who is rude/disruptive but there is usually a back story to this. It's a large secondary too not a cosy rural one if they even exist. I think threads like these give state schools a bad name but I honestly don't have a bad word to say about ours - the teachers are amazing and many have been teaching there for 30 odd years - they're not leaving to teach at Private schools!

I live in London, but my friends I was referring to who are affected by their state school experiences grew up in various areas: Devon, Wales, Leeds, Manchester, Sussex and some in other areas of London.