To think DH should pay for DSC school fees

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Just wanted to get your thoughts on this: would you expect your husband to pay school fees for your children / his step children?

If yes, would you expect his to continue to pay school fees if you separated?

My response would be yes to both.

Youre a family, and therefore everything should be shared equally. If you did separate, you should continue to pay the fees the same way you would for your biological children.

Edit: the same would apply if the genders were reversed.

absolutely not. It's for the parents to pay! is this a serious question???

No, the children’s parents are responsible for their education. In the event of a break up particularly, the step parent is unlikely to be playing much of a future role in their lives, and is certainly not responsible for funding their schooling.

It's funny how 'we are a family' is mentioned when money is involved

Not only then, surely.

In this situation a lot depends on how long the step parent has been involved in the child's life, what expectations were there from the start and, most of all, can the expense be easily afforded.

Legally, if you separate, he doesn't have to be part of your child's life one bit.

Definitely no...he shouldn't HAVE to pay.

Isn't it just. Very convenient how OP believes there should be "no distinction" between parent and stepparent when she's benefiting financially. However I'm sure the very obvious distinction would soon be highlighted if ex stepfather decided he had an opinion on how they were being raised by OP. Funny that... 🙄

No to both . Where's the real dad and his wallet

OP, out of interest, why can you or the kids father pay their school fees?

*why can't

My aunt (she was still married at the time and not in the Uk) ended up contributing significant sums to a step child education due to an agreement her husband had with his ex. She then wasn’t able to give her own children the same level of support and ended up divorced. If he had then turned around and suggested she should keep contributing I thin’ she would have actually murdered him.

Expect - no.

If both biological parents oat for indie school I would expect a SP to accept that the spouses money was going towards it if it didn't mean the family lived uncomfortably.

If a SP offered to support a child through indie school with their spouse I don't see a problem but it shouldn't be expected to continue if they split.

The system works of household income so that's logical

That's a stupid system, if it excludes the income of ex partners who are the actual parents. Are you sure it's correct? My ex paid his half of student support.

Yes-see the section "supporting your child's application ".

www.ucas.com/student-finance-england/student-finance-guidance-parents-and-partners

OP, you seem to be thinking of step parenting being akin to adopting, but it isn't.

When parents of children aren't together and form new relationships, their children still have two parents who share financial and decision making responsibility for their children (unless there is a court order saying otherwise). The schools they attend and associated costs need to be addressed by the two parents.

If a 'step child' is adopted by the parent (presumably due to death or other legal action removing the rights and responsibilities of a biological parent), then they make joint decisions and take joint responsibility for costs both when with the other parent and beyond and separation/divorce.

I think one of the things that can make co-parenting difficult for parents and children is a lack of shared understanding about the above.

A step parent can have a great relationship with a step child that can be rewarding to both, but this should be recognised as coming with fundamentally different rights and responsibilities to the legal parents. I think people often think the right thing with blended families is to try and equalise the roles so step parents and parents within a single household treat the children the same. This isn't possible when there is another parent outside the household who holds rights and responsibilities.

Has he adopted them?

The argument in that thread was the grandparents were mobsters for not feeling exactly the same about the step grandchildren as their own.

lots of people came on and made all sorts of nasty comments about the grandparents.

they claimed the grandparents should treat these children like their biological or adopted grandchildren.

people got very angry at any suggestion of hat step grandchildren had a different status.

i suspect it was mostly mothers who wanted to ensure their children benefited from every advantage the grandparents bestowed on their grandchildren.

Think is a hypothetical question.

If I had the money, I would pay for DSC education. There would be no distinction between the children.

What seems to be wanted from step parents is to act like a parent when wanted but yhen to step out of the picture when not wanted.

It is unfair and unreasonable.

Not allowed to discipline, or to attend school performances, or to have opinions, but wanted to pay, step in for childcare, have parents who treat equally etc.l

Step parents have to be everything and nothing.

Of course he should. He should also still be taking his ex mother and father in law on holiday! ( Why should they forego a holiday because their daughter decided to divorce?)
He should also most definitely be paying for the DSC's weddings ( I mean he was presumably going to contribute towards it when he was married ) and then set up a trust fund with the DSC' s kids as beneficiaries. And don't forget once the DSC' divorce he would be responsible for their ex-spouses and their new children too
He would need to step up and be a grandfather for goodness sake!
I mean he was once married to their exes mother!

That's lovely if you would willingly do it. As this thread has demonstrated, not everyone would feel the same.

There's also a difference between being willing to do something, and expecting something of someone else. And many of us tend to find that someone expecting something of us makes us infinitely less willing to do it! As no one likes to be taken for granted.

No, I think this is a ridiculous view tbh.

It's widely unrealistic to expect someone to spend that amount of money on the dc of an ex, potentially to the detriment of their own dc.

It's easy to spend imaginary money on hypothetical children isn't it?

What an incredibly entitled attitude! If the parents can't afford private school fees, then the child will need to go to a state school.

If step parents volunteer to pay, that's fine, but it should be entirely their choice, no obligation. And there should be some clear provision agreed for what will happen if the relationship breaks down.

It's very easy to spend money you don't have.

In reality, any money you spend is a choice not to spend it elsewhere. If you are spending ~£20k a year in order to put one or more stepchildren through private school, that's money that you're NOT spending on putting aside security for your old age or into trust for your own children.

I love my stepdaughter, any home I live in is her home too, she's welcome any time at any age. However, financially, she's not my responsibility.