To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

Wasn’t sure if this was coercive control but it is guilt tripping & gaslighting still forms of emotional abuse. Found this.
https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-trip

I'm take the view he is trying to guilt trip you. You are right, he is being unfair.
When I went away when the kids were toddlers dh was more than capable of looking after them and the house.
Not once has dh made me feel bad for going away ,whether it was for work or leisure even when ds2 broke his collar bone when he was 10 and I was in Spain with my mates ( sports accident) I was told to enjoy my last two days, ds was OK and dh was taking time off work and I could take over when I got back.
Dh did get offers of help from 'concerned ' mums in the playground and a lot of sympathetic looks. He didn't need them!
Your dh sounds like an arse.

urgh, his behaviour is at the least so unattractive and abusive at the worst.

Having a pout because he's having to pick up some of the slack whilst you are at work. Poor diddums. Shoe on other foot, he'd be having a go at you if you tried the emotional blackmail shit.

Some of these replies are v funny and maybe you should send one similar to make him sit up and see that you're fucked off with his attitude to parenting HIS OWN CHILDREN but at the end of the day, this is your family/your relationship so it's down to you how you manage it.

But I really do think he needs a rocket up his arse to make him see how upset he's made you. Shame you have to do it but there we are. Another man-baby.

You are not painting a good picture of your husband. He seems to think you are Wonder Woman - is the lycra chaffing yet???

"I'm trying to help but he wants you" - what does he mean he is trying to help....trying..... he is parenting, by himself, he should be ashamed that he can't manage them for a few days when you are off furthering your career for the families benefit and it sounds like he will be riling the kids up about it rather than saying, "Mummy sends her love and misses you but we can have some fun without her".

Personally I wouldn't say anything whilst you are away, it will add further stress which is playing right into his hands.

Wait for a calm child free moment after you have settled back in at home and know the fullness of what has happened in your absence.

Start by recognizing his struggles. You might say, “I understand that parenting can be really tough, especially when I’m not around.”

Express your feelings when you get the type of messages he sent you. Share how you feel without blaming. For example, “I feel concerned when I hear that you find it difficult and that you imply you hold me responsible as I am working away.”

Offer him support: Let him know you’re there to help. “Let’s work together to find ways to make parenting easier for both of us.” Maybe express concern that he doesn't seem to be able to cope when the kids get upset you are not there and maybe he needs to spend more 1 to 1 time with them. Perhaps tell him you occasionally have the same issue but as you are the main caregiver its not as stressful for them and so if he spent more 1 to 1 time with them, they may not be as upset when you are away. Explain how you tried to make it as easy as possible for him by having others take some of the responsibilities and so its not as if he had the full normal load.

Emphasize the importance of talking openly. “I want us to be able to talk about these challenges without feeling blamed or criticized.” explaining the wording of his texts weren't those you would expect from a supportive husband. He should have said, the kids are missing you but we are doing OK and are looking forward to seeing you home when what you actually got was "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know". That is neither loving or supporting - and at best, it is very thoughtless. Do not let him gaslight you.

If this fails, try marriage counselling. Good Luck.

Don't rage over this - you'll waste valuable time enjoying yourself. Simply ignore it (maybe you should 'lose' your charger etc) and avoid rising to the bait - because that's what it is. A great big dose of bait to wind you up and try and get you back as soon as possible and looking after everyone (including the large adult man child).

So just as a contrast for you. I’m also in the situation where I’m currently the higher earner now but 9 years ago when my kids were little my OH was the higher earner

When our kids were between 10 months and 3 and a half/2 and 5 I was away with work regularly for anything from 3 to 12 days. I was probably gone for up to 25% of the year. It was a lot.

While I was away he did all the drop offs and pick ups and eventually after school clubs as they got bigger. He cooked their tea, did all the bedtimes etc and went to work and basically had no time for anything else. He always said everything was grand if I called. He even said that one morning I spoke to him after eldest had spent the night throwing up all over her bed and he’d had to change it and give her a bath twice in middle of the night then take the day off with her. He told me about his challenging night juggling her being sick and the little one waking up when I got back. He said there was no point mentioning she’d been sick and how crappy a night he’d had while I was away as I’d just have stressed about it and not been able to do anything. It wasn’t like she was so ill I needed to come back.

