To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

There but for the grace of God go I.

You know that thing about being 3 steps from homelessness due to an accident. This is similar. Some people lose everything. Don’t be too smug.

My parents were like this. Only had each other, no friends. Said that's what they wanted. Mum would often comment on how many evenings I might spend with my friends on cinema/theatre/walks/dinner/pub each month, or weekends away, without DH.

Then my mum got ill & passed away relatively quickly. My Dad is completely isolated from any social activity and has no friends. As my mum would have been if he had died first. This has caused his mental health to nose dive.

It does make me wonder how those couples who say they prefer their little bubble, happy with no friends, think what the future holds, when the inevitable happens.

I'll admit I get irritated by people who stubbornly refuse to engage with things like other parents at their child's school, then insist they have no one who can do a favour and drop their kid to school even once.

I make an effort with other school parents. I am the mum who says "sure no problem, i can take Molly for you", "does anyone want to share lifts to Freddie's party", "can anyone use an outgrown 7-8 school top". I'll take a photo of the spelling sheet for the dad who lost his. They don't all have to be my best friends for it to be a community I'm part of.

As a result, when DC2 had to have surgery, 3 people offered to have eldest after school. I hadn't even said i need help, they'd heard on the grapevine and offered out of the blue. If you told me tomorrow i would break my leg and not be able to get my kids to school, I've easily got 20 people I can ask who'd do it in a heartbeat.

Yes I don't know anyone else in that position apart from myself. Why are some people so keen to assure everyone this doesn't really happen?

Wonder why the OP started this thread ...

That'd us. Moved from home town 30 years ago. All parents dead. Dhhas two brothers in home town. I have a sister at the other end if the country. Have friends but none I could call in a pinch. In fact I have a situation next week when I really need support. Dh away with work, with car, situation inflexible. It's going to be traumatic. I have to go. But I so wish I had someone to lean on.

There was a similar thread once before called something like 'to think a lot of lonely people have brought in on themselves'. Not saying the OP started that one, but just saying similar discussions have taken place before. I don't know what prompts people to start them.

I'll admit I get irritated by people who stubbornly refuse to engage with things like other parents at their child's school, then insist they have no one who can do a favour and drop their kid to school even once.

Some of us literally can't do anyone favours, our kids are on part time schedules, or we have disabilities, or can't dish out their number, or be on social media, or have kids back due to living circumstances.

How wonderful for you that you can, but it's not an option for everyone.

Try and think beyond your own bubble.

I’m the same @Phen0menon. I always offer first, even if I don’t particularly feel like it at the time. I’m always the helpful one and as much as I like helping people, it isn’t really altruistic - it pays off when I have an emergency. I had a minor car accident and needed to wait for recovery, and I had the choice of about 8 people I could have asked to pick up my kids from school.

I am surprised too, but by a different thing. Allegedly happy families fight like cats over inheritance, detest their in-laws and ask on MN whether to increase the amount to charge their mum for utilities since the heating is on when they are at work, primarily for her benefit. And surprised by mums asking what is the appropriate amount to charge their uni student children for lodging with them. The humanity has gone to the dogs and happy to advertise it!

That is because you are a proper family of grown-ups, with grown-up correct priorities and responsibilities.

NRTFT

my example:

DH and I met while living overseas at the opposite side of the world to our families.

DH had broke up with ExW who didn’t take him finding someone new too well and caused issues with their mutual friends. DH is an introvert so only has a small group of friends.

I was in the middle of negotiating a transfer to another city when we met. We fell pregnant very quickly so had to decide where the relationship was going as I was being transferred regardless. DH moved with me so we were both now in a completely new city and knew no one. Initially I was very up for the move, I’d agreed to it when single and no ties to the city, I’d moved to the other side of the world alone making lots of friends so was happy to do it again as I was a very social person.

However, I wasn’t particularly social in my new role, bad pregnancy plus I was seen as a ‘spy” from HQ and people were wary of me. All fine I was there to do a job and knew I wouldn’t be loved ( my company took over theirs). if I hadn’t have been pregnant I have been out making friends and joining in every social event.

