To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

Some mums are not as forward in the school playground. Just because you have the confidence to insert yourself doesn’t mean everyone else will.
My child is in secondary school now but I remember how some mums never spoke to anyone and stood on the outskirts of the school or came last minute.

We’re in this situation. We live hours away from family. I have school mum ‘friends’ but they’re not in situations where they can help, for various reasons.

@Michiru i’m sad to hear about that. I hope that you can enjoy empty nest as much as I do. Nobody to rush home to and you can just slope the cinema at the drop of hat.

@BabyR yes and some of those will be because they made enough friends with their first child and by the time you get to your third or fourth you just can’t be bothered

Agree with this. I'd help out someone in DS' class if I could

I agree. Ive never worked anywhere where there wasn't a bit of friendly chitchat went on while people made a cuppa or whatever. No they might not become friends in the full sense of it but surely they become people you are 'friendly' with. I've never understood people who say things like 'i dont make friends at work, i keep work and personal separate' and then are very cold with everyone.... If you work full time you are spending 35-40 hours a week with people why would you not want to be on friendly terms!
In our office people bring in treats to share, sometimes people will bring in surplus produce if they've had a great year at the allotment, people will recommend tv shows and books to one another.... Surely this is at least a basic level of friendliness anyone in a regular job can be part of?

I'm not refusing. I would love to but have no opportunity to - if you are not invited to parties, can't make events due to work, have to use wraparound care and are literally dashing from there to work and back there is no chance to know who is who. I can't offer to pick up whoever or drop off as they don't go to wraparound. We also don't live on the same estate so don't bump into people at our local park either. I wish it wasn't that way but right now it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't have a lot friends and I definitely find it hard to make new ones, it takes a long time for me to move people from "someone I know" to "friend".

I have lots of people I could ask for a favour though, simply by virtue of the fact I do lots of favours.

Unless I suppose you work from home and never go into an office, I find it hard to see how you can’t make any human connection. Or how you somehow shed the friends you must’ve had when you met your partner to end up totally by yourself.

DH goes into the office but the office is an hour away. His colleagues live in completely different places all commuting into that city. His colleagues have older teens or are in their twenties so again, nobody has a car seat and wouldn’t be able to pick DC up. Before we get into going 90 minutes out of their way because they live nowhere near us. I work hybrid but my office is further away. Again, I’m the only one with a child needing a car seat. And it’s a huge undertaking for a colleague to help me out with childcare.

The friends I had prior to DH don’t live in our town. They are in my hometown or scattered across the country because I met them at uni. My closest university friend is about 1.5 hours away but working compressed hours and juggling two kids. She has a car seat but can’t get to nursery quick enough if we’re both at work and what is she meant to do with her own kids? All my local friends don’t have kids so no car seat bar one mum friend who as I said is moving soon.

Human connection does not automatically mean you have support. Especially support that can help in a childcare emergency,

@WhereIsMyLight what’s the advantage of living in the town that you do if it’s not near your friends or your husband’s work? Genuine question not trying to be a twat.

(And the situation does not necessarily have to be about children and car seats! Other emergencies exist! )

I’m not naturally chatty, I don’t like cliques and I’m generally a bit socially awkward, happiest with a good book. But when my kids were little I simply made myself chat to other mums on the playground. I watched who my dc liked and I cultivated those mums ( maybe sounds a bit creepy) but we lived over 140 miles from family and I knew I’d need back up. I collected their kids and they collected mine and we helped each other out with dental appointments, sickness and the like. We’ve moved again and some of those women I’m no longer in touch with - really our kids were all we had in common - and that’s ok. Those loose friendships served their purpose and when I was sick or had an emergency I had banked favours to call in. I really don’t understand people who don’t do that. When family is far or nc you need to create your own social network, you never know when you’ll need it.

Do you work 7 days a week? Is there never a saturday you could offer to host a playdate? Sometimes you have to do things you dont want to do, i work pretty much full time (i can flex to pick up one day a week) and yes on a weekend i would quite like to chill with my own small family but every now and again I invite the kids friends over, for their sake.

