AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

[Supermummy88]

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

I’ve come to a stage where I miss being on my own in the car on my way home from work. I just want peace and quiet and don’t want to talk to anyone. She vapes in my car aswel, and when I told her to please open the window she said “it’s only steam, it’s not going to do anything to you’. I’m slightly cautious because she will be my new line manager in a few months.

I’d say, ‘I’m leaving at X time, I can’t hang around because I have to be home in time for the children’ - walk out to your car without waiting, telling her you will wait in the car until X time and then have to leave.

The first time she is late and misses you, either she won’t do it again or she will get humpy but if so, at least you tried. She is the cheekiest of Fs.

This is appalling. What an entitled cow she is. You are giving lifts, she makes you late and she vapes in the car without even opening the window.

You need to find a way of stopping these lifts. What is the matter with her? Why can't she make her own transport arrangements?

PP's have made a very good point.

Right now you are prioritizing her over your own children. Think about that.

If you want to continue the car sharing- then there needs to be rules- tell her you're happy to continue doing so, but from now on you'll be leaving at 16.10 (or whatever the end time is) and if she isn't walking out/ in the lobby waiting you will be leaving as the later nights are detrimental to your family and can not continue. I'd imagine being left behind once or twice will speed her up.

Oh my fucking god, just read your update. She vapes in your car?! She is a selfish prick and you should just stop the lifts altogether. I would never ever let someone vape in my car. It’s tricky with the line manager thing but honestly I would hate to get lifts home from one of my direct reports! Awkward.

I would take this opportunity to nip the whole thing in the bud. You now have the opening to say “Look, this clearly isn’t working. You’re making me late to pick up my children and other commitments after work. So you’ll have to sort out your own lifts to and from work from now on.”

She’s an adult - she should be able to organize her commute without making the unpaid responsibility of a colleague.

I really need you to understand something. I’m in a hurry after work as my children are waiting for me. If you are by the car when I leave then sure, I’m happy to drop you off at home but I can’t be hanging around waiting for you any more. If you aren’t at the car, then I will assume you don’t want a lift and I will hurry on home without you.

THIS^ but say it in front of others.

and then leave if she’s not there. She will probably only do it once.

How does she cope if you are sick or on holiday?!

Next time she is due for a lift just head for your car and if she isn't there at the same time off you go. You are not her mother but you do have your own children who can't get themselves to their after school activities.

As for the vaping - your car, your rules. If she treats you poorly when she becomes your line manager then you put in an official complaint. In the meantime you just leave when you need to and she'll need to sort herself out.

Vaping!!! Good grief. Just say sorry you can’t do that in my car. No not even with the window down. No.
God how gross!

Knowing that, tomorrow I'd just say I’m off now, leaving in two mins if you want a lift. Get up and walk out two mins later. She won’t come and you won’t have to deal with it!

Her faffing around becomes a safeguarding issue for your kids (hanging around for 15 mins, waiting for their mother to turn up). Lots of children's activities rely on volunteers. Your colleague's faffing around requires them (2x DBS certified adults) to stay with your children to ensure they're safe while they're waiting for you to turn up. Their time is important. The safety of your children is important. Stop giving her lifts as it's no longer working for you.

I’m not going that way today…

‘I’m leaving at bang on 5 today Sharon, I know you like a chat so just letting you know I can’t take you home today..’ immediately walk out at 5pm and leave.

‘the children/husband have been complaining about the smell in the car - so no vaping today Sharon’. I know you can’t smell it but that’s what smokers are like aren’t they Sharon. Can never smell the cigarette smell themselves whilst everyone else around them
can. said with big cheery grin.

I know you like to stay behind and chat Sharon so I was thinking it’s better if you make your own way home from now on as I have to be out that door at 5 on the dot.

I was wondering about you contributing some money for the lifts etc Sharon seeing as I’m your personal little Uber. cheery wink. Thinking of you pop us £10 a week that should help cover fuel etc…

Do it this week OP. This is totally unacceptable. Vaping in your car wtf! You are lengthening your work day by having her in your car yakking on!