It’s a real issue. Even in my generally good workplace I lost count of how many people asked who was looking after the kids when we were travelling. No on ever, ever asked the guys with kids of similar ages. It’s normalised to expect mums to be the carer and a lot of men feel like they are doing you a favour when they parent. Shut it down and make it clear (nicely by all means) that he needs to figure out how to manage alone when you have work travel. You will support him where possible but he also needs to support you. You are a team and he needs to get onboard with that regardless of how misogynist society’s general views may be.

He's sulking obviously he doesn't want you working away if he's not happy with your career or working tell him you can be a stay at home mum but we will have no money up to you if you wanna work alot longer otherwise don't make me feel guilty and when he denies it tell him you r not stupid. Tye silent thing js he's sulking he knows what he js doing

Oh god yes. This every time. It really irritates my OH too. He’s been pretty scathing both about and to some of his friends complaining how hard it is to manage if their wife or girlfriend is away for a weekend. It is harder on your own but it’s not harder for a dad than for a mum.

It’s designed to make you feel guilty so you don’t do anything as selfish as go away for work and to further your career and burden him with his own children again.

What a manipulative prick.

You’re obviously used to his selfish manipulative tactics, even if you don’t realise it, because you arranged someone to help him look after his own kids out of former guilt he’s projected onto you.

Just to give you a real life example of how this should look:

My DH is not the father of my children. They have a dad they see and stay overnight with weekly, but DH loves and supports us. I often go away for work, usually 4 days at a time, occasionally a full week, and once it was 2 weeks! DH looks after my children while I am away. They go to their dad's on their usual day, but he doesn't have them extra (I have obviously asked him to, but he won't. Incidentally - exH DOES send shitty messages about how the kids are behaving badly or moaning about how they just want me, etc...)

I don't tend to do extras to 'prepare' DH, beyond booking extra afterschool/breakfast clubs. DH lives with my children, takes an interest in their lives and so he knows their routines and clubs and PE days, what they like to eat, who their friends are, etc.

When I am away, he will just message me nice things! Problems get left til I come home. Problems he can deal with himself - he deals with himself. If a child particularly misses me, he will video call me so I can speak to them. He tells them nice things about me and about what I am up to. We always have a nice phone call chat in bed, usually only 2 minutes, but nice. I married DH when youngest was 6, and first started working away when they were 7 or 8, they are now 11. It isn't always smooth. My children can sometimes be slow to get ready, I think it can be a bit stressful to manage the mornings alone. But that would go for either one of us to be honest!

My career has really taken off since I married DH. I am now the main earner. I am really, really grateful to him, and usually buy his favourite chocolate as a thank you. Nothing grand or extravagant I know! But a little token to show him I appreciate his support.

So this is what it should look like. And this is from a man who isn't even my children's dad!! He just loves us. (Probably mainly me 😁, but I think he quite likes the kids too 😉)

This approach will fail - because as a minimum the DH is not mature enough for it, and possibly (likely) he is a full-blown emotional and financial abuser and user, who has absolutely no respect for OP as a human being.

Marriage counselling is not advised in a situation of abuse, because the abuser will never go into it in good faith; they can just twist the whole thing around and use the counselling as another means of abuse.

@Overwhelmed79 also “of course they miss me but it’s a normal part of growing up and into independence”. The more I read the more annoyed I am on your behalf. Ugh.

OP - if you are just waking up to the reality of your situation because of this thread, you will be in mild shock and will likely want to ignore it all, and forget it, and try to carry on as 'normal'.
That is understandable.

A word of warning though:
The longer this marriage continues, the worse the outcome will be.

The longer the children have to grow up observing this dysfunctional dynamic between their parents, the more likely they will be to end up in bad or abusive relationships themselves when they are adults, as they are not seeing a model of a good relationship.

