If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

[Palmollive]

That they are happier because of it?

I don’t care about exam results or what job dd will get etc. I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

I moved my younger DCs to a very child friendly prep because they were unhappy at our local (well regarded) state primary

My DC attend a fantastic state school. Well behaved happy pupils. They have wonderful groups of friends. Exam results better than local private school. Pastoral staff respond well to pupil concerns

Private school no guarantee of happiness

Did you anticipate the VAT change coming really well in advance (in time to sit the 11+) or did you manage to find a grammar that would accept them both /all into later years? Either way if they’ve only just moved it’s very early to expect them to have fully adjusted to a new school environment. Many kids in new schools won’t have settled yet.

@Palmollive Your question is too simplistic. Those in private schools are likely to be from more affluent homes with everything that entails. Surely that in itself is likely to bring happiness.

Our dc have been through state school and are both very happy. I don’t purely attribute that to their school, though it has definitely helped.

DC (ASD) just stated at private school. The difference in him is remarkable. Absolutely no weigh I'd pay out all this money if wasnt making a huge difference

Yes, without a doubt. My ds was made utterly miserable at state primary over being good at maths and science, over PE, over wanting to read books at lunchtime.
I moved him to his current school where they were brilliant, supported him with PE, undid the damage, taught him to enjoy sport. He doesn't get bullied for liking maths or science, he has friends. There is no nastiness. Five years later he is a different boy. Has just started 3 stem a'levels.

It definitely depends on the individual school and the child.

I have no comparator.
my DD is very happy at private. I know a lot of kids at our catchment school and have no doubt she’d be happy there too.
The things that truly light her up though (sport and music) would be less available/expected. We made the choice due to wraparound care, and feel very fortunate that it’s worked out so well.
All schools are different though. There are almost 200 in her year group. A small school would not have suited her at all.

Yes. Unquestionably. She was bullied and socially isolated at her state secondary school for 2 years. She was deeply unhappy and would often come home in tears. We had endless meetings with the school but it never got better. She would eat lunch on her own, spend break times hiding in toilets, stopped putting herself forward to do anything that could mark her out.

She has now been at her private school for 2 years and to say she’s thriving would understate it. She is happy, well-liked, respected and she feels able to be her fabulous quirky, geeky self. Her confidence is coming back (although the damage done to her self-esteem will take years to properly undo, if it ever will be).

I just read a story in the telegraph newspaper of a girl who went to a really good private school, her and her brother were mercilessly bullied to the extent her brother hit the bottle at 15 and they both attempted suicide multiple times. Despite this she still seemed sure she would of had an even worse time in state school despite never having been to a state school so how would she know?!

Yes. Our local state school is failing and parent leaving, kids unhappy. My two are thriving at private school, they have a small class and are so happy. It’s not easy financially but worth it for us.

DD was very happy at a private school until GCSEs. Her sixth-form experience was soooo mixed; she was socially very unhappy but she got to study a combination of subjects she enjoyed passionately which aren't offered in any local state school (Classics). I still don't know whether she would have been happier elsewhere (she's now at uni and pretty positive about life).

DS has absolutely blossomed at the same private school, but he does a zillion extra-curriculars and is applying for Oxbridge. No regrets there at all.

Horses for courses, though!

My nieces at private secondary have a 40% incidence of hospital diagnosed eating disorder in their year. It's a toxic pressure cooker and you couldn't pay me to send mine there.

It is very difficult to say as you can't go back in time and do it all again.

My sister was happy at her private school, I was happy at the state. She has been teaching in state for 24 years (with her Masters from Durham, just to counter the 'private school teachers are so much better')

I have one child in private and one in state. Child in private is shy and introverted and this environment works well . Child in state is more confident and robust and is thriving. The state school is outstanding, has excellent facilities and a very holistic approach to education and wellbeing. Both children are happy and their schools meet their individual needs.

True Lana del Ray nailed in her song "boarding school"

My DS Loves school which is amazing because at state primary he always said he was bored. I think it helps that he gets to choose some of the activities and they do a lot of sports like surfing and climbing. Our local state secondary is huge and are lucky if they get to do PE twice a week. I like that his school spend afternoons focusing on physical learning (eg science experiments) related to the mornings lessons.

I mean, I will have a weird perspective because my wider family is all private school/boarding school and I went to a state school.

I went to a village state school in the middle of nowhere, ran by a hippie, no real curriculum and two kids in each year. I had the loveliest, happiest time at school. It was so much fun. Most of my time was spent out in nature, painting or writing.

My mum went to a private school and hated it (why she didn't send us), my cousins all went private and didn't particularly like it, one was bullied. I know boarders in the family who were sexually abused by teachers (so they obviously absolutely hated it).

