Having I fucked up the sex talk?

[TheSmartestGiantInTown1]

Today my 6 year old asked me how a man's seed gets into a woman's tummy (I have told him previously that babies are made from an egg and seed). His 4 year sister was listening at the time. My Mum was a HCP so very frank and no nonsense about anything body related, so I was always of the opinion it was best to answer questions honestly but without lots of unnecessary detail. I therefore explained that a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina, the seed goes into a woman's womb, and meets the egg there. My daughter asked where the babies came out, I said the vagina. They looked mildly surprised and the conversation moved on.

I'd never discussed this with DH and he is horrified- I now see that we should have discussed our approach to this inevitable question long ago. He says I've stolen their innocence, and they'll never see the world the same way again. Honestly they didn't seem that bothered- there was a lot more questions when I had to explain a family member died. However now I feel horrible. Have I totally fucked this up? DH said I should have said that people have a special cuddle.

It depends who the audience is. 6 year old boy - it doesn't matter much either way. Girl - different ballgame all together

What do you mean it doesn't matter either way if the child is a boy? 🤨

Nope, I think you smashed it and your children know they can trust you to answer their questions honestly. We’ve taken the same approach and my now teenagers, two of whom are in relationships, are open and honest with us and talk about the big and little things with us.

Why am I not surprised your son had no questions for you...

Nothing wrong here. We went with straight up truth and biological facts, too.

I didn't want any kind of weird euphemisms or shame created around it. It's just a fact of life. We do it as humans, animals do it. There's nothing weird or dirty about it. Lying is just confusing for them and keeping it for "when they're older" just creates a weird taboo around it.

I want to keep the line of communication about these things open as they grow. It's important for them to know they're not going to be shamed or dismissed for asking questions about their own biology.

My ex husband used to refer to sex as 'are we having a cuddle tonight?'
Guaranteed to kill my libido stone dead. Hence the 'ex'.

As an aside, the immaculate conception doesn’t actually refer to a virgin conception. (The immaculate conception wasn't the conception of Jesus.)

Well, maybe. Hasn't done him any harm though

OP, I think you pitched it exactly right for their ages. You've left it open for their questions, now.

That's interesting. I didn't realize it's the belief that Mary was free of original sin. Funny, since I always assume she got pregnant from an extramarital affair.

Your primary schools may be different but ime teacher-led sex education starts in year 5 but child-led starts in year 3.....

I grew up on a farm, so I knew from a very young age how babies are made. I can confirm it never did me any harm. My kids were the same when told in an age appropriate way - totally unfazed and not really that interested.

We told our daughter when she asked at about the same age. She said "that must really tickle"

You did just fine. There is nothing inherently different to your child’s question than “why do we hiccough?’ or “why is the sky blue?” or “where does poo come from?” Children are curious.

You answered a straightforward sensible question with a straightforward sensible answer. Their new knowledge won’t suddenly sexualise them. They will file it away, and go back to playing as normal, just the same as if you had just discussed poo. Just like with poo (perhaps less than with poo, given how hilarious my daughter found talking about poo at that age), there might be some discussion in the playground. But at least that discussion will be based on fact, and not some fallacy based on an ill-founded attempt to give an alternative answer that shields children from the truth.

The ‘special cuddle’ answer is awful, not just because it might make the child worried that they could have babies from a hug, but because when they start to suspect that that is incorrect, it teaches them that sex is something taboo and shameful. It also teaches them that they might not be able to trust you with the big questions later on.

When I was 7 I asked my mum where babies come from and she said it’s when a man and woman love each other it happens. Well I loved Gary who was in 2nd year juniors, and I got very worried I was pregnant!

Nothing wrong with what you told them OP.

Literally that - minimal ill effects of telling a boy that babies are delivered by Amazon but getting the reproduction discussion wrong with a girl and not understating why she is asking could be catastrophic from a safeguarding point of view.

Do you have a DD?

Do you have a DS? Getting the reproduction discussion wrong with a boy doesn't have minimal ill effects.

The mistake your DH is making is in assuming that in telling your children the biological facts, they will view that information through an adults lense.

They will have no sense of the ‘adult’ nature of sex. All they have heard is a factual description that to a make a baby. ‘this goes there’. And that will be that!

I had a similar conversation with my children…they asked, I explained and then they moved onto something else.

When they are older and the hormones kick in, our conversation will turn to the other aspects of sex for enjoyment in a loving relationship… with a big focus on the need for consent and use of contraception!! For now, they asked, I answered and it’s not been mentioned again!!

The Body Book by Claire Rayner worked for us, DD (a scientist now, 20 years later) spotted it aged 5 in a bookshop. Covers everything about bodies in a sensible way that doesn't cause nightmares.

DH said I should have said that people have a special cuddle.

Oh God, I don’t think I could say that and still respect myself.

I do. Please do explain the ill effects on boys of getting the reproductive talk wrong

Told DD the same. She thought it was hilarious though and told daddy the really funny joke I’d told her when he got in from work 🙄

this thread reminds me of this clip from Addams Family Values

My parents read Mummy Laid an Egg to me. I was too busy being fascinated by all of the doodles showing ways mummies and daddies could fit together (in the air suspended by balloons, I think was one of them?!) to be traumatised by the truth.

You did exactly the right thing, Op.

Yeah, that’s what we did. We told our then-three-year-old that a mother has an egg cell and a father has a sperm cell and they put them together to make a baby. About a year later, she wanted to know how the egg and sperm cells got together, so we said the father puts his private parts into the mother’s private parts, and then the sperm cell comes out and goes to the egg cell.

I can imagine! At least he, like a whole generation of American kids, didn’t learn what it was from the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal. I was eleven and at first I thought oral sex was just talking about sex.

The word seed could help them to understand it more easily. Most kids would know that things can grow from seeds.