Also, the longer the marriage, the more of your assets and income he will be able to claim, including the house that you pay for, plus a share of your pension. It may already too late to stop him taking 50% of everything you own and have earned.

He will threaten that he wants the children 50% of the time, to avoid having to pay maintenance to you. How likely is he to actually follow through on that, given that he can't manage them for a few days? Answer - zero chance.

Are you at the labour party conference? Ignore him and hope it goes well. Yanbu

Another man with a large but fragile ego! Rather than realise his shortcomings and trying to work on them, he blames you for making him feel bad about himself. Been there!
And god forbid you try and bring it up with them, their poor little sensitivities can’t handle it

Ha - perfect. The husband is being a guilt-tripping irresponsible dickhead

Then ask him to tell you where you were, what you were doing and why.

Ask him what he did to facilitate any of it

Tbh, when my husband is away on business I never ask about his work. It’s work. I don’t really ask about work normally - only if he looks stressed or has had an especially long day. I may ask what the hotel/place is like if it’s somewhere interesting (Miami or Singapore) but I do send him (very welcome) pictures of the dogs and the kids, who sometimes miss him.

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What an arsehole.

I agree with everyone else that he sounds diabolical. That said, I'd bet that the root of all this arseholishness is not entirely resentment at all the extra domestic work. It's more like a massive inferiority complex.

Some guys can't handle it that their wives are the breadwinners and the career-progressors. Your success makes him look bad, therefore it must be destroyed. According to his fucked-up emotional logic, taking you down a peg or two boosts him up.

And on top of that, the DCs love you more than they love him! How dare they! If he badmouths you to them (which he probably will), he's not only doing it to get at you. He also wants to break up the loving bond between you and the DCs, because it's something he hasn't got.

NRFT OP (p1 & your updates) but OMG he is being an arse and so unfair!

Make sure you keep developing your career and let him parent his own kids - you may need the income if you ever decide you’d rather leave and let him do 50/50

but she doesn't sound ready to leave him yet, so what should she do........fight fire with fire? Remember there are kids involved! Just leave without actually tackling it, I think the kids deserve more.

From the little she has said, you can't assume he is an abuser just yet, stupid, self centred yes, but not enough info to say its intentional abuse. He may just need enlightening or be terrible at communication.

You have told her to ignore my advice (fine, I am no expert) but not offered an alternative and that doesn't get her anywhere, she doesn't seem ready to walk away, so what do you recommend? At least my way she knows she has tackled it with him and had her say, he doesn't have to agree but he has a chance to chance if he wants to save the relationship.

Sorry - tried to change the quote as quoted the wrong person and it won't let me - this was in reply to @EuclidianGeometryFan

I reacted a different way that took the stuffing out of his whining.

'Yeah, I know, it's great that they pay me so well for this stuff, isn't it?'

'Can't knock the money, though'

'Essential part of the job, innit?'

'Until there's a job out there that pays as well without requiring me to go to these things, we're kind of stuck, really.'

I was also obviously using the time to stash away an emergency fund and goodwill/connections for the moment he stomped off and disappeared. When he finally did it, I had to find childcare at zero notice but with a backup of cold, hard cash to make it possible - but that way, I never had to rely upon him for working; I knew he was going to make a point of letting me down out of spite at some point, just not exactly when. Took the wind out of his sails when he found out that it didn't bother me at all because I'd already made my own arrangements.

He was very shocked the day he tried to bring DD back a week early with 14 minutes notice to find I really wasn't in the country, though. He'd known for three months by that point (as he was going on holiday and had demanded those dates as his 'entitlement' and I'd told him I'd be away, albeit I didn't buy the ticket until he'd picked her up in case he'd failed to show up altogether), but he didn't try that one again, either.

OP he is awful. The WORST. Honestly I would never ever accept this. You deserve an equal partner, friend, someone who supports you and gives you a boost, someone who congratulates you on your wins. Not a spiteful, jealous, pathetic snivelling man child.