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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

419 replies

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 22:10

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

OP posts:
LifeIsNeverKind · 25/09/2024 00:10

If you really can't face this cheeky fucker head on, just lie...... 'I'm not going straight home tonight Sharon, you'll have to make your own way'. Do this as often as you can, it gets easier (and she may even stop asking for lifts in the end).

As for the vaping, I had this one time with a workmate in my car and I said 'Please can you not? I just don't like it. Thank you'. I think that's a pretty polite way of dealing with it.

Moveoverdarlin · 25/09/2024 00:13

This would drive me nuts. But I’d happily make up some BS story so she needs to make alternative arrangements.

Hey Jane, next week I can’t give you lifts as I have to be at my Mum’s straight after work.

spanieleyes22 · 25/09/2024 00:15

Sorry OP just read your update. Polite and to the point sorry I'm not going straight home today so can't give you a lift . Repeat and repeat. I don't envy you having her as a line manager oh dear 🙈

NewName24 · 25/09/2024 00:23

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 23:29

I’ve come to a stage where I miss being on my own in the car on my way home from work. I just want peace and quiet and don’t want to talk to anyone. She vapes in my car aswel, and when I told her to please open the window she said “it’s only steam, it’s not going to do anything to you’. I’m slightly cautious because she will be my new line manager in a few months.

Shock I've just read this update. She'd have been getting out of my car there and then, not been asked to open a window, and not being allowed to ignore the request.

So, if you don't want to give her a lift, then just tell her tomorrow, "After the end of this week, I won't be able to give you a lift anymore". You don't need to give reasons, nor invent clubs your dc aren't going to.

Teanbiscuits33 · 25/09/2024 00:31

Next time you need to leave, leave on time. You’re not responsible for her, you’re doing her a favour. If you want to carry on doing it, just say, ‘’Mary, I’m leaving in five minutes and no later as I have to rush home. If you want a lift you have to be ready or I will need to leave without you’’ and stick to it. She will learn her lesson.

Ger1atricMillennial · 25/09/2024 00:32

OP it sounds like you just don't want to give her a lift.

" Hi X, just to let you know I can't give you a lift home any more".

No reasons, excuses, send it in an email if you want to avoid her (but face to face is better).

She is taking the piss, she will bully somone else soon don't worry you aren't her first rodeo.

Thepossibility · 25/09/2024 00:34

I think instead of saying “we need to leave at X time.” You need to say “my car needs to be on the road at X time, no later. Otherwise I'm late for commitments with the children." Because if it is the former she probably thinks technically you are leaving at the time you want but it's taking her so long to get to the car which she is not taking into consideration. She's a faffing her way out the door. So if you tell her the car needs to leave the parking lot at exactly this time with or without her then it is crystal clear that she needs to be there or miss out.

Ger1atricMillennial · 25/09/2024 00:35

Oh and if she is your new line manager, start looking for a new job she will be a nightmare to work for if she is unable to accept simple boundaries.

Mmhmmn · 25/09/2024 00:39

She’s a cheeky fucker. Be very clear about the time you are leaving annd that this anpplies all the time, not just once, and tell her you need to go if she’s pissing around and if she still wants a lift she needs to come now then exit. God, I hate people who take the piss like that and have zero self awareness!

NumberNotRecognised · 25/09/2024 00:40

Hmm, the type of person who dismisses you asking her not to do something (vaping) in YOUR car, and deliberately makes you wait for her (she knows what she’s doing), when you are doing her a massive favour assumingly for no reciprocation (contribution to petrol/occasional cake?), is not the type of person who will take kindly to you validly pointing out that she is causing you inconvenience or you leaving her behind despite warning her you will do this.

She will hold a grudge which you don’t want if she’s going to be your line manager.

She’s a rude, entitled user who has no respect for you as a person or the favour you’re doing her.

You need to cut this off completely.

Tell her you can’t give her a lift anymore as you are going in a different direction. Relative/friend/childminder in another area is picking up DC from school from now on and you are picking them up from theirs before taking them straight to their activities.

If she happens to see your car going past her house, just say you realised you forgot something of DC’s they need at home so had rush back to grab it. Hopefully she’ll have a long journey home by public transport so won’t be back before you have been and left, or will find someone to use and lose interest in you!

Mmhmmn · 25/09/2024 00:41

She’s your LINE MANAGER? Omg this is all kinds of wrong. I think in that case I’d be leaving and going to a new job!

BashfulClam · 25/09/2024 00:42

When she stops to chat just say ‘sorry I have to go right now I can’t stop!’ And keep walking. She either comes to or has her chats. You are doing her a favour.

DadJoke · 25/09/2024 00:46

“Hi, this isn’t working for me - I need to leave on time and it’s affecting my childcare arrangements. I hope you understand.”

