SAHMS ON MN

[UBIA]

This is supposedly a site for mums - all types of mums.

On such a website, why is there so much hate and vitriol against mums who choose to SAH for a while?

The usual excuse for the storm of reactions is about financial vulnerability. Ok, I get that. But what if they're not financially vulnerable? How would you know? Bring a SAHM might have made you financially vulnerable - but you can't extrapolate that onto everyone else.

Why do people give anecdotes about some friend or their mother who was bored / insane / husband had an affair etc? Why? This is like saying "My friend had a job but she got depressed." So what? Also, if men are going to cheat, that's what they'll do anyway. Anyone can cheat in any type of marriage.

Why do people assume SAHMs are there for housework purposes? That depends on where / how they live and if they have cleaners, just like anyone else.

Why di people tell SAHMs their marriages are not 'equal?' Equality is about mutual respect. It has nothing to do with what job you do or money.

Frequently, people will say things like," Well, after my divorce the fact I was working meant I wasn't screwed." Ok, this is good obviously, but also, that's just you. How do you know the financial circumstances of anyone else - working or not? And why do you assume people haven't factored this sort of thing in?

Dime SAHMs will be screwed after divorce, sure. But others will not be. It depends on so many factors. Just like it does for anyone who works - it's all relative and completely circumstantial.

It is very odd that in a site for mums, the only mums that seem acceptable are the ones who don't SAH! MN is not like real life at all in this respect, it's very extreme (as I read it) because I don't know anyone in real life who makes assumptions about SAHMs or who would even care about this for 3 seconds. AIBU to think MN should be more open-minded and just live and let live without all the crazy assumptions.

I don't think being totally financially dependent on a partner is a good thing. It can often create an imbalance in a relationship. It's also not an environment that is good for girls to be brought up in. Daddy earns all the money and mummy does the housework and facilitates his important job. Not good IMHO.

I’d get shot for saying so but imo both professional and personal SAHM is the best thing for a child’s emotional development. The modern society that we have created isn’t conducive to the most beneficial start for a child.
Before I get flamed, I work and have a career, but that doesn’t mean it’s how things were ever supposed to be.

Fine if you choose to work- but fine if you want to stay at home.

While remembering that being in the position to choose is a very privileged place to be in.

This is such a twisted way of looking at it. Bit I'll play along.

If that bit of after-school drop off kids-free time is all the woman has had in years, then there's bigger problems in her life. DH working away or not, she obviously doesn't have a decent balance in her own personal life. It's not misogynistic to suggest working would be a good idea. It's perfectly sensible and reasonable.

If her high-flying DH is off away for work, and he's playing around away from home - what then? If he has a sudden illness, what then? If the company goes bust, what then? If he becomes abusive, what then? If he crashes his car and dies, what then?

She will then be left with several kids, no job, and no experience as she's been out of work for years. She won't have had the opportunity to save up a nest egg. So she's then dealing with finding a job, somewhere to live, all whilst under pressure and grieving her relationship.

Sorry, but getting a job is important. If a single mum were on benefits and unemployed, not working for the same reasons you gave, would you say the same thing?

Yes, it does.
And it works otherwise as well.
I have been called a disgusting gold digger
with a grubby inheritance, because my husband is three decades older and I'm not working, apart from house, garden and being his partial carer.
The hate is everywhere, not just against SAHPs.
Haters gonna hate 😀

My DM always says’ A woman’s place is in the wrong!’ Women are always criticised, women who work, women who rely on a man to ‘keep’ them, fat ,thin, blonde brunette! There will always be something for others to criticise. The whole working/sahm debate is an extreme version of this criticism! This site reflects well how society sees /treats women & especially mothers!
Personally, I think you do you & I’ll do me and neither of us is better, just different!

Is it assumed that PT workers claim UC?

I respect SAHM. I work PT but I think it’s probably jealousy or defensiveness. You do say in your OP that you “choose” to stay at home as if those that work have the same choices available to them. I was (am) desperate to be a SAHM but we are barely getting by as it is.

Depends on the child - for our family nursery was beneficial - they learnt English. We don’t speak it at home as we have two other languages.
Also without professional childcare, how do you continue with your career or should all mothers stay at home (my nightmare).

I wish we didn’t turn on each other :( just accept the choices each one makes.

Im a working parent, & it’s does upset me when I read I’ve farmed my daughters off or I’ve missed moments. We haven’t both parents have been present at special occasions.

But working parents are normal to me, i have a huge family both sides and the Mums/females all worked. Sadly often at the lower end so to me when I had my surprise first pregnancy I went back to work earned no money to pay for nursery for me it meant I had the opportunity to progress. I watched my Mum who had me very young , work evening weekends and trained so around the age of 10 she had a good role earning well.

