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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

419 replies

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 22:10

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 25/09/2024 07:05

Leave at the time you need to leave. If she’s not ready it’s her own problem. Tell her that you have to home for your kids at a set time. If she complains and is nasty tell her that you leave at a set time just like a bus. Is she paying your petrol for this journey? If not tell her that you’re doing this for free but have to charge her from now on. Edit - just read that she vapes. Tell her no vaping in your car because of the smell vapour. How disgusting and entitled she is. Report your concerns to higher management about her being your line manager.

Tontostitis · 25/09/2024 07:07

So sorry got to rush today and whiz past. She'll either rush after you or not.

Unicorntastic · 25/09/2024 07:09

She sounds awful, best way is to not explain or be sorry but say breezily 'I need to leave on time today' as you are leaving. Then leave.

Whyherewego · 25/09/2024 07:11

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 23:29

I’ve come to a stage where I miss being on my own in the car on my way home from work. I just want peace and quiet and don’t want to talk to anyone. She vapes in my car aswel, and when I told her to please open the window she said “it’s only steam, it’s not going to do anything to you’. I’m slightly cautious because she will be my new line manager in a few months.

Oh that is a bit tricky for you. But I think you'll have to try to find a way to set the ground rules. So I'd say something like
"I'm going to have to leave at 5 on the dot as I'm finding I'm late for the kids and that's causing problems. So as of today, I'll be setting off bang on. Sorry if that doesn't suit "
" I know it's just steam but the smell makes me feel nauseous so can you please not vape in my car"

Good luck

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 25/09/2024 07:14

The manager thing is actually all the more reason to set boundaries. If she sees she can walk all over you to this extent now, she'll do exactly the same, and worse, as your manager.

I'd take her aside today and say you need a word about the lifts, then say:
'I need to leave at 5.00 (or whenever) precisely to get back for my children. If you're not ready to come with me then, I'll be leaving without you.'
'I don't allow vaping in my car. Please remember that.'
(If you're feeling very strong) 'It would be very much appreciated if you could give me a contribution of x quid for the petrol, seeing as I'm transporting you 4x a week.'

People like this will take and do whatever they can get away with. I can't help wondering if the vaping - as it is really such outrageous behaviour to vape in someone else's car - is her attempt to see exactly how much of a pushover you are.

AntigoneFunn · 25/09/2024 07:16

This is absolutely a power play on her behalf. She's not an idiot, and she knows exactly what she's doing.

I would just touch her lightly on the shoulder in passing as I was going out the door and she was chatting to someone, saying " We need to leave now Denise, come on..." and then just keep walking and leave without her.

This will only need to happen twice and she'll get the message .

Longer term you will need to think about just telling her it's not working for you and knock it on the head altogether.

TerfTalking · 25/09/2024 07:17

OP, I the nicest piasible way you need to leave her.

I guarantee you will leave her just once and she will be stood by your car waiting for you in future.

how did she get home before you joined? Fuck here ofd, just go.

BusyMum47 · 25/09/2024 07:17

DoreenonTill8 · 24/09/2024 22:12

Don't wait, just go! If she wants a lift, she goes when you do!

It's this simple! ⬆️

Tell her you're on a very tight schedule & if she wants a lift, she has to be at x place at x time or you're going. End of. It's not your responsibility to get her home!

Greyyyybeornot · 25/09/2024 07:19

I totally get this! And I’d find that really hard in your situation too.

I have a friend that I give a lift home from a hobby and she is about 10 mins out of the way and always chats in the car for about 10 mins when I get to hers. Delaying me from going to bed by about half an hour! Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but I get up v early for work.

Anyway I think you need to kindly say that you always have to get home at x time which means you really need to leave on the dot and you can’t wait.

Codlingmoths · 25/09/2024 07:21

’i have 2 kids, it was already really strsssful getting home and sorted for activities and one activity has just moved earlier, so I’m going to have to dash out the door now and can’t fit giving you a lift in. I hope you can find something that works.

if they quiz you the activity sometimes moves because the teachers are university students and their timetables or other activities change, you have no idea what it was this time.

Skipsurvey · 25/09/2024 07:21

please nip this in the bud
i cant take you any more
never mind she is due to be a line manager, even more reason not to give her a lift.

MissMoneyFairy · 25/09/2024 07:22

She's taking the piss and it will be worse when she's a manager with her very important stuff to do before she leaves. Put your coat on, say OK Doris, you ready we need to leave, when she says can you wait a minute or waves you off, its goodbye see you tomorrow, the vaping is really rude but she is a low level bully and won't care.

BusyMum47 · 25/09/2024 07:22

@Supermummy88

When you say she 'needs' a lift - how did your current situation come about? Did you offer? Did she ask?

It's not your job to facilitate her travel to work - what did she do before you joined? How does she get home the other days? How does she get there in the mornings? It's up to her to sort out.

Future manager or not, you probably need to nip it in the bud & stop the arrangement altogether - blame a change of schedule with the kids if you feel uncomfortable confronting her piss taking!!

SummerFade · 25/09/2024 07:25

Christ, she’s a piss taker and she’s definitely not management material. It’s clear to me that she will continue to treat you badly when she becomes your line manager. You really need to stand up to her now otherwise, things will probably get a lot worse as she has zero respect for you.

