To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

That's us. We're close to our families but they don't live nearby and have their own shit going on.

We both have good friends at work but they don't live locally as we're all in different commuter towns.

We have a few local friends we've made through the DC but they obviously have their hands full with their own DC so we'd only ask for a favour if we really needed it.

We have flexible jobs and expensive childcare. We're all good if tired.

Yes, I'm one of those people.

The question wasn't about people who choose not to socialise a lot. It was about people who have nobody to rely on, I can see the two are connected but there is quite a distinction.

I can prefer solitude but still know people through work, childrens school, neighbours, family etc who I could call on in an emergency.

Well, my family are all dead, bar a sibling who lives the other side of the country.
Most of my long term friends are geographically distant.
My close friends round our way are either: solo parents with one of more ND DC,like me and/or work hours that mean that can't help out.
There are some lovely school Mums, who would help if they could, but haven't had to ask in recent times; last year, on the 2 occasions, I did, no-could.
It's a simple reality for a lot of families.

I am not the type to ask for help. I have always worked for myself since ds was born which has no doubt helped no end.

When I have needed help I always get the same response from family ‘You always manage on your own.’ Because I have no choice. Some people would rather see you struggle.

I thought I had people to rely on when I was a young mother but I found out the hard way that I didn't. So when I read on here that someone has nobody to help them I take that as genuine and assume they had the sense to realise whereas I was naive

I think it depends on what you mean by ‘rely on’. Dh and I don’t really have much family support. Both our dads died when we were teenagers. I am NC with my mum, only child, no extended family still living, but I don’t live in my birth country anyway.

Dh has BIL and partner but they live 6 hours away and if we ever needed help with anything it would involve hosting them too as they can’t afford to visit us otherwise.

MIL can be a help in limited ways, like she could come to ours and do a school run or possibly have dc overnight at ours, but she isn’t allowed to take dc to her house for safeguarding reasons (involving her partner). It’s only been the past maybe 2 years that they’ve been old enough to have any unsupervised contact with her, so she really can only be so much ‘help’.

We absolutely do have local friends who could collect dc from school, help with lift shares to activities, maybe have them in the evening or overnight in an emergency, but they all work and I wouldn’t expect anyone to take off work to look after my dc unless it was a true emergency. It’s definitely not the same as Dh and I growing up. We had properly engaged grandparents who took on a lot of the caregiving for us, did all sick days, all school holidays, had us for sleepovers, etc. My dc have never had a sleepover with a grandparent or spent a sick day with them.

It makes me laugh when people assume we all have helpful neighbours. Mine have always been very bogged down with their own lives and all have family to count on so I can honestly say the only 'help' is the occasional parcel delivery...

I’m surprised in the opposite way, that anyone has family/old friends nearby. We now have friends made over the years nearby but when kids were young moved around a lot with my work with different postings, none anywhere near family/childhood friends. I haven’t lived anywhere near home (usually several hours drive minimum or flight) since I was at uni. No one I know through work lives near family/childhood friends for support. To me it’s really weird to think people go to uni, then move back home and take any job near family/friends, it’s like an alternate universe to the one I have lived in for several decades.

The posts here whining people’s families don’t help out amaze me given I didn’t have experience of, or know of anyone who lived near family or have an established friendship group where they live while kids were young. Everyone I know made new friends from school parents or workplace colleagues over a few years and just pulled up the big person pants and coped by themselves when kids were young.

I think it depends on circumstances - we live a few hours away from our respective families. I do have friends here that I meet up with but with regards ‘helping out’, they have their own commitments - working, their own kids, maybe elderly parents to keep an eye on, etc. When my children were in primary, I did have ‘mum’ friends I could call on for emergencies, or we’d help one another out with school collections the odd time, etc. Family obviously would race to us if there was a real emergency but I would never have asked for day to day ‘emergencies’. I have other friends who live distances away that I’ve met during various stages of life that I keep in contact with.

Sometimes it can be hard to build up connections if you move to a more rural area where people tend to have been born and stayed in the area - often they have no interest in making friends with non-locals as they have their own network.

It's sad OP

That's pretty much why I'm on here.

NC with family, moved to a refuge in a new area some years ago, struggle with making friends due to ADHD/trust issues/being a single parent and unable to go out. Dd now has a disability that pretty much ties me to the house as well.

I come on here for advice because I have no-one irl really.

It's not that much of an unusual situation.

Yes this is me. Now where I live is such an insular place as 95 per cent come from here. This is why I enjoy my online friendships.

People aren’t neighbours like they were 20+ years ago.
I have no idea who any of my neighbours are, I’ve only met next door once when I took in a parcel. We’re a new estate and everyone keeps themselves very quiet and private.

Well, I've been nc with my mother for 10 years, which meant I lost contact with everyone else who I knew when I was growing up.

I went NC with my father 2 years ago because he let heroin addicts into my house when I was away, and still couldn't understand why I didn't want to pretty much be his 24/7 carer.

My inlaws..or soon to be ex inlaws I should describe them as, one has cancer and one has alzheimers, they need help themselves.

I have a few friends, none of which I could ask for a favour. Not really.
One is in as much of a stressed out situation as me, another is pretty much the same, but would do childcare for me if I paid her. And another I think I would probably never hear from again if I asked for anything.

That means I have no one to turn to in a time of need.. if I was someone else, I'd struggle to see how that happens too.

I have friends and family - none of which live close enough to me if I needed babysitting or that kind of help. So I would be saying I didn't have anyone either if I was making those kind of posts.

Some of us have moved. Takes a while to make friends

And never answer the front door !

I could have written this almost word for word.

I have two friends and rarely see them because life gets in the way

we do text and talk on the phone

I do like my own company though

My life is heading down a potentially very lonely track. Only child, no children of my own. Thankfully I do have a loving partner and one very good friend, but I dread anything happening to them and being totally alone. I imagine I will die alone too. Very sad. Sometimes wish I had never been born.

Yabu. There are loads of people who have moved for work/partners work/have family abroad or accross the country only. Even in London. If you make a life in one part and move house to another, you might as well live in another country when it comes to emergencies! I couldn't imagine my friends in Kilburn be immediately available for my emergency in Lewisham! It takes some time to build up that support network, and emergencies don't wait until you've sorted yourself out.

Do you want more people and connection in your life? Is there a reason you can't pursue that?

This isn't meant to be critical or make you feel bad. You sound like you wish things were different so I'm curious what's holding you back.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to understand we don’t all experience life in the same way. Both sets of parents have died. No other relatives within a 100 miles. Moved from where I grew up a few years ago, have work friends but none who live near me. Yes if the house burned down I could call for help and friends would make the three hour round trip to help me, but no I don’t feel I can ask them to come water my plants while I’m away or pick up kids when I’m stuck in traffic. We aren’t all that lucky and I find this thread a bit snide. We aren’t all weirdos who have failed at life just because we aren’t as lucky as those with living family and close friends based locally.

My son is on a reduced time table so starts late and finishes early meaning I haven't met a single parent in his class.
If parents work full time so use breakfast and after school club then I imagine they wouldn't know other parents either..
We have family but either they live too far away or have health or childcare issues so no practical help but certainly people who would notice if we weren't around.