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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

419 replies

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 22:10

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

OP posts:
BananaSplitSandwich · 25/09/2024 07:39

Agree with previous posters. If you decide to carry on with this, then say that you will be in the car at XX time. If she’d like to join you for a lift, then fine, if not you’ll assume she doesn’t want a lift and you’ll be leaving. Don’t wait in the car at all. XX time is when the engine goes on and you drive off.

At the moment you’re allowing yourself to be walked all over.

WaltzingWaters · 25/09/2024 07:40

I cannot believe this! What an entitled cow. You should just be blunt and say it’s not working for you anymore. But I know that’s difficult sometimes, so “a change in circumstances, I now have to pick my children up from elsewhere/go to supermarket after work/popping in to do whatever so won’t be able to continue with the lifts”.

Violetparis · 25/09/2024 07:40

Send her a text the night before saying you are giving her advance warning that you need to leave at 5.00 on the dot from now on and if she's not ready by then you'll assume she is making her own way home. Then, just leave at 5.00.

Bunnycat101 · 25/09/2024 07:41

Can it altogether. The timing is bad enough but the fact she vaped in your car despite you asking her not to is an absolute deal breaker for me. You have small children- the effects of vaping (while better than cigarettes) are unknown. You are allowing her to ride absolute rough shod over your own boundaries.

Violetparis · 25/09/2024 07:42

Are your other colleagues aware of what is going on ?

imustbeanidiot · 25/09/2024 07:42

You need to stand up for yourself this week. I would send a message;

"Sharon, just to let you know, after this week I can no longer give you lifts home."

If she asks why, you answer once only, to say, you have other commitments (you do not need to get drawn into the whys and what's), and your husband and kids don't want vaping in the car.

Repeat ad infinitum. She is treating you like a personal chauffeur.

You have to stop being treated like her doormat.

pestowithwalnuts · 25/09/2024 07:42

Fuffing heck...id be so grateful for a lift home that id be ready on the dot. . After all you are doing her a big favour..So how rude is she..? She's taking the piss here because you let her...
Big girl pants on OP...your kids matter more than than her .

YeFaerieBean · 25/09/2024 07:47

I find people take more offence at the “tone” you use when imparting news that is disadvantageous to them

  • send email (in calm tone) - Doris, going forward, please be by my car at 5, if you would like a lift

Then at 5 walk calmly and steadily to the car and drive off

Littlemisscapable · 25/09/2024 07:56

Oh you lost me at the vaping in the car. Immediately stop giving her lifts ever again...this won't end well whatever you tell her. Dont bother saying about the vaping/being late. She will just continue to irritate you day after day. You have too much on.

Thunderlegs · 25/09/2024 08:01

This woman is going to make a horrible manager, no matter what you do now. She is so selfish and thoughtless. Make a note of what is going on, address it cheerfully and forcefully (sorry Zoe, this doesn't work for me any more. I have other obligations so I won't be able to drive you anymore). Wait to see how it plays out as line manager. If she is difficult you remember that SHE is the problem and raise it with her manager or HR. One word about bullying should shut her up quickly enough.

Thursdaygirl · 25/09/2024 08:02

pestowithwalnuts · 25/09/2024 07:42

Fuffing heck...id be so grateful for a lift home that id be ready on the dot. . After all you are doing her a big favour..So how rude is she..? She's taking the piss here because you let her...
Big girl pants on OP...your kids matter more than than her .

Edited

This! I wouldn’t dream of making someone wait if they were giving me a lift!

Victoriancat · 25/09/2024 08:04

I would just go, if you want a lift you leave when the person giving you the lift wants to go.

IWantKateGarrawaysHair · 25/09/2024 08:08

YABU

  1. to put her want a lift before your children's time with you
  2. to post such an obvious question not realise she is taking you for a mug
  3. to let the possibility of her being your line manager to allow her to treat you like a chauffer
  4. if you dont get a backbone and sort this ridiculous situation out today
user1471538283 · 25/09/2024 08:09

She vapes in your car without permission and you've asked her not to? And then she makes you wait? This is disrespect and contempt. She sees you as beneath her.

I'd tell her you cannot give her a lift any longer.