That alone drive time home is so precious before the next part of the day with kids.

Also if she is going to be your manager, even more reason to get out of this now!

She sounds so entitled and has taken advantage of your kindness.

Make some reason up like how you need to go somewhere else first, opposite direction to home, and in time the lifts will fizzle out.

What everyone else has said, plus: get yourself into a different team or department at work. She does not sound like a good line manager to have. She's rude, inconsiderate and takes advantage of others. Seriously, move out from that.

A colleague gives me a lift home frequently which is very kind. We communicate - she wants to leave at X time. I’ll either make sure I’m ready or let her know I won’t be and she can go without me. Simple. I don’t expect her to hang around for me. We are both teachers so finishing times can vary, likewise we both have commitments on different days where we need to leave at a specific time.

Some days it’s reverse! She tells me she won’t be leaving until a certain time, and actually I’m done, so decide to make my own way home.

She does me a massive favour that she is not obliged to do. If her schedule works for me, great. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. No begrudging from me.

You're going to have to make it clear by actually going.

“We’ve got to be at activity 1 by X time. I’m leaving at 4 on the dot. If you’re not in the car I will be going.”. Then actually go! Keep walking!

Just her as a line manager would be a reason for not giving her a lift. It's a drift into exploitation, in much the same way that the Civil Service bans senior workers asking/taking loans from those lower in the hierarchy.

You need to get her out of your car right now, and the "it's not working for me" is the best one. Forget punctuality, vaping and no petrol money.

I should add that as you've allowed yourself to be walked over, she will resent it massively should you draw the line. Be prepared to move jobs.

“She vapes in my car” WHAT?!

Tell her she can’t vape in the car anymore (if you feel you need an excuse say it’s giving you a headache/makes you feel sick/other reason). If she comes up with something lame like “it won’t harm you” say sorry Sheila, I just can’t have vaping in my car anymore or I won’t be able to give you a lift. Line manager or not.
This woman is outrageous!

You aren’t her personal taxi you know, so stop behaving as if you are.
Tell her you won’t be giving her lifts any more and that she’ll need to make her own arrangements for getting home.

If she asks why, tell her you’ve had enough of being taken for granted, being disrespected (you let her vape in the car even when you have asked her not to!) and having to wait round for her!

This!

What a shame you've just started your new daily goat herding hobby that starts immediately after work.

Well said.

You have your own car, your own life, your own kids and you don't owe her anything.

She's a user.

1st reply nailed it.

As you've let it go on so long, then it would be fair to give her a warning, but make it clear (even better if you can do so in front of colleagues) that your dc need to be collected and that you need to leave by X time (4mins past 5 or whatever seems reasonable). That, if she is ready to come with you then, she is still welcome to a lift, but you are no longer able to wait if she isn't ready.

She doesn't "Need" the lift OP, and she doesn't respect you.

People treat you how you let them.

I just tell people straight, "If you want a lift, I pull out of the car-park at 4:35pm. I have to be home by 4:50 so that I can quickly tend to the dog then watch 'JEOPARDY' from 5pm."

My addiction to Jeopardy is so well known by my work colleagues, no-one wanting a lift to my suburb would keep me waiting. Everyone still talks about Wayne and how I left him behind walking "late" across the worksite car-park because he wanted to stay behind to hear Melinda's joke. That was five years ago.

Do you walk out to the car together? Maybe leave a minute or 2 before her so you don't get caught waiting for her to finish chatting on her way out. Say something like I'm just nipping to the loo see you at the car but I do need to leave straight away I can't be late . I think you just need to be v tough a few times and she will either get the hump or get the message. Either way problem sorted!! Or else invent something u have to do on the way home like go direct to football practice so u can't give her a lift. People are just unreal . I cannot imagine the entitlement of delaying a mum at the end of the work day