If she’s not offered you any petrol money then that would be the nail in the coffin for me. Tell her today that you’ve decided you prefer your own company driving home and so from next Monday, she’ll need to sort out her own travel arrangements. No more lifts no matter how much she moans.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 25/09/2024 07:25

You ANBU but you have dug yourself into a hole here if she is going to be your line manager.

Say nothing - she is making you miserable
Say something- she will make you miserable

She is an entitled, selfish, CF - a boss like this will be a nightmare

“…. after this week, just letting you know, I won’t be able to give you a lift anymore. I’ve found these alternative options for you” *bus timetable/ name
of another colleague to ask

… and look to either get promoted above her or moved from her team.

Perhaps consider some training on boundary setting/ improving your confidence/ being more assertive
Good Luck

HonoraBridge · 25/09/2024 07:26

I agree with everyone saying that you should tell her what time you are leaving and then you should leave at that time - do not wait. Your colleague is horribly rude and selfish.

Beesandhoney123 · 25/09/2024 07:27

She may need a lift but it's not your problem, to be blunt.

Outside work, so give her a call or send a text in the evening. Hi x just to let you know I need to leave on time everyday and be home by x. This is just a heads up as I can't be late and can't be relied on for a daily lift. I have to just go!

Next day, say - did you get my text? I've got to get home everyday as early as I can. I have so much to do in the evening I need to get time back. Its great you have time to chat and I just can't anymore!

Stop telling her you are leaving, Stop walking out and waiting with her whilst she chats. People and her like it, but you have somewhere to be. Say ' can't stop - pick up duties' and keep walking.

It's really not your problem to solve. Surely there is an atmosphere in the car every day? And you don't chat? You aren't friends BTW, or you would just tell her.

LuluBlakey1 · 25/09/2024 07:31

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 24/09/2024 22:17

Is it possible for you to get public transport for a month or so? So you can drop giving her lifts? It is annoying and intrusive and irritating and invasive giving people regular lifts isn't it? It's a real tie.

Even if you are going that way anyway, it's still shit having to keep doing it. There is literally nothing you can do except say you don't want to do it anymore. (Or, as I said, stop going to work in your car...)

Some people have the cheek of the devil - getting regular lifts from someone indefinitely. Sort your own bloody transport. I'm not a fucking taxi!

What a bizarre idea! Why go through this palaver?

Just say 'I am leaving bang on 3.30pm. If you are not in my car by then, I will be leaving without you. I have children to attend to who can't wait.' Then stick to it.

BananaSpanner · 25/09/2024 07:32

Just make something up about having to pick your child up from a different location (due to new club/tutoring etc) and you will no longer be going past her house.

Violetparis · 25/09/2024 07:34

She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her. Does she contribute to petrol money or buy you a coffee or something in return ?

Clearinguptheclutter · 25/09/2024 07:34

I’m cross on your behalf

I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my car if vaping
if you’re not there, what does she do?

next time tell her very clearly you’re leaving at x, and if she is slowing you down or stopping, just keep walking!

Phineyj · 25/09/2024 07:34

See if you can do an assertiveness course. It will change your life!

Clearinguptheclutter · 25/09/2024 07:36

In hindsight I think if she is going to be your manager I would just stop now. “Sorry i’m now going to need to go to x on my way home from now on so I won’t be able to offer you a lift after this week”

NeedToChangeName · 25/09/2024 07:36

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/09/2024 06:14

Given she is going to be your boss shortly, it seems to me there's a bit of power play here with her vaping in your car despite your objections, and the dilatory manner in which she makes her way to your car, all of which tells you that she's probably going to be a bit of a shit manager. This gives you a chance to maybe work out how to handle her going forwards or if you think she's going to continue being difficult, to maybe look for another job.

I would advise telling her that you won't be doing lifts anymore and if she asks why, just deflect and tell her she'll need to make other arrangements. As of 5.01 pm or whenever your workday ends, you are on personal time and why you can't do lifts is absolutely none of her business. Sticking up for yourself assertively and politely (no sorries or weak smiles) will let her know that she needs to be a bit more respectful towards you.

And, if you stand up for yourself, she won't like it, but she might have a grudging respect for you

Your car, your rules. And, allow yourself the confidence of a mediocre white male. Would he tolerate this? No way

Namechangeforcheese · 25/09/2024 07:38

She sounds like a user - as PP have said tell her very clearly that you will be leaving promptly from now. But bearing in mind your ongoing working relationship, do it tactfully.

Something like ' I really enjoy our chats together in the evening but will need to leave earlier in future. I hope you can be at the car by X time because I really have to leave promptly from now on'. Try and do it in front of other people. Remind her at home time 'remember I need to leave by X to be home for the kids.'

If she stops to chat, keep walking. 'sorry, can't stop. Really need to be home by X O'Clock. See you both tomorrow.' If she isn't at the car on time go home. Text her when you get in "sorry you couldn't make it , missed our catchup. hope bus journey was ok. See you tomorrow'. Repeat it in front of other people the next day.

Keep repeating how much you enjoy her company, how much you missed it the night before, but leave when it suits you.

As for the vaping! Cheeky cow. Tell her sweetly you don't like the smell and open the window on her side wide.