Maria1979 · 25/09/2024 08:11

Just tell her you need to rush home and if she wants to have a lift she needs to be ready or you will have to go without her. She's very rude. If someone offered me a lift I would be sure to hurry up, offer money towards gas and if declined by some nice chocolates. I would also offer to help you out with something work or kids related. She is a cf.

rainfallpurevividcat · 25/09/2024 08:11

I used to have to leave work dead on 5pm to get a train and get home for childcare. At one point I had a boss who would always want to speak to me at that time. It wasn't as if he had been in meetings all day, he'd been in the office right there at another desk and he wasn't even particularly busy.

saltysandysea · 25/09/2024 08:11

You appreciate when she becomes your line manager this type of behaviour will continue. She is exceptionally rude to keep you waiting and she would not be vaping in my car.

boundaries (firm but polite) ones are needed here.

ilovesushi · 25/09/2024 08:13

Just let her know you are leaving at whatever time on the dot. You have to get home to your family. Job done. I occasionally give a lift home to one of my colleagues and to be honest I really like it as it's a long journey and I like her company. But I once found myself waiting about about 30 minutes because she was catching up with colleagues - all young and single with no pressing needs to get to the supermarket, drive children to activities, put a wash on etc etc. I just ended up saying politely I will have to go now leaving it to her to come or not. I'm now very clear about when I'm leaving. Just be very clear and go whhether she is ready or not, or you will be a nervous wreck.

ttcat37 · 25/09/2024 08:13

“Can I have a lift tonight?”
”No because you always make me late”

Tiredofthewhirring · 25/09/2024 08:14

Just text her, tell her you'll be leaving at X time on the dot every day and that you've banned vaping in your car.

If she becomes your manager and is unkind to you then you withdraw the lifts completely and complain to senior managers

ilovesushi · 25/09/2024 08:15

Missed the vaping in the car! The lifts stop now!

Whattheduck · 25/09/2024 08:17

How did she get home before you started working there ?
If she isn’t ready to leave when you are then if it was me I’d just leave regardless she sounds rude and entitled

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 25/09/2024 08:17

With your latest update I'd either tell her your kids activities have changed time slightly so it's now really tight. You will be leaving at X and won't be able to wait for her.

I know you shouldn't have to but it gives a reason for the change.

Or is there any flexibility in start and finish time? Could you move both forward slightly so it no longer works to take her home?

Cheeky sod vaping in your car.

FeralNun · 25/09/2024 08:18

She is an absolute prick, no question.

Put an end to it, right now. It will only become more difficult once she’s your manager (your manager?!). I’d also start looking elsewhere, in a low key way. Imagine her rudeness and entitlement when she imagines she can boss you about even more than she is now.

She sounds insufferable.

Busybeemumm · 25/09/2024 08:22

NumberNotRecognised · 25/09/2024 00:40

Hmm, the type of person who dismisses you asking her not to do something (vaping) in YOUR car, and deliberately makes you wait for her (she knows what she’s doing), when you are doing her a massive favour assumingly for no reciprocation (contribution to petrol/occasional cake?), is not the type of person who will take kindly to you validly pointing out that she is causing you inconvenience or you leaving her behind despite warning her you will do this.

She will hold a grudge which you don’t want if she’s going to be your line manager.

She’s a rude, entitled user who has no respect for you as a person or the favour you’re doing her.

You need to cut this off completely.

Tell her you can’t give her a lift anymore as you are going in a different direction. Relative/friend/childminder in another area is picking up DC from school from now on and you are picking them up from theirs before taking them straight to their activities.

If she happens to see your car going past her house, just say you realised you forgot something of DC’s they need at home so had rush back to grab it. Hopefully she’ll have a long journey home by public transport so won’t be back before you have been and left, or will find someone to use and lose interest in you!

This is excellent advice. She doesn't sound like the type who will take it well that you told her you are leaving at x time or that you just go without her despite assertively letting her know you need to leave. She sounds rude and entitled and she is making it clear that she is more powerful than you.

The only way out is to bend the truth to get out of the lifts and say you are not going straight home from now on. Say how sorry you are that you can no longer give her a lift.

Practice being assertive in the future if she is going to be your manager. You don't want to be asked to do work stuff just when you are about to leave. She clearly has no boundaries but you will need to set up your own with her.

Do it today and let us know how it went. We are all behind you. Good luck!