To think people shouldn't have sex with people unless you would both be happy and able to raise children together?

[Jjiillkkf]

Just reading the thread about the mother's of disabled children they have really struggled to cope with and no mention of fathers. Should society stigmatise abandoning families more? Would that not necessarily include discouraging quite so much recreational sex because of the potential outcomes?

Also inspired by other threads by women who alter an otherwise positive dynamic in their new relationship by having sex with their new partner.

Why is sex the be all and end all when it creates so many problems.

Aibu to think it is nothing but love and kindness to tell our sons and daughters to save it for a good person in a mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship?

I don't think that's necessary for our daughters, who have access to contraception and abortions.

Well that would mean the end of homosexuality 🤔

You never know what someone will be like when children come along, especially if they have complex needs.

YABU about the sex bit. But not unreasonable about shaming the fuck out of anyone who runs away from their responsibility for their kids.

People have been saying it to their sons and daughters for millenia... Why not do what my mother did and forget this "special person" nonsense and simply talk about safe sex and the fact that contraception is non negotiable. And that abortion is not a sin.
Sex is fun and teaching abstinence is proven to be ineffective.

I like having sex with my partner and have zero desire for children so use reliable contraception. I am in my mid 40s and that’s been successful so far but in the unlikely event it is not I will get an abortion. We are extremely happy together and I have “a good person in a mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship”.

Having said that I have had a lot of excellent sex with many other people where lots of the above didn’t exist (apart from the solid contraception)

Do you think if I don’t want children I should be a virgin forever?

No. Both people should take responsibility for their own contraception. I'm on the depo but I now insist on him taking his own precautions. He can whine all he wants about condoms, but slightly heightened pleasure vs 18 years of child support payments? Do the maths and stop being an entitled twat.

If the man walks away after he made a pregancy because he put all the responsibility of preventing pregnancy on the woman, society should know and there should be stigma. Deferring it to the woman shouldn't be acceptable anymore, especially when they bleat they were "trapped".

There should be an information sheet for people to read and sign but of course shagging seems to come before children

Having a disabled child can put a huge strain on relationships, even with good parents I'm still with my dh ,but it's not Been easy far from it.

I find it sad that so many parents don't pay maintenance and have ways around it.
Maybe if the state went after them and made them pay their way for their children then things might be a lot fairer. Im always amazed at how they manage to get away with not paying for their offspring and seems to have gone on for decades.

I don’t necessarily agree with you regards child rearing.
Although I do think sex should only be part of a committed relationship.
Having been through an abortion in my teens, and that was an 18 month relationship (a long time when you are 15/16) and he had promised to marry me if I had sex with him - what an idiot I was but he was 23 and I thought he knew best. I don’t consider abortion an easy out to a mistake, I still think about it now 25 years later.
I married my second partner when I was 18 to avoid the situation happening again.

start the message early. so at least you know you tried!!

my boys know exactly what I expect of them.

They’re only just teenagers but we talk about this stuff, unfortunately they’ve seen the consequences of feckless fathering on their extended family, so are fairly wise. At the moment anyway.

I tell them:

don’t have a child with somebody you don’t love enough to marry.

don’t mess around young fertile women if you’re dithering about children yourself

don’t have sex just for the sake of it. Women aren’t sperm receptacles.

porn damages everybody.

I know they won’t stick to the above but it’s a good aim. I’d be devastated to raise the horrors you hear about on MN. My boys have no excuse given they’re blessed with a wonderful dad, and my only wish in life really if that they become good men.

Even when a couple is in a stable relationship and plan a child, nobody plans for a child with additional needs or disabilities. Even if you know it’s a possibility, you don’t fully understand what that life will entail until you’re living it. Men can fuck off when they’ve been in stable relationships, they can also be absent fathers whilst still living in the house and with the mother. The bar for men is on the floor and more needs to be done to hold men accountable for the children they have. Not having sex isn’t the answer to that.

You forget hormones, and accidents

It's a ridiculously idealistic stance.

There's plenty of people out who do everything "properly", take their time, marry to show their commitment and it still goes very wrong. There's so many threads where men don't show their true colours until pregnancy or childraising and it turns out that they're indifferent to their family or abusive.

If society did make men more accountable to financially supporting their children and stopped enabling them playing power games over their children and exes, that would be an improvement.

good post!

I agree only on the point that we should stigmatise people leaving their families. I do think (and see very regularly in my line of work) people rushing to have children with someone to cement the relationship/‘prove’ they are in love etc which often doesn’t work. The thing I think is difficult is women who refuse to put men on the birth certificate and refuse access but want the money from the fathers. I completely understand if they are abusive etc obviously but in lots of cases they aren’t. If they’re on the birth certificate we should take the US approach and have the payment taken from their pay directly or their passport blocked until they pay up.

If a survey was done how many people genuinely want children compared to doing it to keep the peace with the other person?

It is not fair or right but the obesseion to have children seems to throw out everything else

And anyone who brings a person into the house that harms and or neglects a a child both parents should be charged

Maybe there should be a licence to have children? For both parties

My husband has had a vasectomy and I not allowed to have sex with him anymore?

On a note serious note, I think there needs to be more consequences for, let's face it predominantly, men who abandon children. Financial and social/societal

Thats a bit puritanical; sex for fun is fine but use contraception.
Also you can have a baby with someone and think they’ll be an amazing dad and then they just aren’t….

Well, yes, it does. At least 9 months before.

No name on the birth certificate no money

I reckon op owns a sex shop...

You should read Mary Harrington’s book, OP.

I would agree you should not be in a committed relationship with a man you would not be willing to have kids with (assuming you are childfree).
But sometimes sex is just sex. I have had sex with men whose names I barely know never mind want to procreate with!