So I'm gonna say state schools make you happier. But really it depends on the school - I have no experience of a failing City state school.

I'd say it's nothing to do with whether it's state or private, just pick a school with a lovely culture. A lot of private schools focus on academics and are less focused on a lovely, wholesome culture, imo.

Mine was reasonably content at private pre prep. Then covid hit and messed up a lot. She liked school but it’s hard to settle if you’re in one week and out the next.

She was then quite happy for years 4&5 at state primary, if somewhat bored, but the wheels fell off for year 6 and she was bored, miserable and lonely.

She is now at an academically selective private secondary and it’s like she’s come back to life. She chatters on about her new day and is into everything. Extended family members have commented on it, it’s that much of a difference.

It all depends on the kid, the school, the cohort, and wider things impacting on the community. Do what seems right for your child.

I mean, obviously that's not true of all state schools or all state pupils. It's genuinely just flat out offensive and stupid.

My DS has had an overwhelmingly positive experience in pre prep/prep and now Senior school. There are so many opportunities for music, art, drama and sport and the facilities are amazing. He has a great friendship group, and there are very very few disruptive pupils so learning in small classes is fun and interactive.

I think he will look back on his school days with a huge amount of positivity and pride, so for that alone, it’s been worth every penny.

I think its very difficult to answer. There is no guarantee of happiness in either and it really depends upon lots of factors, your child's personality, their needs, the teachers, the classmates and the school itself. What I do know is if it isn't working you can change things.
My son is almost 4 with a high functioning ASD profile. We are abroad and in the last 12 months he has moved from creche to a montessori preschool, to a small English preschool and now finally an International preschool. What we learned is that the montessori school was the wrong setting with zero pastoral support and in the space of 4 months DS became miserable, withdrawn and a school refuser. Why? Because he is was overwhelmed in a big class, not enough supervision, a couple of bullies, his native language was not widely spoken, the set up was too rigid, no toys, school only wanted NT kids etc. We moved him to the small English preschool & saw him immediately change, he was happy again, thriving. Why? Because he was in class with 2 teachers and more often than not less than 10 kids, a personalised approach - weekly teaching themes related to child's interests, passionate teachers (privately owned business), lovely classmates and parents, visibly learning something new every day. It was incredible. Unfortunately they only provide teaching for kids at preschool age so we had to move him to the international school where he is now and which he loves. Honestly, its a mixed bag. We moved him there because they welcome SEN students & have onsite psychologists, occupational therapists and all the pastoral support. I instantly knew when i wemt to visit it that he would be happy there - amazing playground, big classrooms, lovely teachers, amazing facilities and huge array of extracurricular support, forest area etc - focus on outdoor play. On the one hand I have a huge sense of relief knowing my DS is happy, not refusing school, accessing mainstream education without any intervention at present, making friends and I would pay for it no matter what it costs. But we felt we had no choice but to send our son here because of his ASD diagnosis and knowing that state schools here do not have adequate SEN provision and our DS would not cope well in an environment not in his native language. I don't love his current school, i'm not convinced on it long term but I know its the best place for my son right now.
My advice is - you know your child best, visit the school get a feel for it, what environment does your child need to thrive. And if it doesn't work out, you can always change things.

If course they aren’t. They vary hugely. I’ve had kids in both sectors at primary and secondary. One was unhappy at private prep and happier at state, one adored his excellent state school and o couldn’t have bought him a better education and one loved prep and private sixth form and didn’t love the state school. She’s autistic and needed the pastoral care of the private school.

My DDs are at a selective private school and they both hate it. The younger one has been bullied and is utterly miserable - and the school faffs and obfuscates and won’t do anything about it for fear of losing any sets of fees. So it very much depends on the school!

Exactly. Mine is blissfully happy in a really lovely nurturing state primary, but would probably be similarly happy in many nurturing private schools. Definitely wouldn’t be happy in a hothouse prep (clever but huge perfectionist and quite anxious about doing well and making his teacher happy). Also wouldn’t be happy in a state school with a lot of disruptive kids or bullying, but that’s not really something you see much of at primary level these days, at least not locally (I accept it is a problem in many secondaries).

I went to a very academically pressured convent school, and absolutely thrived on being pushed. DS definitely wouldn’t. I also definitely wouldn’t be happy with him doing the amount of homework that I was doing at his age (two hours a night aged 8). All kids are different.

Yes my daughter loves her school and is very happy there

I asked mine (now grown) if they were glad they went or would they rather have gone to the large local (crappy at the time) state school where a number of their friends were. They said no regrets they preferred the smaller private. They went to the state primary and were glad they did that first. Not that any of that means anything to other children.