SAHMS ON MN

[UBIA]

This is supposedly a site for mums - all types of mums.

On such a website, why is there so much hate and vitriol against mums who choose to SAH for a while?

The usual excuse for the storm of reactions is about financial vulnerability. Ok, I get that. But what if they're not financially vulnerable? How would you know? Bring a SAHM might have made you financially vulnerable - but you can't extrapolate that onto everyone else.

Why do people give anecdotes about some friend or their mother who was bored / insane / husband had an affair etc? Why? This is like saying "My friend had a job but she got depressed." So what? Also, if men are going to cheat, that's what they'll do anyway. Anyone can cheat in any type of marriage.

Why do people assume SAHMs are there for housework purposes? That depends on where / how they live and if they have cleaners, just like anyone else.

Why di people tell SAHMs their marriages are not 'equal?' Equality is about mutual respect. It has nothing to do with what job you do or money.

Frequently, people will say things like," Well, after my divorce the fact I was working meant I wasn't screwed." Ok, this is good obviously, but also, that's just you. How do you know the financial circumstances of anyone else - working or not? And why do you assume people haven't factored this sort of thing in?

Dime SAHMs will be screwed after divorce, sure. But others will not be. It depends on so many factors. Just like it does for anyone who works - it's all relative and completely circumstantial.

It is very odd that in a site for mums, the only mums that seem acceptable are the ones who don't SAH! MN is not like real life at all in this respect, it's very extreme (as I read it) because I don't know anyone in real life who makes assumptions about SAHMs or who would even care about this for 3 seconds. AIBU to think MN should be more open-minded and just live and let live without all the crazy assumptions.

This sums up our position OP.

That's exactly what I said - some people might want to return to work but can't. The luxury of choice is not available to everyone.

Yes sorry I realised after I posted that I was responding to the person you’d quoted and I was just repeating what you said!

:)

I've done both. When I took four years out to stay at home with my eldest 2 I was criticised by people (in the offline world) for "just being a mum" and now I've been working full time and had a third I'm being criticised for planning to put her in a nursery when I go back part time. Now I'm being criticised for "caring about my career too much".

I've come to the conclusion that as women we will always be criticised for our choices no matter whether you're a SAHM, working full time or anything in between.

The only time I’ve felt negative towards SAHMs on here is when they say things like “I’m a SAHM. No judgment on those who have to work, but I’d rather look after my own kids than pay someone else to do it”. Trust me, those kind of posts appear frequently.

I’m a single parent with no one else helping, and so I have to work. It broke my heart when I left DS1 age 8 months. I remember looking at him asleep in his cot the night before I went back to work, and sobbing, knowing that his life was never going to be the same again. Seeing posts from smug SAHMs saying they couldn’t let someone else bring up their kids has always made me sad, even now that DS1 is 19.

And don’t get me started on the ones that refer to themselves as “full time mums”, as if those of us who work aren’t mums at all for 40 hours a week!

Yep goes both ways, and it's awful. We should all be lifting each other up in this hard life.
Women judging other women is just bizarre

I posted because I really do wonder about the phenomenon in MN where people seem to think in this binary way about SAHMs snd WOHMs. Its strange, it does not reflect real life at all. I do think this kind of 'SAHM / WOHM' thing only exists on MN and so I wonder why and if it might ever change. What is it about MN?

Because opinions are asked for on AIBU I imagine.

MN is not like real life at all in this respect, it's very extreme (as I read it) because I don't know anyone in real life who makes assumptions about SAHMs or who would even care about this for 3 seconds.

That’s good to know - as an American, this site has made me wonder if the UK has some sort of particular venom for stay-at-home mothers.

Being a SAHM is what I always wanted to do, and it’s beneficial for our particular family. My young daughters both have ADHD, and at the end of the school day they feel overwhelmed and just want to crash at home and spend time with me. I have ADHD as well, and I don’t think I’d do well handling a job as well as running the house and taking care of the kids. If, God forbid, something should happen to my husband, we’d get a big enough insurance payout that I wouldn’t have to get a job for about two years. I’m also a licensed attorney, so despite my lack of work experience, I think I’d be able to find a decent-paying job if I had to.

Like previous posters, I hate the term “full-time mum.” Like being a parent, especially of young children, could ever be a part-time job!

If you got a room full of women together IRL, from all different backgrounds, then asked them the same question you'd probably get the same answers as on MN.

IRL people aren't declaring information about their lives willy nilly. I also doubt you're walking up to people and asking their opinions on things like this. For all you know, the same opinions might be held IRL but no one says anything because they don't want to accidentally offend someone they know.

On the other hand, there have been plenty of comments stating comments do get made IRL. So take your pick.

Yes but you can give an opinion on a specific thread without making it about 'SAHMs' as if they're some kind of discrete group who all think the same way.

Why are you so bothered, anyway?

“full time mums”

Ugh.

I could ask you the same @GiddyRobin. I wonder why MN is unique with its SAHM / WOHM rhetoric. It's quite interesting to me. I posted about it and now I'm engaging with the thread I started. Is that ok?

And already plenty of sassy posts about how they couldn’t work as they love their kids too much. It works both ways!!

Yes, but all you did was create the usual debate that's been slung around in various threads before, especially recently. Thus showing the varied opinions.

I'm commenting because you invited my opinion.

It is an anonymous forum so people just say what’s on their mind, some people are probably as judgmental in real life too but just say it behind people’s backs.

You didn’t explicitly say it, but you strongly implied it. In the first and the second post.

You must realise that this is goady AF

At my age now (I'm 50), I've known probably hundreds of women who have been SAHMs for anything from a year to permanently. This is since I was 30, so about 20 years - uni friends, family friends, friends via the various schools through the years, local people and people you connect with for whatever reasons along the way. I can only think of maybe 1 that fits the stereotypes on here - ie husband going off with a 'younger model', wife is downtrodden and no financial security etc. This is alongside women who work full time or part-time or sporadically in all kinds of things and literally nobody asks or assumes anything. Nobody really talks about their job unless they are asked, or if they have a dilemma there. To be honest, most people could be working or not, it's often unclear because people have all kinds of projects going on and how can you tell if it's WFH or voluntary ir anything else. Everyone just gets on with it and can see that we all have different challenges.

They are not the majority though.

SAHM/D 1 perhaps worked stressfull job, had children found it hard gave up work with 2nd or 3rd child as finances allowed. All children young SHAM is constantly darting around and busy getting stuff done. IMO this SAHM is no different to those that work, they are not spending their days wondering round B&M and watching daytime TV.

SAHM/D 2 hasnt worked properly for 20 yrs, 3 kids may have initially been SAHM/D 1 but kids now 1 grown and working, 1 moved out, 1 GCSE age. Well off for Money spends time leasurly doing as she wishes. IMO they are very privavlaged to still in a position to do this and fair play to them if this is what they choose to do.

However when SAHM/D 2 trys to make out they have it as hard as SAHM/D 1 or as a working parent, I as a working parent, who largely does most of the work due to DH job and hours, that pisses me off. I work for financial gain and I enjoy it but it doesnt mean it isnt hard though a lot of the time.

Please shut up and put your curtain back

Oh wow. A misogynist. Lovely.

Unless they are asked.

Which is exactly what happens on AIBU.