To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

"H, when you text me about how desperate the kids are to see me when they're in your sole care, it makes me realise that I'm the main parent, as well as the main earner. Which then makes me wonder, what is the point of you in either my or my children's lives? We probably need to discuss this when I return."

That should either make him pick up his game or file for divorce, either way I think you'd be better off.

Brutal but 🙌

Great gag!
Oh, you're being serious. Sigh...
Men do this ALL THE TIME. Many of them turn into even bigger man babies once we have kids, because they can't bear not to be the centre of attention. And it's a well-known fact that man babies can't - or won't - parent.

If he says it's all in your head that is abusive.

Genius 😏

Love this one. Then have a lovely evening g on your own before heading straight into work.

He might already be slagging you off to the kids. He not exactly on his best behavior at the moment and it will only get worse over time, especially as your career will likely improve. I doubt his influence on the children will improve for the better, whether you stay married or get divorced.

However, you will be setting an example for your children about how you don't accept bad behavior from anyone, least of all a "partner".

Why do people do this? When I’m away, my DH messages me but only to say ‘we’re all fine here’. If something went wrong he wouldn’t tell me until I got back.

No you are not being unreasonable. He has to be able to look after his own children on his own. Tell him to man up and stop being so pathetic.

Except, of course, he’ll probably take that badly. Gah. What is the point?

He sounds awful. He's trying to make it so hard for you that you don't do this again. But you have to. If he going to be a slack dad and talk shit about you to your kids, I would arrange they stay with grandparents next time. No, it's not fair, no it's not equal parenting but I think he has proved his inadequacy and his toxic behaviour and I would not trust him. However, it should not stop you in enjoying and progressing your career.

My husband would have done it when the kids were small but fuck knows what I’d have come home to. The house would have been a tip but he’d have thought he’d “done the housework”. Fuck knows what the boys would have been dressed in but he’d be proud that it’d all gone smoothly

He's a manipulative unhappy arse. He's trying to ruin the event for you.
Your only response should be "I miss them too but I trust you to take care of them"

Remember @Overwhelmed79 that your dh is supposed to be your biggest supporter.
If he’s not then there’s something very wrong in your relationship.
I suspect it’s him.
Do you want to live your life with someone who can't be pleased for you, can’t be considerate towards you, can’t parent his dc without a fuss?
I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.
He may say he loves you but he doesn’t like you much and he certainly doesn’t cherish you.

And make sure you take a little gift back for your dcs, give them massive hugs and tell them how much you missed them and you'd much prefer to be with them but this is important for mummy's job.
I'm sure you'll probably do that anyway but if he's making the dcs feel insecure about you then he really is a shitty father as well as a shitty husband.

I don't understand why he needs a friend to come and help? There's a Dad at school that had to do the childcare for one week, whilst his wife was at a conference.

His wife left meals for him, everyone was making a fuss saying how wonderful he was, he was commenting how hard it was and getting sympathy... I just walked away. I, and lots of other Mums, juggle full time and the child care burden... It's madness, it's 2024!

'Death by a thousand cuts.'

His comments, disregard, contempt, and lack of care for you, will slice at your self esteem and self worth over time.

Respect, care, trust are worth far more than love, IMO.

Don't stay with the prick for the children, if this is the case.

IME, the younger they are, the easier it is for them to adapt to separated parents compared with adolescents or teens.

🤣🤣🤣 "Can he learn to shit money, perhaps?" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Made me spray my tea!
OP, I can't add to the good advice already given. Don't take the bait - this is where the advice: tell the offender how they're making you feel, is counterproductive. Breezy till you get home. Think out the points you want to make, then (away from the children) lift him out of it without losing your cool or becoming emotional. If he wants you to earn more, be at home more and coddle him more, something will have to be jettisoned, and currently it sounds like it should be him. 💐

@Overwhelmed79 remind him that when he was away you chatted with him about his stuff rather than guilt-trip him. On second thoughts, just leave him, don’t waste any more time. You and the kids will be better off. Your kids don’t need a selfish example to learn from.

Perfect

I'm so sorry OP. I don't know what to say that would be helpful, but I have experienced this exact situation when I have been away for work, down to the "having a jolly chatting shit with everyone" like I was on holiday. One memorable time I was talking at a big conference - it's the biggest thing I've done in my career and was a prestigious thing in my industry - and he kept sending me audio recordings of my then 3 year old crying for me. I relate to the contempt point.

I don't know if this is helpful but what changed for me was telling other people so that it wasn't some weird bullying he did to me alone, and enlisting help. He hated our parents acting like he couldn't look after his own children so buckled up his ideas and three years on this shit doesn't fly anymore.

With every update he just sounds worse and worse.

OP, this is no way to live. You can do better than this.

Your Husband is a dick. I would be furious with mine if he behaved this way.

I've have just got back from a work trip to Asia, I was away for 10 days. DH rearranged work stuff to accommodate and when he needed help HE organised it with family and friends. Which is what I do when he works away.

I got lots of pics of them having 'boys nights' or just having fun.

He didn't try to guilt trip me at all, which is how it should be. In fact, he encouraged me to stay an extra day for some down time as the place I was visiting is a hot, tourist destination and he suggested a beach day before travelling home.

My DH notices this when I work away. He gets offers of help and sympathetic looks.

Nobody has ever offered to help me when DH is away.

Another thing I've noticed is when I'm away people will always ask me who is looking after our child. DH has never been asked this, ever.

@Overwhelmed79

"I'm not afraid of him. Just telling him some of the things suggsted wouldn't be anything I felt comfortable saying."

But WHY. And do you understand why that's a really big issue in your marriage?

If you aren't afraid of him OP, then what ARE you afraid of?
Because something is stopping you delivering a few home truths. Do you generally walk on eggshells trying to keep him sweet?
In your shoes I'd be more afraid of having my DC turned against me and turning into mini versions of their dad. And I'd stop that happening by kicking the rubbish out. On current form you wouldn't have to worry about him having them for fifty fifty, he really doesn't want to parent. And even that worst case would give you half the week when they don't have him dropping poison in their ears.

Pretty much what I was about to say! Do not give in to this manipulative crap op. I just noticed you are the main earner too. I too was married to an inadequate man who resented me for his own short comings - it was fucking miserable.