My girls will always come first. We are parents first

Nobody is perfect. It isn’t your status as a WOHM or SAHM that automatically makes you a better parent, or better contributor to society or to your own family - it’s what you as a unique individual do and the effect you have on those around you. There is nothing inherently more virtuous in one situation or the other. To make sweeping judgements about the lives and contributions of other groups of people is simply to reveal your own prejudice. If you can’t see the value in whole groups and categories of people who are different from you, you’re just a bigot and not worth listening to. Life is more complicated than stereotypes.

It depends on the mother too.

It isn’t going to be the best start for a child if the mother is utterly miserable.

I dont think I've made any posts about SAHMs but if I did comment it absolutely would not be out of envy, I like working and would be bored if I didnt have a job. Maybe you are envious but don't assume everyone else is.

I’m a sahm on UC and get judged a lot especially by my own family. I’m unable to work due to a number of conditions I have (ASD,ADHD, ME and situational mutism). People think I’m lazy, I’m not at all. I don’t tell people the truth anymore I just lie and then I don’t get judged

Because too many women post on here that they have a "common law husband" or similar and have no idea that their position is precarious

I’m not saying they should, as our modern society doesn’t encourage it. My kids are all young adults. I stayed home when they were little but picked my career up again when they started high school. I think for child’s emotional development the best place is home with mum, but not necessarily the best for a modern woman. Our basic human needs don’t fit the world we’ve created…..

I prefer it as it is - my career wouldn’t have been there to come back to if I’d taken a couple of years out and DH’s definitely wouldn’t. DT’s are now in their mid 20’s with their own careers - wouldn’t have changed what we did

Its the accusations of envy that really grind my gears. Such a lazy way to belittle someone with a view you don't like. It's also quite illogical, because if SAH was the plum job and paid work the dud, its pretty reasonable to assume that a lot more men would be SAH rather than rushing out to their Big Job like a rat up a drain pipe every day leaving their wives to get on with it.

Yes I guess all we can do is draw on our own experience and no one's ever going to have exactly the same take on it.
I've never actually been a sahm so I don't really know what the day to day reality of it is like. I'm a teacher so personally find being at home with the kids in the holidays much easier than term time but maybe in a more flexible job, with family help, I would find work easier. Who knows!

Either way I stand by my original point that a lot of the snippy comments from either side often come from some kind of resentment/jealousy/unhappiness with their own situation.

@GiddyRobin - I think tih just don't understand. Or maybe you don't want to?

Why does your mind jump from 'working long hours' to 'playing away.' You know people may work long or irregular hours from home? You could have no job and be having endless affairs. These are separate issues.

Having a job for a few hours inbetween school drop-off / pick ups will be necessity for some and preferable for others for all kinds of reasons. But in other cases it will be absolutely pointless. Like in the example I gave. But basically, just let every family decide for themselves. As if some 'school hours' job is going to make any difference in the scheme of things after a divorce for the type of family with a SAHM for many years and lots of kids. These are not generally the type of families thst a few extra hundred a week makes any difference to and the women in those set-ups have inbuilt shared assets and security and know where they would stand in the case of divorce. That's precisely how they can be a SAHM because otherwise they wouldn't do it! People make their own decisions in specific circumstances. There is no 'cookie cutter' approach,

I'm on UC and sick benefits and feel judged too sometimes. It's like people can't admit sometimes people aren't able to work

I haven't seen that. I've seen people caution SAHMs that they are putting themselves at risk, especially if they are unmarried. I've also seen people having a very strong reaction to SAHMs implying that working Mums don't raise their own children, don't love their children as much or are harming their children by putting them into childcare. I've also seen people be rather curt with SAHMs who think it's OK to not work and then take taxpayer money to fund their life.

If you're a SAHP of any gender, and you are financially provided for by your partner, family or independent wealth, and you respect that you are not a superior parent to working parents due to your choice to be a SAHP, I don't think anyone bears you any animosity.

It’s really horrified about SAHMS on here. It made me feel horrendous tbh. Imagine having ppd, being a SAHM then reading mumsnet.

Also feminism was to give women a choice. It’s good some women can now choose to be SAHMs.

I would never judge anyone who is too unwell to work. Some people on here are ignorant shits who are very lucky.

People on your street aren't actively seeking opinions from others on their choices or lives.

By posting on Mumsnet many people are actively seeking opinions and advice.

I do, however, see lots of posts with people asking for advice on one topic, and others responding to tell them about their judgments or this person's life completely unrelated to the question.