AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

[Supermummy88]

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

Give her a head's up a day or so in advance: "Have to leave dead on time from now on... because of the kids..." Don't go into any details, be vague but firm. "If you're not in the car by then, I'm gone."

Then do it. If you don't kill it now, she'll be worse when she's your LM.

If you don't want to give lifts anymore then just say so! Why is it so hard.

Just say, as of x date I'd like to cancel our lift arrangement. If she ask why you say for personal reasons which I don't really want to go into, I'm sure you understand.

I would normally advise to just say “Sorry, No. You’ve made me late too often.” But her becoming your line manager in a few months and her attitude when you’ve told her you need to leave on time and when you’ve asked her not to vape in your car would make me really cautions about taking that approach. Unless you have really good HR, you could be making your position at work difficult.

So I would probably go with something like - “Sorry, no. I have errands tonight.” Or even “I no longer go straight home.” Possibly change your route home slightly so you turn the other way going out of the car park/etc. if she’s likely to see you drive off. As others have advised.

The next day ask her if she found someone else to take her and be pleased for her if she found some other mug or empathize with her if it was hard. Maybe suggest the best bus route or something if you know of one. But stick to your script that you can’t take her home anymore. If she asks why, look at her quizzically and say “That’s hardly the point, is it? I can’t.”

Hi x, I'm happy to give you a lift today but you'll need to be at my car before I am as i'll be leaving bang on 5. If you're not there then I'll assume you've got other plans.

No vaping in my car please. I have small children and there are no long term studies for how damaging your "steam" is.

Holy heck, she's taking the piss big time! Nobody gets to vape in my car! Stop being such a doormat! She takes how long to chat on the way out?! Huge piss take!

I would say, “I can’t give a lift anymore, I’m under time pressure and need to go on the dot. I don’t have time to wait.” Short, and then hit the road. Drive away and don’t give it another thought.

I like also dislike having company in the car after work because that’s wind-down time. I definitely need that time before coming home and stepping into the second job - mum!

OMG she vapes in your car?

There are folk whose cars I vape in, those who have expressly said I can. I wouldn't even ask, they've offered, knowing I vape, and even then... windows down, minimal vaping and if its too cold for windows down, I wait!

The hanging around after work is a pisstake but its also a great get out: 'I have to leave bang on time each day, there is no leeway in my schedule so you're welcome to a lift but if you're not standing by my car when I get in it, I will have to leave you behind'.

Don't tell her a time, don't tell her you'll let her know when you're leaving either, onus is on her to be at the car, to find you etc.

Then stick to it, if she's not at your car when you get to it, get in and piss off home!

And after that one has sunk in you can add: 'Child has new after school activities some nights so I may be unavailable for lifts'.

Thats if you really feel you can't just say No!

If you didn’t mind giving her a lift, I’d say tell her you’re leaving at a certain time and go without her if she’s not there.

But you don’t want to give her a lift. So don’t! Tell her you can’t drive her home any more. If she asks why, make something up.

I can't help but see this as the woman's attempt to exert power and control. She's clearly showing you that she thinks her needs override yours. A little firm politeness would go a long way. Just say you need to leave on time. And then leave.

Why are you allowing this

She sounds like a narcissistic bully - there’s no way I’d want to wait around to give her a lift or have her vaping in my car. Delaying you whilst knowing that your children are waiting for you at the end of the day is appalling behaviour. You’re going to have to say it no longer works for you and deal with the fall out - she must have got herself home before you came along.
My last advice is to join a trade union.

I wfh but used to have a half hour plus commute. I hated giving a lift home to a colleague. Not out my way. All fine. But I needed that time to have loud music and decompress before getting home and starting the dinners etc. it’s perfectly ok to say you can’t do the lifts anymore. Your children need to go to clubs and you have to leave at X on the dot. If she’s desperate to still go home with you she will be ready. Otherwise leave her to it. You don’t take her in the mornings as well do you? That would be really irritating.

I would speak to HR about her attitude if she is going to be your line manager. I’d ask their advice on how best to extricate yourself from this driving sotuation as you feel that her becoming your line manager is already affecting your ability to speak up about her behaviour in your car as well as simply leaving when it suits you or telling her to sort herself out..

The getting out of there on time part is the easy part so just say 'Hey I have to leave bang on X time now every day because of commitments with the kids, so if you're not ready I have to leave without you.
And if she's not there then you leave without her.

No compromises, no waiting around for even an extra couple of minutes, you leave when you're ready to leave.

If you don’t want to address it directly
just say you have to leave bang on time due to your childcare arrangements at home

the cape is black and white you ether tell her to stop it or put up with it

With your latest update she sounds like a bully, I would of said can you be at the car for 5.as I'm leaving then and then leave, she can't be that bothered by the lift as she would respect your time, but now I would say, I cannot give you a lift anymore as my after work plans have changed. Don't be bullied

If talking to all of her colleagues is important to her then she can catch the bus. I wouldn’t even bother having a conversation with her. I’d be gone. She will learn.

As for vaping in the car. That’s another reason not to wait. If she wants a lift then she can vape when she has been dropped off.

She is mugging you off, so I would probably just get out the door quick every night and leave her chatting.

I'm also guessing she doesn’t contribute to the petrol.

I’d either

1. use public transport for a bit. You could drive to a station/bus stop. Say you are having car problems.

or

2. say you’ve been late to pick up your children, so you now need to do a different route : straight to school, or shops and then school to fit everything in.

And I would make a big deal if it. Just : so sorry I can do a lift next week because my car needs a service/I’m catching the bus/I need to do a different route/shopping as I’m short on time before I pick the children up.

She must have managed to get to/get home from work at other times : so she must have an alternative option!

That vaping comment is completely out of line. She is so disrespectful.

either give her a lift but say no vaping and she needs to be ready on time and go without her or not or just say it no longer works. If she pushes back, complain to someone more senior at work

No way would I start using public transport just because the word no couldnt come out of my mouth, thats absolutely ridiculous and what happens if the bus is late?- then you'll be in an even worse position than you were before with your car!

Tell her in the morning - I am leaving at X time and no later, if you arent ready I will have go as I have to pick my kids up. Then, when she gets out the vape say no, I cant have that in my car, I really dont like it, it leaves a greasy film on the car (which is true, it does). If she wont stop then the next day you tell her, I cant give you a lift, the vape steam bothers me.

Then if she isnt ready, or wont stop vaping just bloody go without her. Stop worrying about being rude to people who are being rude to YOU!

Just say no, is this another thing schools have to teach?

And no I am not saying they should

I mean, I actually think they should! Being assertive (rather than aggressively rude or a passive people pleaser is an important life skill for safety reasons and also for your own self esteem). I did an assertiveness course once at my job and it was excellent.

Hi Julia, I'll be leaving at 17h05. Meet you at the car. Just a heads up, if you can't make it for 17h05, no stress but I have to leave then for DDs dance, so won't be able to wait longer.

Who did you inherit this woman from?

Yeah it's a fine line.
I would reiterate that she's welcome to drive with you, you just really have to go at x time. So sorry, wish you could've stayed longer yara yara.
So it cannot come back to bite you of she wanted to be mean about it. Everyone in the office will know if she moaned about it, that she was the unfair one.