AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

[Supermummy88]

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

Just tell her you won't be giving her a lift any more. That's it - no explanation.

Doesn't matter if you will be reporting to her or not. She is an entitled bully and a user. If you continue driving her home, she will continue to stomp on your boundaries and she will get worse.

What you allow will continue. Just tell her no and don't give her a reason either.

I’m another one who wouldn’t wait. Be at my car at x or I will assume you are making your own way.

It is awkward that she will be your line manager in the future, but you can definitely make the rules here. Tell her you're leaving at 'x' time and that you will wait - in the car - until that time. Explain that if she isn't there at that time you will assume she mustn't need a lift home and that you will leave. And stick to it. She should definitely not be vaping in your car with or without the window open. I would be adamant about this. It is anti social at the very least. Personally I would be nauseous as I can't stand the sickly sweet smell (says the mother of a 16yo who thinks he can vape when out with his mates and that the smell will be gone by the time he gets home🙄)

I agree with the others. Start getting tough.

‘Hi Angela, Just to let you know, I’m leaving in five minutes, Meet you at the car.’ Then gather your stuff and go to the car. Wait five minutes then drive off.

I work in HR and this is a disaster waiting to happen.

She’s ignored your request to hurry up even though she’s making you late.
She vapes in your car even though you’ve asked her not to.

She’s about to become your line manager and so you don’t feel able to challenge this behaviour in the same way you would another colleague. This imbalance of power is unfair to you because you are worried about repercussions.

Don’t think for one second that she’s unaware of what she’s doing. She’s perfectly aware, and she doesn’t care. She’s aware of the power imbalance too and is using it to her advantage.

Just say you can’t give lifts any more. You don’t have to give a reason, but if she pushes make one up. Little Johnny has a new club. You aren’t going that way. You’ve got to make a stop on the way home. Very sorry but can’t do it any more.

I would definitely find a reason you can never give her a lift again. I agree with PP she's rude and a bully so warnings etc won't work.

Think of a watertight excuse - Little Bella is going to be at my friend's house in the opposite direction so I have to go there every night from now on. You'll never be asked again.

Think of it like this - she is making you miss nearly two hours of quality time with your kids every week….
you sound very kind and you don’t need to be rude about it , I was just say I’m so sorry but circumstances have changed and you can’t do lifts any more, but you’ll do them for the next week so she has chance to get herself sorted. She may be annoyed because she sounds incredibly rude and unreasonable but really you can’t control what others do - you can just be polite but assertive. Best of luck!

Fucking hell what am I reading OP?? Making you late and vaping in your car? About to be your boss?!

I know assertiveness is hard, I've been there, done that, got the team t-shirts, taken them home washed and ironed then and brought them back every week.

Life is infinitely better when you teach/cajole/force yourself to be assertive. That I can promise you.

"Sorry Marjorie, for family reasons as of next week I'll need to be leaving in the car by myself. Please make alternative arrangements".

No other apology, no explanation. If pressed:

"It's for family reasons."

If pressed:

"It's for family reasons I'm not going to get into. Thank you for respecting my privacy."

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

You can have some other stock phrases lined up if it helps too, like, "Oh well you're a very capable woman, I'm sure you'll figure our an alternative" and the stock mumsnet phrase, "no that doesn't work for me."

It sounds as if it would be better to stop the lifts.

Also curious as to how she gets there in the morning & home on the days you don't take her.

I had this, a pain, I just told them if they want a lift home be at my car at xxx time. After work I just got in my car and drove home, they got a lift if they were there.

now vaping too! Line manager or not that would be an absolute no from me- especially when you’ve shown you’re not keen- no more lifts ever!

So she's putting your health at risk as well. Anyone vaping in my car would be promptly kicked out.

She is being remarkably rude and entitled. If get lifts from people and I would dream of being late or nattering to other colleagues and delaying you leaving.
As for vaping when you have told her not too?!

Nip this in the bud and say no lifts - or leave in time and leave her behind.

The vaping would be the final straw for me, so bloody rude. Agree with the responses on here, you firmly but nicely tell her you are leaving at X time and there will be no vaping.

Vaping in your car without permission turns this instantly into a "nope" situation. She doesn't respect you as a fellow human. To her your existence is merely a prop for her convenience.

Tell her you aren't available to give lifts any more. You don't owe her an explanation but you can say you have to do errands on the way home now.

But if she's definitely going to be your boss I'd also be job hunting.

It sounds to me as though she is being difficult on purpose as a power play. This will ramp up even more when she becomes your line manager.

When she starts talking to people on the way out, do you just stand there waiting for her to finish? If so, I would say that you need to leave now and walk to your car and leave immediately.

I agree with another poster that you should join a union and unless you really love this job, start looking for something else.

I had this but in reverse. She worked in HR and looked up who lived near her, with a car, me.

She'd stand at my desk bang on 4.45, I worked in export and my customers often needed speaking to later in the day. She look daggers at me, if I was on the phone.

After I while I had enough and told her it wasn't working and to make her own way to and from work. She stopped speaking to me, which was a bonus, she was a moaning old bag.

"As you will soon be my line manager, it is not appropriate that you accept lifts from me. I am uncomfortable with this as it places me in a difficult position." I'm not saying that would work, but it's worth a try if nothing else will. I think she sounds awful and I would be looking for a new job before she becomes your manager.

Sod that.

Please say something to her for your own sanity.

You're dancing to her tune with her faffing around at the end of the day PLUS she vapes in your car?!!? Absolute NO!

(And she has no idea at all that the 'steam; it's not going to do anything to you'!!! Has she suddenly got a pharmacology degree overnight?!)

Just stop giving her a lift home. Tell her she makes you late every time, you do t want to be breathing in vape, no one is sure it’s not bad for you, you don’t want to do work chat in the car, she needs to sort herself out. If she’s funny about contact HR and says she’s using her future promotion over you.

Yes, put it this way. It’s unprofessional of her.

You're being a doormat.

Tell her you are going straight after work and if she wants a lift she needs to be ready to leave immediately.

If she’s not ready, go home without her.

And don't walk out with her, that gives her a sense of security and if she stops to chat you're hanging on with her.
Pack up, leave desk, wait in car leave at exact time you said you would.

This was me! I was nursing,left for work at 7.15, my DD and her best friend worked at stables,I dropped them off it was only slightly out of my way. DD lived at home,best friend had to be in a certain place. I had to get to my hospital shift for an 8am start. I waited a few minutes,then when she wasn't in sight even I went without her. She was really upset, tried to make me feel guilty!!!