To think DH should pay for DSC school fees

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Just wanted to get your thoughts on this: would you expect your husband to pay school fees for your children / his step children?

If yes, would you expect his to continue to pay school fees if you separated?

My response would be yes to both.

Youre a family, and therefore everything should be shared equally. If you did separate, you should continue to pay the fees the same way you would for your biological children.

Edit: the same would apply if the genders were reversed.

No - it was a benefit that was an extension of the relationship. Once the relationship ends so does his obligation to his ex. The step children are his exes. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to continue making car payments.

I think the first depends on how family finances are set up and financial involvement from the biological father.

The second?
How bizarre. Absolutely not.

So the step parent is financially tied to the step children for the rest of their education???

I don't thing there should be a distinction between parent and step parent.

Right. So you’d be happy with your DC spending their Christmas and birthdays with their ex step parent? You’d be happy to sit alongside them at the top table at their wedding? Happy for them to take them
to the doctors and make decisions re their care?

If I had the money I would buy my child a country

Well not really but this is about as illogical as what you are speaking of

No.
That aside, I have never been a parent, step parent or jumped with or without a parachute.
😁

You're missing the glaringly obvious part that they are no longer step children.

The dynamic of being a step parent/having a step child is created by the marriage of an actual parent of the child to a total random person (in relation to the child).

These roles only exist during the marriage.

The marriage is over. There is no step parent any more. Nor a step child. It's just an unrelated child and adult who are no longer connected via another adult.

The now unrelated adult may still have a fondness to the unrelated child, may keep in touch if the child is old enough to maintain their own communications. But ex step child isn't a position to be financially accounted for by an unrelated adult. ESPECIALLY when the actual parents are poncing parasites who won't pay for their offspring but expect the unrelated adult too.

It's only these freeloading types that want to pretend "they'd be the same in my eyes" when it's never them who would be paying out. Always very generous with their imaginary money they'll never have.

Lol cross post.

Exactly this.

Very easy to be generous with imaginary money hey.

Do you have the money to pay for 3 SC to go to private school for 12 years?

Or are you looking for someone who does?

Yes, it's correct. An ex partner can voluntary pay but it's based on household income.

For me this is one of those "it depends" situations.
If I were to have more children with a new partner, I wouldn't be happy to send them to private school and my current DC at state. But then I'd also have to consider what would happen if we did split up.

All moot as my DC have left school, I'm not even dating let alone planning more DC, and I wouldn't want to send any of them to private school anyway.

It's based on who the child lives with. If you're clever about it and have a good coparenting set up, you can arrange for the child to live with the lower-earning parent in the years preceding University, provided one parent earns less than the maximum threshold.

DSC, no chance.

You can only say this when you have the funds to pay for it for 12 years ………you are saying what you think you would do if you had the money……but you don’t have the money so your statement has no value.…..
in reality this ‘extra’ money would be used to pay for your child’s uni costs and then help them get on the housing ladder…….of course if May be different if you are a multi multi millionaire/billionaire ,when talking about your imaginary wealth

Expect. No and no.

Yeh, as much as I feel I benefitted from independent school, that money could have paid off my uni fees in full, or bought me a house. If I had that kind of money I'd be prioritising doing that for my daughter. There's no way I'd be paying school fees for a school I had no say in choosing for a child that isn't mine and then sending DD to state.

Bit shit for your kids to only be on the same level as any children your current or ex partners may have.
A "gold star" step parent, I suppose.
A definite "must try harder" as a parent though.

As your question is hypothetical- would you pay for your ex partner’s kids with a new partner to go to private school?

I’m going against the grain here. I do know some step parents that were there from the beginning that basically pay school fees, weddings, basically their step child IS the same level to them as bio children. Take my friend for example, her partner has been in her life for 20 years. His step child is 22 years old, dad doesn’t want to know. Step dad brought him up as his own, he has just paid for half of the wedding and paid for school trips, fees etc.

I am sure in most cases it’s unreasonable, but I do know some who treat their DSC like their own.

My friend and her partner have split, but that doesn’t change the fact he acts like DSC dad and always will be (to him)

Although I guess YABU. Becuase now I think of it, no one should be obligated to pay for DSC. I think some just do, due to circumstances.

Yes, and hypothetical children are so much cheaper than real children.

Many years ago, the decision was made to privately educate, including my child/my husband’s step child.

We wanted to privately educate our child and my husband was adamant it was both or neither - so much so that he wanted to get an agreement in writing that should anything happen, he would continue to pay until my son was 18. None of that was wanted or suggested by me, and we have stayed together past my son leaving school anyway so it was all irrelevant.

However, the people saying ‘hell no’ may be missing a sort of point - it’s a child’s life you’re messing around with. If you split in year 10 or 11 for example, that realistically the GCSEs largely down the toilet as finding a state school with space, doing the same exam boards for the same subjects is nigh on impossible. So it’s definitely a conversation that should happen IF JOINT FAMILY MONEY IS BEING USED and biological parent couldn’t afford it alone, long before the child is put into the school.

It is not the biological father’s role to ‘just step in’ if he played no part in the decision to send the child to private school either - often these decisions are made solely by the resident parent. My son’s dad could never have afforded private school, and my husband went into the whole thing very aware of that.

I think it's the parents responsibility. While together it might be nice for the step parent to cover half the fees, especially if there is a shared bio child also at the private school or if the bio parent has given up work at step parents suggestion. I would agree that paying towards is treating them like part of the family.
Once parent and step parent divorce though, no I don't expect the step parent to pay unless they continue to play a parental role in the children's lives

It's very nuanced though and depends on many factors?

If I met my DH and he was a high earner and already paying fee's then no I'd not expect it to impinge me. It was a pre-existing cost and not one I agreed to.

Whereas If we were both considering private school for a shared DC, then I'd expect to consider the same for DSC (but would also expect the mothers finances to be involved)

From reading many threads on MN, people almost hate their step children. Tbey don't do activities with them, and no way will they be in any inheritance.
So no, to your question

Much better behaved too!