To think people shouldn't have sex with people unless you would both be happy and able to raise children together?

[Jjiillkkf]

Just reading the thread about the mother's of disabled children they have really struggled to cope with and no mention of fathers. Should society stigmatise abandoning families more? Would that not necessarily include discouraging quite so much recreational sex because of the potential outcomes?

Also inspired by other threads by women who alter an otherwise positive dynamic in their new relationship by having sex with their new partner.

Why is sex the be all and end all when it creates so many problems.

Aibu to think it is nothing but love and kindness to tell our sons and daughters to save it for a good person in a mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship?

And I might get flamed but I think that instead of telling people they should only have sex if they are prepared to have a child....we should also remove guilt and shame around abortion. I read many threads on here from women who don't want to be pregnant but say they feel guilty about having an abortion.

What an odd comment.

If a couple aren't married then the woman can't put a man on the birth certificate unless he attends the appointment. If he refuses, then she can't put his name on it? Do you then think his refusal to do this should mean that he no longer has any financial obligation?

As for no mention of fathers, how many women get pregnant and have babies actually expecting their partner to leave them at some point?? There’s also those unfortunate cases where a man who might actually have been a supportive father dies?
To add to that - “intact” family units don’t necessarily mean everyone in it is being treated well/adequately cared for. Sometimes a family/person is better off losing the dead weight!

YANBU and I would extend that to marriage. The amount of times I bite my tongue on this site when people have not one, but two or three kids and their 'partner' has never had the decency to marry them and the woman doesn't have the self respect to demand marriage/ask for it or walk after the first. And continue to have more out of marriage. Then there are problems and she will be left with no protection. Wtf? Marriage is far more important for womens and children's security these days (yes, I know, some women are financially stable, marriages break up, yada yada heard all the talking points) than at any stage in history before, yet women have no self respect and will give away the proverbial 'cow and milk for free'. I mean, where are their mothers to teach them self respect? Or are their mothers unmarried too so they're continuing a family cycle. The whole thing is so depressing. It's just self-respect. And wanting to do right for your children. And no, I don't care what people say/who comes on here and takes offence or judges me. That's my opinion and time on this site has only strengthened my so-called 'old fashioned' view.

Aibu to think it is nothing but love and kindness to tell our sons and daughters to save it for a good person in a mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship?

and when what you thought was a "mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship" turns out to be a relationship with a cheating arse...?

Protection doesnt always work

Everyone knows about contraception. Abortions are not particularly difficult to get. And yet these issues still occur. Maybe people's preferred magical solutions aren't so effective after all.

The kind of man who has no issue running out on his pregnant girlfriend is going to be exactly the kind of man who would have no issue coercing her into an abortion she doesn't want. When you've got abusive men involved, abortion is not the simplistic picture of a woman's personal choice that people like to pretend it is.

Don’t bother op, no-one cares about this stuff anymore. Shag with abandon and who gives a shit about the consequences.

Overworked social workers who have to pick up the pieces probably, till the next generation then the cycle continues

Yep, that's me fucked... or not🤣.

@Allfur "Protection doesnt always work"

Contraception used consistently and properly is damn near 100%. And there is the MAP.

Yes we should shame the abandoning fathers more. It's not about the sex. I was in a decent relationship,.... then son grows up with significant challenges. No school place so I have to stop work and care for him. Ex literally said I can't cope with this and checked out. I never would have known he was like that until we were raising a disabled child together.

But then in the case of SEND I think we should hold the government to account. So many of these families are broken by the lack of school places and the forced into poverty that comes from having to care full time. My relationship never would have broken if the LA had given my child the education he's legally entitled to and I could have worked school hours

What do you mean? That sounds like you’re saying abortion is a contraceptive choice.

On the contrary. I think most women care very much. I'm not sure I can say the same about most men.

Which is why most women stick by their children, sacrifice careers and personal lives, work all hours to provide for those children. Supporting those women when they are abused or facing childcare challenges would be a far more sensible approach.

Or end up with a man who thinks he’s owed sex by his wife because he was told that it’s just for a ‘loving committed relationship’.

The fertility rate in the UK in 2023 was 1.49 live births per woman, well below replacement rate of 2.1.

However, more than half of those (51.4%) were children born to unmarried women.

So if left to married women, our fertility rate would be 0.75 live births.

Perhaps it is time to stop berating women for having children outside marriage, accept that is now the norm, and put proper support in place to the benefit of the whole community.

I waited until I was 32 to find a reliable man to marry. He wanted children.
We discovered he was infertile. I was happy to try to adopt / foster but he wanted his own kids. I had icsi ivf. We eventually had 2 children. Both of whom turn out to be Autistic + various other SN/SEN too.
He 'couldn't cope' & walked out a lot when they were young & eventually left. It's been really hard as the ivf left me disabled too. In our family, in our small village, & possibly in Society at large sympathy has been given to him (last year he obtained adult ASD dx age 60). No sympathy for me, left 'holding the baby (ies) until I die.
Obviously, I'm biased, but I think everyone should use contraception unless they're sure they'd commit to raising any resulting child until they die.

You see on mn all the time women advising others not to put the man on the birth certificate. And if a man insisted on marching a woman to the registry office and adding his name it could be considered abusive.

Permanent? Who can guarantee that?

Joyful?

Probably not a word I would be using for such an experience or a rape victim would think of huh?
And imagine of we all didnt shag and were like you...oh god no thanks

Pfft

They can go to court to confirm parentage. It’s an extremely rare thing that a woman doesn’t want a dad involve/on the BC just because she’s on some sort of odd power trip. Most of the time, there’s a very good reason for it.

@Jjiillkkf

So people who have no interest in ever having children should abstain from any sort of sexual activity whatsoever lest an "accident" occurs?

Contraception has been practiced for eons, and while it's not foolproof, there are permanent 100% effective means available to those who still wish to enjoy a healthy, active sex-life but have no desire for children.

Aibu to think it is nothing but love and kindness to tell our sons and daughters to save it for a good person in a mutually loving, stable, permanent relationship?

Yes, you ABU, because you are implying the answers to the "problems" you highlight, which are caused by laziness, indifference, and intransigence, lie in abstinence, which is naive when effective contraception achieves the same ends and still permits a sex-life, provided you are responsible enough to actually make use of it.

Forcing men to be more responsible would be a good thing. Something like, if you live together and the woman can prove it, when she has a baby the house becomes a shared family asset whether or not married. That would make men think, and cause less single mothers to be in as much poverty.

I'm saying that women who are pregnant and don't want to be should be able to make the decision based on what they actually want rather than it being complicated by feelings of guilt.