I find it all very hard. I had an extremely emotionally abusive childhood so am not really on contact with family. I have enormous self esteem and trust issues as a result of my childhood that make it really difficult to put myself out there. I'd rather not have these problems but being abused throughout your childhood leaves lasting effects. I try not to judge others because you never know what path they have walked and how hard they have had to fight just to put one foot in the front of the other.

It’s really not that hard to fathom why people don’t have a village.

This

I think also that friendships come and go. I’m in mid 50s now and I’ve still got a friend from when I was 10 , university and so on
I haven’t been friends with them all the time and you fall in and out with these friendships as well.

They live all over the world but still have been useful and kind to me when I’ve needed it.

Genuinely how can I host a playdate when I don't know the parents to contact them?! I ask DD who she plays with and she just shrugs. Not much I can do and the school don't want to get involved in anything outside of the class.

I don’t do the “normal” pick up and drops off as my kids have severe disabilities and attend a school miles away and are bused in by local authority. Kids with complex ASD and parties and play dates don’t really go together I’m afraid so you become very isolated.

Can't edit my previous reply but DD has one friend who I have invited but it's never been convenient for the other parent with their plans.

Honestly in that scenario I'd book a couple of afternoons of annual leave specifically to go and be in the playground and get chatting to people. If you are working loads then with that comes some annual leave.
I find it hard to believe there hasnt been one single party your child has been to where you could have said hi to a couple of people, no class whatsapp group at all, you've never been sat waiting at an evening parents evening and struck up a conversation with another parent waiting.
You literally havent managed to speak to one parent who could maybe then introduce you (even via a whatsapp group!) to a couple more?
Im just intrigued as ive been hanging round the local primary school a good few years now and while there's some mums i see very infrequently as they work fulltime ive still met them a handful of times!
Can you take a morning/afternoon of annual leave to go watch sports day and get chatting?

It surprises me especially when it is coming from parents of young children, who can’t ask anyone to look after their DC for a few hours.
You meet so many people at school, toddler groups, playgrounds, etc etc Even if you are not friends with them, you build a network with very few efforts. Even just school, in all the class whats app I have been a part of you could have asked for help - I remember people asking for emergency drop off or pick up and several people volunteering.

I'm more surprised by your narrow way of thinking more so than anything else.

Can you really not grasp that there are multiple reason for this:

1. Death
2. Estrangement
3. Abusive relationships which became isolating
4. Shyness
5. Introverted
6. Let down by others
7. Increased WFH
8. Raising children alone or with special needs (poverty of time/greater priorities)
9. Working all hours due to get by
10. Trust and/or confidence issues due to some of the above.

I'm sure I've missed some.

I'm lucky I have family and friends but I don't take it for granted.

Consider yourself fortunate but perhaps you could be more empathic to others who are not in the same position.

Same boat here.

For anyone who doesn’t know, some symptoms of CPTSD are:

Relationship difficulties.
Avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult. Difficulty trusting other people.
People with CPTSD may feel like they are different from others and that others cannot relate to them.

Please educate yourself before passing judgement, you have no idea what others are dealing with.

Me and DH moved out of our home down as did our friends and are now scattered around the UK as are my uni friends. I work in London 50 miles from home.

I have no friends where I live at all. DH did the school runs as a SAHD so did not make friendships with the other mums in a way I might have.

Had some family locally but they were not hands on and in any case still worked so had limited time.

DH didn't want to impose on his family as they were already doing a lot for his siblings.

To add to this - the only parents I've really struggled to connect with are ones who have made it very very clear they have NO interest in being friendly and who never engage with any efforts made their way. Those parents who never invite anyone back for a playdate, don't invite anyone to celebrate their childs birthday (even for a bit of cake after school at home for eg), often don't even RSVP when given party invitations and ignore everyone and stand at the far side of the playground the once in a blue moon they pick up.
If you are giving off 'fuck off' vibes... People will fuck off 👌