DH got a temp contract which he actually loved and made lots of friends, considering he didn’t like socialising, he did a lot.

All went well for a couple of years but then I was made redundant while pregnant with our 2nd child, so DH had to get a more secure and better paid role as I was the high earner at the time.

Fast forward a year, DHs knew job was ok, he missed his old friends, I missed mine from previous city, we had 2 young children and decided to move but where, back to previous city where we’d struggle to ever own and would be living month to month or back to the uk where we thought we’d have family support? We choose uk.

After much moving around finding work, area to live that wasn’t too far from either family, are rose tinted glasses fell off and we remembered the reasons we both left. I was the scape goat child of a narcissistic mother and DH was the forgotten child, no nastiness like my family he’s just more an afterthought in his family.

Even though all our siblings had loads for family support with their children this wasn’t afforded to us. I’d didn’t take us long to realise this and not much longer for my toxic family to push me to go completely NC and regret ever allowing them in my DCs lives.

We finally settled, found a nice house and school, but no where near family. We moved in 2 weeks before our oldest started reception. We’ve been here 8 years now and yes we do have friends and sometimes we can call upon them for help, but it’s taken years to build those friendships by which point the younger harder years have slowly passed, the dcs are more independent so it’s easier to leave them with others, as well as for our friends to want to help out.

We’ve also seemed to have found a group of friends who have been in similar situations to us. Many moved here around the same time to a new build estate and many have no family support so we’ve connected that way, but only really in the last 2 years. As a whole the group all have the same thing in common, we learnt to manage things on our own and never rely on others for help.

And disappear after one post.

It's like they want posters to pile on and make others feel shit about themselves.

I have a fair number of friends, and in contact with family, but not any who I'm so close to they would worry about my welfare if they don't hear from me in a week. It's a bit worrying really.

That was certainly our situation when our children were small. By the time my youngest was six months old both of my parents were gone and I have no other close family.. DH's family lived 500 miles away. Until my children got to Playgroup age and we started to get to know the other young families in our area we had no access to any kind of babysitting, support or informal advice. We managed but if Mumsnet had been around then It would have been an invaluable source of support. (Except for those posters who only seem to appear to pull holesi n everything)

My family are involved but 4 hours away so we can rely on them for planned emergencies like DH and I have a work conflict and won’t be able to do pick up. I’ve had to put my dad on stand-by once but sorted everything before it came to it. They’re no help with a day to day emergency so you get used to sorting it out. DH’s family are also 4 hours away and not really going to help with a planned childcare emergency.

In terms of needing to leave DH, my family would welcome me without question but they don’t live nearby so I can’t get DC to nursery. Which means I can’t work. So only really a solution for a couple of days.

In terms of knowing a friend nearby, there is someone in close to a few minutes away. I wouldn’t reach out to them to have DC because they are also juggling work and childcare. If we were stuck in the house and we needed calpol but had none, I might text and see if they’d drop some off for me. They are likely moving soon anyway and won’t be close enough to ask for that kind of help. My other local friends are working, still probably 30 minutes drive away and don’t have kids so they don’t have a car seat. They can’t pick DC up. We’re working so I see some parents at pick up and drop off but we don’t live within walking distance of each other.

In terms of needing financial support, both our families would help us but we’d only ask if it was a real emergency and not something of our own doing such as our accounts being hacked and drained as opposed to getting ourselves into debt. However, we have good relationships with our families and they have the means that they can lend us some money whilst we sort ourselves out, not everyone has that.

It’s really not that hard to fathom why people don’t have a village.

I don't know what to tell you. DD was invited to 2 parties but the other parents were very standoffish. She has one friend and I do chat to the mum but wouldn't feel comfortable calling on her in an emergency as she lives 20mins in the opposite direction, has another child and also works. One friend from nursery and the mum is lovely but always busy. With nursery we were there at 8am and picked up at 6pm whereas most were 9-4, no parties. I'm told DD is popular but she can't tell me who she plays with. She's got suspected SEN too and prefers to play alone - she gets overwhelmed easily and just retreats into herself for long periods of time. I have a suspicion that between this and me not being visible enough, it's made it a lot harder to build friendships.