That’s it. You’ve been doing her a favour for a while and she’s wasted 15 minutes times the number lifts of your life.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/09/2024 00:49

You just need to speak up and make it crystal clear that either she's ready to go immediately at a certain time or you will go without her. Why does everyone on mumsnet find this so hard?

echt · 25/09/2024 00:52

Don't give her reasons for discontinuing the lifts as these are an in for the CF to say they'll be good in future, yadda yadda.

Email so you have a record as this is work-related: I'm not able to give lifts anymore/not working for me.

BlackShuck3 · 25/09/2024 00:53

Oh dear oh dear oh dear🙈

BlackShuck3 · 25/09/2024 00:55

Line manager!
She doing it on purpose because she's got you over a barrel, hmmm, tricky.
You got any dirt on her OP?

Tiredofallthis101 · 25/09/2024 01:21

Make up an excuse why you can't do lifts anymore more that she can't verify eg now you need to take kids to X club at 3.15 so you need to leave bang on time. If she leaves on time OK, if not then leave her.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/09/2024 01:42

If you are genuinely happy to give her a lift and the timing is the only issue then tell her that your home routine has changed, your children have commitments so you will be leaving on the dot. If she is in the car she is welcome to a lift but if she is not you will be leaving without her.

Can't say fairer than that.

DH used to give DD a lift to school to save her a half hour walk. She started holding him up so I just told him to go without her. When she was finally ready and asked where's Dad, I said, he left. You missed your ride. You're walking today. It only happened a couple more times and after that she was ready every single time.

Natural consequences are the most effective way to change behaviour.

HoppyZippy · 25/09/2024 01:45

Oh dear, you've been a really push over.

Tell her you are leaving exactly at X time and that she can't vape. It's that easy.

harrumphh · 25/09/2024 01:47

You're not getting much help with this thread, you should have said that you just don't want to do it anymore instead of pretending it was just because of leaving late.

ImustLearn2Cook · 25/09/2024 01:48

NumberNotRecognised · 25/09/2024 00:40

Hmm, the type of person who dismisses you asking her not to do something (vaping) in YOUR car, and deliberately makes you wait for her (she knows what she’s doing), when you are doing her a massive favour assumingly for no reciprocation (contribution to petrol/occasional cake?), is not the type of person who will take kindly to you validly pointing out that she is causing you inconvenience or you leaving her behind despite warning her you will do this.

She will hold a grudge which you don’t want if she’s going to be your line manager.

She’s a rude, entitled user who has no respect for you as a person or the favour you’re doing her.

You need to cut this off completely.

Tell her you can’t give her a lift anymore as you are going in a different direction. Relative/friend/childminder in another area is picking up DC from school from now on and you are picking them up from theirs before taking them straight to their activities.

If she happens to see your car going past her house, just say you realised you forgot something of DC’s they need at home so had rush back to grab it. Hopefully she’ll have a long journey home by public transport so won’t be back before you have been and left, or will find someone to use and lose interest in you!

@Supermummy88 This is really good advice and I agree with @NumberNotRecognised.

Abi86 · 25/09/2024 02:08

Supermummy88 · 24/09/2024 23:29

I’ve come to a stage where I miss being on my own in the car on my way home from work. I just want peace and quiet and don’t want to talk to anyone. She vapes in my car aswel, and when I told her to please open the window she said “it’s only steam, it’s not going to do anything to you’. I’m slightly cautious because she will be my new line manager in a few months.

https://www.thoracic.org/patients/patient-resources/resources/second-hand-smoke.pdf

She’s wrong. But more than that, she’s disrespectful. Look, I understand these types of conversations are difficult, but you need to be assertive. "Hey, this isn’t working for me, you’ll have to make your own arrangements after work." Don’t enter into giving long winded reasons.

https://www.thoracic.org/patients/patient-resources/resources/second-hand-smoke.pdf

ApolloandDaphne · 25/09/2024 02:12

You really need to be clear with her that you must get home sooner and cannot wait for her. You could tel her a fib that your DCs classes have changed time and you have to be home sooner so you are leaving on the dot of 5 or whatever. I definitely wouldn't be entertaining any vaping in my car.

DreamTheMoors · 25/09/2024 02:19

If work is over at 5pm, you tell her ”AIS 5:05.”
At 5:05 when she’s not AIS, you leave.
You don’t feel guilty, or bad.
If you don’t want to take her at all, you simply say, “this isn’t working for me.”
That’s it. You don’t apologize, you don’t say sorry, you don’t explain.
If she insists on an explanation, tell her you have urgent commitments at home.
That’s it. That’s enough.
Be polite, but brief.

What is AIS? ARSE IN SEAT