This. Im the same. Someones had a new baby? I'll offer to drop the older one at school the days im able to (due to work i cant every day - but i offer what i can!), always happy to lend stuff for that fancy dress day that's come out the blue, or pick up someones child because their train is late and its my morning off! These kids have been at school together for like 4 years, been to lots of parties together where parents have chatted, we might not be best mates but we all know each other well enough to know we arent nut jobs who can't be asked for a favour 🤔

YABU and rather judgemental. I make friends easily, but DH doesn't. He has one sister, and one cousin he keeps in touch with regularly, but both live hundreds of miles away.

All of our parents are dead, and I don't live within 100 miles of any of my family either. We do have friends we can call on, but I totally get that a lot of people don't.

I started a new voluntary job this morning. They asked for my emergency contact. I don't have one.

In the end, I wrote my son's name down.

Let's hope there isn't an emergency!!

I don’t think this has to revolve around kids or primary schools though really

Unless I suppose you work from home and never go into an office, I find it hard to see how you can’t make any human connection. Or how you somehow shed the friends you must’ve had when you met your partner to end up totally by yourself.
And sadly they’re the ones who when a divorce happens are really left high and dry which is sad.

I understand that it’s easier for some people to make friends, but also you have to work hard at maintaining friendships and I wonder if some people just can’t be bothered. My husband is terrible at it but it’s my specialist topic.😀

My DH and I were away from family for years, the kids came along and we didn't go out much just work related. My friends moved away. His mates were always miles away cos they were back home. My uni mates were scattered.

When he died I felt pretty much alone. I had a handful of friends, but not the number I was used to.

9 years on, I have met a great group of people I could easily be good friends with where I live - met them through groups in last few weeks - and my old school mates are back on the scene back home, so I have a good social life.

Strangely my family are now closer to me too. I feel pretty lucky, I know there are people so shy they hardly speak to anyone and disabled and older folk who don't see people from one day to the next :(

I have no one.

I have moved countries twice, cities a few more.

I have had an awful childhood with an absent parent and another abusive one, whom I have since cut ties with (and who has managed to turn my birth family - those still alive, at least - against me). I have been in a few abusive relationships due to my childhood trauma, which have had friends distance themselves from me over time. I had a child at a young age, so have lost all of my childhood and young adult friends due to being at different life stages.

Nowadays, I work incredibly long hours (12+ daily) to support myself and my children, so have no time and no energy to socialise once the weekend finally arrives. I have little money to do anything that takes us out of our bubble (though I try).

I have tried again and again to make lasting friendships once I overcame all my toxic relationships with people around me, but at the age of 35+ found that many people were already saturated in their lives and desire to form friendships. I have acquaintances, but not a single person to help me out in a tight spot.

I have no one outside of work who'd notice if I died tomorrow.

You can blame my parents; in their own way, both were responsible for the way the rest of my life carried on. While I am now reasonably successful in my work, I do not have real friends or a family to speak of. It's the shit hand I've been dealt, that won't improve until I am no longer fully responsible for my children and may have a bit more time to seek out the few willing people who are out there who have space for a true friend. The family members who gave a shit about me (my grandparents) died a long time ago.

Does that help your view a bit?

Oh @Dibbydoos that’s a sad story, but I’m glad you came out of it the other end.

Do you think you were just in a better place to start making friends, or you worked harder at it, or you just had to? What made the difference

I'll admit I get irritated by people who stubbornly refuse to engage with things like other parents at their child's school, then insist they have no one who can do a favour and drop their kid to school even once.

The 4 years of mainstream school were me trying to catch my son as he ran down the path from school (he wouldn't use the school toilet and had no speech so would have no idea I might have wanted to linger).

After that he had 10 years going to school by taxi, up to 30 miles away, so I didn't get to meet any parents.